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Rand Paul Outraged That Low-Flow Toilets Can't Handle His Monster Dumps

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Remember Ron Reagan, pooh-poohing (see what we did there?) George H.W. Bush? "My dad shits bigger than him," he announced, which has led to our wondering for over 20 (30?) years if he meant his dad's poos were bigger than an entire man, which sounds painful, or if his poos were just bigger than George H.W. Bush's poos, which does not sound like that much of an accomplishment. Of course you remember this, you are very old.


Well, Rand Paul would like you to know that he also makes giant piles of excrement, because he of manliness we guess, and then he goes on like a one million hour "rant" (if you can rant while also putting people to sleep) about why should there be choice in abortion if Rand Paul does not have choice in the matter of energy-saving toilets? ALSO TOO LIGHT BULBS ALSO TOO! ENERGY SAVING LIGHTBULBS ARE TYRANNY!

Rand Paul makes an excellent point, as always, of course: Why does the gummint remove my choice to live in a house with exposed wiring? If I choose to take that risk to save money, I should be able to! And why does it remove my choice to eat e. Coli and Carl's Jr.'s choice to serve it to me? And why does it remove BP's choice to dump the entire contents of the earth's innards into the Gulf of Mexico? And why does it remove black people's choice to not get served by white restaurateurs? THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACT IS GENOCIDE!

Freedom to flush sounds like an excellent platform for Rand Paul's coming presidential bid. Flush, flush away!

[SaysUncle]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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It was bound to happen. We're now watching Republican congressmen react to Donald Trump sitting in the Oval Office and saying "RUSSIA IF YOU'RE LISTENING" during an interview with George Stephanopoulos, literally inviting hostile foreign powers to attack the 2020 election for him like Russia did in 2016. And if you thought there wouldn't be at least one of them to say the quiet part loud and state for the record that crime is good if it helps Republicans win, then you haven't been paying attention to the Republican party in quite a while.

Enter GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah, who sits on the House Intelligence Committee, AKA the committee whose members really should know better, even the Republicans, but unfortunately they don't because A) they're idiots and B) they've been sucking at Devin Nunes's dairy cows' teats (ALLEGEDLY) for too long:

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