Relax, America: President LoudStupid's Tweets Will See Us Through This Crisis
Y'all, this week is going to be BAD. Oil markets crashed this weekend because of a new price war between the Saudis and the Russians, and that on top of everything that was already happening means the stock market is tanking Monday morning even more than it was already tanking. No, really, y'all. The Dow opened down 1,800 points and the drop in the S&P 500 in the first five minutes of trading was seven percent, which triggered an automatic and mandatory 15-minute trading shutdown. Know what all those stock market terms mean? Don't worry about it if not, because MSNBC's Stephanie Ruhle is probably about seven seconds from just saying "OMG WE R SO FUCKED," and she is an expert.
Coronavirus numbers are meanwhile going up, up, and away, all over America, and all around the world. Italy is set to quarantine 16 million people in the Lombardy region, and oh yeah did we mention Senator Ted Cruz is staying in Texas all week jizzing into empty soup cans (allegedly) because he may have gotten the
herp coronavirus at CPAC? Not only Ted Cruz, but Congress-dentist Paul Gosar, who reports that he had "extended" contact with the person at CPAC who tested positive, so we guess congratulations on all the sex (allegedly).
Just ... it's bad. Things are about to get bumpy. And Donald Trump is reacting like exactly the grown-up you want in charge at a time like this.
And some of the FAKE NEWS! is coming from inside the White House, which is why the purge must continue!
Donald Trump spent the weekend golfing, but now it is Monday morning, and he is back on task dealing with the important stuff.
Why, if President Obama keeps mishandling coronavirus the way he is, he might have to get impeached!
A few more of the fruits of the president's Monday morning labor, and by "labor," we probably mean whatever work he does when he's upon his morning potty.
But everyone RELAX, because all the stuff that's coming out about how coronavirus is here, and people are going to die, that's all part of the FAKE NEWS! The truth of the matter is that Trump is in control and everybody is fine, he tells you, FINE:
And you might think during times like these, it might be nice to have a president who doesn't retweet fuckfaced little wingnut baby Charlie Kirk SEVEN TIMES on a Monday morning, but that's just because you don't understand things like "governing."
Oh yeah, and he's been retweeting doctored videos of Joe Biden, because what Monday morning would be complete without a little straight-up Russian-style disinformation pushed by dipshits like Dan Scavino? Not a Donald Trump Presidential Monday Morning!
So look, real talk. Shit is bad and about to get worse, and that is just where we are. If you aren't taking precautionary measures (we mean the kind where you make sure your liquor cabinet is full) then you probably should start to think about taking some (before other assholes buy all the mixers). Oh yes, and wash your hands a lot. And get your medical advice from medical professionals and other smart experts. (Wonkette's liquor cabinet advice is solid but we are not doctors.) And unless you are a really skilled investor or investing is your life's work, don't touch your investments right now, if you have them, because you don't know what to do with them anyway.
This is the kind of shitshow crisis Donald Trump hasn't faced yet and is uniquely unsuited for, the kind that actually didn't originate with his own fuckups. External factors are intervening in the markets and in the world's health, Trump is absolutely untethered from reality, and lest we forget, he is America's Stupidest Man. Thus we have headlines declaring that people in the Trump White House are admitting that he is "not on the same wavelength as his team" with this coronavirus thing, and as evidence, have you seen every Trump tweet in this post?
Of course, we have Trump's team to fear too, as he's been purging all of the qualified smart people out of his administration and replacing them with loyalists. You see, after Trump goes through this current unhinged phase of his response to coronavirus and its accompanying crises, he will inevitably decide to Do Something, but it will be Something Insane And Authoritarian And Stupid. Politico explains:
President Donald Trump and his team are talking up the opportunity to finally achieve stricter border security, wider tax cuts and reduced reliance on Chinese manufacturing amid the spread of the coronavirus throughout the U.S. Some officials see it as a narrow opening to offset the political damage from the coronavirus outbreak and deliver — or at least, talk about — some of the president's longstanding promises.
Oh good. Never let a good Reichstag Fire go to waste, right, Stupid Hitler? (Would any of that stop coronavirus? Hahahaha no.)
Our week has only just begun, and it's only going to get worse. Hold on tight, but, like, wash your stinky hands first, OK?
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