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Rand Paul Outraged That Low-Flow Toilets Can't Handle His Monster Dumps

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Remember Ron Reagan, pooh-poohing (see what we did there?) George H.W. Bush? "My dad shits bigger than him," he announced, which has led to our wondering for over 20 (30?) years if he meant his dad's poos were bigger than an entire man, which sounds painful, or if his poos were just bigger than George H.W. Bush's poos, which does not sound like that much of an accomplishment. Of course you remember this, you are very old.


Well, Rand Paul would like you to know that he also makes giant piles of excrement, because he of manliness we guess, and then he goes on like a one million hour "rant" (if you can rant while also putting people to sleep) about why should there be choice in abortion if Rand Paul does not have choice in the matter of energy-saving toilets? ALSO TOO LIGHT BULBS ALSO TOO! ENERGY SAVING LIGHTBULBS ARE TYRANNY!

Rand Paul makes an excellent point, as always, of course: Why does the gummint remove my choice to live in a house with exposed wiring? If I choose to take that risk to save money, I should be able to! And why does it remove my choice to eat e. Coli and Carl's Jr.'s choice to serve it to me? And why does it remove BP's choice to dump the entire contents of the earth's innards into the Gulf of Mexico? And why does it remove black people's choice to not get served by white restaurateurs? THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACT IS GENOCIDE!

Freedom to flush sounds like an excellent platform for Rand Paul's coming presidential bid. Flush, flush away!

[SaysUncle]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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