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Making a sadder story just a little bit sadder still, today the cops have revealed D.C. Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey's suicide note. Instead of blowing the lid of Dick Cheney's particular perversions or David Vitter's favorite style of Depends (logo of Elmo in wheelchair, masturbating), the two-page note is a heartbreakingly dull list of trivialities in grade-school girlish handwriting.


Palfrey has one page just for the police or medics: "DO NOT REVIVE (DNR)," it says, a command often seen on the refrigerators of elderly or terminally ill people who don't want their lives artificially dragged out. And because her life ended in Florida, there was a special message for Florida's Republican legislators and their beloved feeding tubes, in case the hanging wasn't completely successful: "DO NOT FEED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE."

(Read the depressing handwritten notes here, in PDF format.)

The other page is a note to her mother, including minutia about settling debts from a Bank of America account and Palfrey's expectation that she would emerge from prison six or eight years from now "a broken, penniless and very much alone woman." Palfrey assumed her mom would be dead by then.

Hey but at least David Vitter is still in the Senate, and even if he's eventually voted out of office, he'll have wonderful Senate health and retirement benefits for the rest of his miserable (but comfortable) life.

Revealed: D.C. Madam Suicide Note: 'I Cannot Live the Next 6-8 Years Behind Bars' [ABC News]

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Let's take a break from the awful terrible news for a moment and check in with Donald Trump Jr. and his unfortunate face. As you may remember, Junior and his wife Vanessa are getting divorced, probably because Vanessa Trump is tired of waking up from nightmares about being married to a guy with that face and immediately seeing him sleeping next to her in bed with that face just leaving imprints on their nice luxury pillows. And the divorce has apparently been getting DIRTY, because "somebody" has been leaking stories to the New York Post about how Vanessa Trump used to write love letters to her MS-13 boyfriend in jail and Vanessa Trump used to date 9/11 and Vanessa Trump doesn't need any Trump money because she is swimming in Marinara Buck$, and so on and so forth. Who is whispering these Vanessa Trump Secrets in the New York Post's ear? Definitely not Junior!

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House Republicans, apparently trying to remind America that they're capable of bad decisions on so many more issues than just immigration, have offered a bold new plan to balance the federal budget in just nine years, eschewing the usual 10-year timeline more typical of such rightwing wet dreams to prove they're serious this time. And what an exciting name the thing has: It's called "A Brighter American Future," and it offers such fresh new Republican ideas as massive cuts to Medicare, also privatizing Medicare, chopping Medicaid into little bits, and then stomping on the bits -- all assuming that they've, once again, repealed Obamacare.

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