Remember When Hillary And James Comey Conspired To Steal Election From Herself? Trump LOLsuit Remembers!

To call the pile of conspiratorial gibberish Donald Trump excreted onto the federal docket yesterday a "lawsuit" is to miss the point. Sure, he ponied up the $402 fee so he could file a case in Florida captioned Trump v. Clinton, suing his nemesis for doing THE RICO by "orchestrat[ing] a malicious conspiracy to disseminate patently false and injurious information about Donald J. Trump and his campaign, all in the hopes of destroying his life, his political career and rigging the 2016 Presidential Election."

But no one believes that 108 pages of 8chan-level nutbaggery alleging that Hillary Clinton presided over a vast conspiracy to weaponize the Democratic National Committee and the FBI to ruin Donald Trump's life is going to lead to a $74 million payout. Because this isn't really a lawsuit. It's counterprogramming for the upcoming report from the House January 6 Select Committee, and the parallels to the House's project are uncanny.

The committee subpoenas upwards of a hundred witnesses, many of whom are well-known figures in the Republican movement? Trump drops a suit on 24 defendants, including Hillary Clinton, Andy McCabe, and Fusion GPS, as well as 20 "fictious" [sic] unnamed defendants. (Watch your back, Harry Potter!)

The committee accuses Trump of presiding over a vast conspiracy to overturn the results of the 2020 election? Trump accuses Clinton of deploying "agents to act on her behalf to carry out the plot against Trump to assure that he would be falsely implicated as colluding with a hostile foreign sovereignty," even going so far as to suggest that he got booted off Twitter "due to the misinformation campaign waged by Hillary Clinton, whereby truth was deemed false and lies were deemed to be truth."

The committee says Trumpland lawyers Sidney Powell, Rudy Giuliani, and John Eastman carried out an attack on democracy and privilege is unavailing because of the crime-fraud exception? Trump sues election lawyers Marc Elias and Michael Sussmann, as well as their former law firm Perkins Coie, alleging a criminal plot to feed the Steele Dossier and allegations about the Alfa Bank server in the basement of Trump Tower to the FBI.

The committee says former assistant Attorney General Jeffrey Clark tried to weaponize the Justice Department to chase down bogus allegations of election fraud as a pretext for swing states to claw back their electors and recast them for Trump? Trump claims that Clinton's "public denigration of Trump and his campaign" led to a "large-scale investigation and expended precious time, resources and taxpayer dollars looking into the spurious allegation that the Trump Campaign had colluded with the Russian Government" thanks to "a small faction of Clinton loyalists who were well-positioned within the Department of Justice and the FBI." So he sues Andrew McCabe, Peter Strzok, Lisa Page, and of course James Comey — the biggest Clinton loyalist of them all!

The committee asks Reps. Jim Jordan and Scott Perry in to discuss their role in spreading lies about election fraud and convincing Trump that Mike Pence had the right to unilaterally reject electors? Trump sues Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, because she was head of the DNC and said mean words about him, which is CONSPIRACY!

The committee subpoenas the RNC? Trump sues the DNC.

The committee subpoenas former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn? Trump sues current NSA Jake Sullivan.

The committee subpoenas Trump's chief of staff Mark Meadows? Trump sues former Bill Clinton chief of staff John Podesta, as well as Philippe Reines, Hillary Clinton's senior advisor at the State Department.

The committee subpoenas Trump campaign manager Steve Bannon? Trump sues Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook. (Podesta was also Clinton's campaign chair.)

The committee subpoenas the leaders of Women for America First about its role in organizing the January 6 rally cum insurrection? Trump sues Fusion GPS and Christopher Steele.

It ain't subtle. Trump is hoping to leverage this lawsuit into discovery he can use to "balance" whatever damning shit is going to come out of the Select Committee. The problem with this plan, though, is that the lawsuit is complete garbage.

It's garbage from a factual standpoint, alleging a Jenga stack conspiracy where Charles Dolan Jr. (the sub-source for the pee tape story) feeds bad info to Igor Danchenko (the primary source), who feeds it to Chris Steele, who feeds it to Michael Sussmann, who feeds it to Nellie Ohr, who feeds it to Bruce Ohr, who feeds it to Andy McCabe, who feeds it to James Comey, who feeds it to Robert Mueller. And if they were all in on it, then everyone along this chain must have known that the information was false — well everyone but Mueller, who hasn't been sued yet, although perhaps he's one of the "fictious" parties. Anyway, all of this was part of a plan cooked up by Hillary Clinton and the DNC, because there was just nothing else to throw at Donald Trump, noted upstanding citizen, philanthropist, and churchgoing family man.

It's garbage from a procedural standpoint, since there's no Florida jurisdiction over half these people. And not for nothing, but the statute of limitations on RICO is four years, and Trump has been shouting "NO COLLUSION!" since 2017.

It's garbage because FFS, IT'S NEVER CIVIL RICO. And if it were, theft of trade secrets wouldn't be a predicate act, even if the DNS data legally collected from the Trump Tower server were a "trade secret," which it most certainly is not. And even if it were true that Democrats fed false info to the FBI, that's not obstruction of justice. Which is a lucky thing for Rudy Giuliani!

And it's garbage because it's full of outright lies and wild extrapolations. No, the DNC wasn't hacked by "an individual" named "Guccifer 2.0" — that was a front for the Russian GRU. No, Robert Mueller didn't "exonerate Donald Trump and his campaign" — he literally called a press conference to say that his report did not exculpate the president, but that any punishment had to be meted out by Congress. No, the Justice Department Inspector General’s Report didn't conclude that "the scheme was conceived, coordinated and carried out by top-level officials at the Clinton Campaign and the DNC—including ‘the candidate’ herself—who attempted to shield her involvement behind a wall of third parties": It found that the investigation was appropriately opened after Trump's idiot coffee boy George Papadopoulos bragged to an Australian diplomat that Russia was about to release damaging info on Hillary Clinton. And speculating that "it seems all but certain that additional indictments are forthcoming" in the Durham investigation is wholly inappropriate to put in a federal pleading.

In short, this is the equivalent of a citizens arrest masquerading as a federal lawsuit. It will be dismissed before it ever gets to discovery, and the lawyers who filed this piece of shit — the infamous Alina Habba, and some personal injury lawyer in Florida who happens to have been Trump's boarding school roommate in 1964 — will be lucky to get out of this without getting sanctioned.

Are we done here?

Yeah, I think we're done.

[Trump v. Clinton, Docket via Court Listener]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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