Relax, Everyone: Robert Mueller Is Not DUMPING YOU, Just Kidding Maybe He Is

WHOA THERE, it is a #HotScoop about something happening that portends the wrapping up of the Robert Mueller investigation, one that we can actually believe to a point, because of how CNN seems to have some receipts for its story. (Unlike what we always hear from reporters who shall remain nameless, like Ken Dilanian from NBC News.)

CNN is reporting that "as soon as next week," new attorney general William Barr will be announcing the "completion" of the Mueller probe and that Mueller will be sending some sort of report to Barr.


And this is Robert Mueller right now: bUt We HaVeN't EvEn SaId GoOdByE!!!!!!!!

RELAX, loves, because we think it's a little bit more complicated than that. First of all, this sourcing is still not coming from Robert Mueller's office, so don't count your chickens. But something is happening, and CNN has been staking out the place to try to figure out what that something is. Like for instance, apparently last week people who work for Mueller were moving shit OUT of the office. Boxes and files and shit! And CNN notes that four of Mueller's prosecutors have left the building AND that the grand jury hasn't met since it decided to do the Deep State to Roger Stone. Mueller recently extended that grand jury for a maximum of six months, and due to how the rules of grand juries work, the fact that he did extend it instead of impaneling a whole new one suggests that his work is at least close to being finished.

However CNN also says the employees who are left are even coming to work on snow days and holidays, which means they're busy, but that there are also a bunch more outside prosecutors just stopping in to say what's shakin', specifically DC federal prosecutors, which could suggest Mueller's farmed the rest of the criminal investigations out where Trump can't see them and is preparing to exit stage left as he hands the president a false sense of security as a parting gift.

If Mueller really is ready to give some sort of report to Barr (his old friend) next week, then the next step would be for Barr to decide if he wants to tell Congress anything significant about what's in there or if he just wants to give Congress a summary that says "SORRY I DID A WITCH HUNT, LOVE BOBBY." Barr has said that he wants to be as disclosure-y as possible, but he also says he doesn't like the idea of giving out "derogatory" facts about people who have not been charged with crimes. If a real Mueller report is issued next week, though -- and it's not clear that means what these reporters think it means, but we'll get to that in a sec -- and it is not made available to the Democrats who control the House of Representatives, please get ready for all hell to break loose, because you're going to be in the streets helping all hell break loose.

But back to the general thesis of the Mueller investigation wrapping up! Was Matt Schlapp, the DC idiot-ass conserva-pundit with the ice cream van hair, correct when he tweeted this?

Well, Matt Schlapp is married to this one asshole named Mercedes "Mercy" Schlapp, who works in the White House communications office. So maybe she knows something and she's whispered it in his ear during one of their mutual cry sessions over how that comedian lady made fun of Sarah Huckabee Sanders's constant lying that one time. Of course, we'd put it at 50/50 that Mercy really knows insider shit about what's going on at her workplace, so who knows?

But yeah sure, maybe Trump idiots are right and Trump has shoved a hack who likes licking the presidential grundle more than he likes the Constitution in as attorney general, and now that Bill Barr has been at work for eight seconds, he's SHUTTIN' THAT SHIT DOWN. Maybe.

Or maybe not.

Even if they're correct that Robert Mueller, the man himself, is about to close up his official shop and go out for a nice dinner, we think it's more likely that Mueller being "gone" doesn't quite mean what Trump and Schlapp and all the other glue-huffers think it means. Marcy Wheeler suggests that these conservatives are reading this exactly backward (wouldn't be the first time for that cohort) and that Mueller was actually waiting for Barr to be confirmed so he could peace out, rather than Barr pushing him out. It's an interesting theory, and we think it's pretty solid. (She also thinks the timing of this happening in the last couple weeks of Rod Rosenstein's tenure could be significant.)

For one thing, Mueller clearly has shit he is personally not done with, like that mysterious secret case involving a company owned by a country that's been resisting subpoenas. He's also not done chasing down evidence on Roger Stone, though careful readers have noted that Mueller did Stone's indictment in conjunction with DC federal prosecutors, possibly because he knows he's about to blow all these guys (that's how we say "blow this joint," it is verrrrrrrrry funny).

And for another thing, like we said, we've already seen Mueller shift investigations into other jurisdictions where Donald Trump can't see them as clearly and fixate on them on Twitter at four in the morning. (Michael Cohen, for instance!) So it's quite possible that there are a hell of a lot more indictments coming -- especially out of SDNY -- but they just won't have Mueller's name on them, because Mueller will be sans pants in Ibiza just cold fucking his lights out. (Or, you know, hanging out with his wife. Or whatever.)

In fact, the only case Mueller has been hellbent -- and we mean HELL. BENT. -- on keeping under his wing and his wing only during this entire time has been Paul Manafort's case. Know what's happening Friday? Mueller is issuing his sentencing memo for Manafort's DC case that day. (He issued his one for the EDVA case last week, and remember how mad Mueller was and how REDACTED it still was?) Wheeler argues that we're likely to get a big collusion story at the end of this week in that sentencing memo, which doesn't have to go through the whole rigamarole at the Justice Department that an official "report" would be subject to.

Mueller does love his speaking indictments, after all, so why wouldn't he also love speaking sentencing memos?

And since it's likely that Manafort, who is literally willing to die in prison to protect Trump and the Kremlin, is at the very center of the conspiracy, we might be getting a YOOGE story, at least the parts we're allowed to see that this point.

(Wheeler also argues, though, that if Mueller sends a report to the attorney general next week, it's not going to be the WHOLE BIG CONSPIRACY SHEBANG report. That would come in an indictment later, if it indeed is to come.)

In summary and in collusion, we mean conclusion, these are the possibilities as we see them:

  • CNN (and NBC) are full of shit and Trump loyalists are whispering in reporters' ears again and the media is just lapping it up like they always do. Mueller is getting close, but he's not actually there yet.
  • Matt Schlapp is right, Bill Barr is taking a weedwhacker to his longtime colleague and friend's work, Roger Stone's indictment was the grand finale, and this was the worst fucking fireworks show in the entire history of man.
  • Mueller really is done ... in a way. As in, he has the full narrative, he's got sealed indictments, he's actually going do a fireworks show -- both with the Manafort memo and also maybe he might arrest some more fuckers this Friday because YOLO! -- and we all get to watch it. In this scenario, of course, Matt Schlapp and Rudy Giuliani and Meatball McPeenerToilet Whitaker and Donald Trump will be left with their thumbs up their asses and also entire hoagie sandwiches stuck up their asses, because they are gross and weird and put cold cuts in their bottoms when they are unpleasantly surprised. (ALLEGEDLY.) Meanwhile, all the other cases, including ones we don't know about, are signed, sealed and delivered, they're farmed out where they're supposed to be, and we'll have lots more Mueller Fridays, except for you know, that thing we said about Mueller fucking his lights out in Ibiza. Or maybe having dinner with his wife. PANTS-LESS IN IBIZA.
  • Wheeler has a last possibility she says is a longshot, and we agree it is a longshot. It involves Mueller trying to indict Trump. Guess we'll see!

Whatever happens, the fact remains that Mueller is the best in the business and he is NOT A IDIOT.

So chill out, kids. It's not time to freak out, and Wonkette promises we will tell you if it is.

For now, have an OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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