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Remember Those Black Teens Trump Wanted Executed? Netflix Remembers!

Post-Racial America

The glorious queen of black movie making enterprise, Ava  Duvernay, is once again creating visual delights that center African American audiences with her new Netflix mini-series, Central Park Five.


Remember the Central Park Five case? Probably not since it happened long before the internet was used by normal people who need Google to find a website, but Netflix will remind you all about how fucked up our criminal justice system is. The case centers around a false conviction of five black youths who police coerced into "confessions" about the rape of a jogger in 1989. In 2002 they were released because, guess what, they never raped anybody, just like they said. The police maybe lied and stuff and DNA exonerated them for sure. And Donald Trump was like, um so what, execute them anyway, guilty as charged. Just Trump being Trump and helping us MAGA.

A casting call went out, and we are stunned to see that they are looking EVERYWHERE for young black men to give good jobs to, which, we must admit is quite a change from the usual profiling of young black men in America. You know the kind I mean. It usually involves a cell phone and a cop saying “I feared for my life!’, or possibly even a lost teen and an angry guy with a shotgun, so this is nice and hopefully non-dangerous. So, if there are any young brothas out there looking for an entrance into the vaunted halls of Hollywood, here is your shot, get your details over to Centralfivecasting@gmail.com.

One thing you might be wondering is... who the fuck could possibly play Trump if he were lucky enough to be somehow included in this production that clearly does not need him one damn bit? We have no idea, but we found a list of ugly actors to help generate some ideas on who could ugly up his mug enough to play the Orange Orsehole himself.

Is Michael Chicklis still around? He can play rude and bossy, even if he doesn’t quite have the ugly creds to pull off a Trump-face. Also, there are always makeup and special effects to help with the hue. Jeff Bridges is too cool for the role, Alec Baldwin is too funny, Zach Galifianakis probably will say no, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman is no longer with us. Is there no-one ugly and horrible enough?!? Maybe it is best to leave him out, though, he might enjoy the attention too much. He loves attention.

Before you start thinking this is not a big deal, we'll have you know that Ava Duvernay is the first woman of color to produce an Oscar nominated film. Which film might that be? A little production by the name of Selma. And she did it again with 13th. Hell, she might even do it again with her new $100 million budget film Wrinkle in Time. I'm just saying that the woman is hot like fire and you better try to get in where you fit in. Send her your headshots! And give us a shout out from the Red Carpet!!! (Unless you play Donald. In that case we don't know you, probably.)

[Twitter/Cheatsheet]

Wonderbitch

Wonderbitch aka Bravenak aka Bianca DeLaRosa, loves her jobs as Social Media Manager for Wonkette more than Sarah Huckabee Sanders loves lying to America. Bianca also moonlights as a Witch (THE BAD KIND!!) and is a Freelance Goddess of All Things Ever. Be very nice her because she likes to curse people, especially mean people.

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You might've heard that Donald Trump is interested in constructing a wall along the US southern border that will protect us from illegal immigrants. This man-made structure would be as pointless and expensive as Melania Trump. The president wants $5 billion for his moronic wall, and Democrats think $1.3 billion for border fencing is a less gargantuan waste of money. A fence is not a wall, of course. Even Trump knows that.

Mr. Art Of The Deal, in a meeting Wednesday with future House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, threatened to shut down the government if he didn't get what he wanted. Pelosi called his bluff like someone who has successfully negotiated something other than treason with Russia. She left the meeting with Trump admitting in front of everyone, including his wax dummy of a vice president, that a government shutdown would be entirely his fault. In return, Trump received a signed 8 x 10 of Pelosi's freshly manicured middle finger.

Freaking out over the fact that Pelosi's only giving him a one-year membership in the "Jelly of the Month" club, Trump shifted tactics and again claimed Mexico would pay for the wall. (As is its custom, Mexico will not be doing that.)

This time, though, Trump explained through complex "high finance" that Mexico would in effect "pay for the wall" while not actually paying for the wall in any rational sense.

Those of us who aren't real billionaires like the president might not comprehend his logic, because there isn't any. It's like when a couple on "Property Brothers" miraculously avoids some budget-busting repair job during their home remodel and suggests that Jonathan use those "savings" to pay for some ridiculously expensive feature like a walk-in wine fridge. Jonathan then patiently explains that saving money is not necessarily the same as having money.

But maybe there is another solution! Like, what if we ... CROWDFUND THE WALL?

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"The people have got to know whether or not their president is a murderer. Well, I'm not a murderer. I've earned everything I've got and never once committed armed robbery." -- Donald Trump, tomorrow. PROBABLY.

We've now reached the stage of the Trump administration where the president's defenders are cold calling reporters to tell them to quit making such a big deal, because HELLO, THERE'S NO DEAD BODY. (Yet.)

"Nobody got killed, nobody got robbed… This was not a big crime," Giuliani told The Daily Beast on Wednesday. He added, sardonically, "I think in two weeks they'll start with parking tickets that haven't been paid."

This is also the stage where there is a new OMG, breaking! every ninety minutes. So let's type fast to run down the latest on Trump's backroom fuckery with The National Enquirer before this tabloid stuff metastasizes any further.

Last month, the Wall Street Journal reported that Trump met personally with David Pecker, CEO of the Enquirer's parent company American Media, Inc. (AMI) in August 2015. Would Donny's old pal David like to become an unofficial member of Team Trump? HE WOULD.

What can you do to help my campaign? he asked, according to people familiar with the meeting.

Mr. Pecker, chief executive of American Media Inc., offered to use his National Enquirer tabloid to buy the silence of women if they tried to publicize alleged sexual encounters with Mr. Trump.

Well, there goes Trump's defense that he was just racing to buy up those stories to protect poor, delicate Melania -- ten full years after rawdogging a pornstar while she was home recovering from childbirth. Would that be the same meeting described in AMI's corporate immunity deal published five minutes after Cohen got flayed in open court by SDNY prosecutors?

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