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THEY'RE ALL FIRED! HAHAHAHAHAHA


There sure has been a lot of news this week about "imminent indictments" and "Hillary Clinton is going to jail forever" and "Clinton Foundation exists, therefore impeach." We discovered the FBI mostly hangs around all day in Breitbart comments sections, getting its scoops straight from Trump campaign manager Stephen Bannon. And we learned she will be going to jail FOREVER, AGAIN, because she is a child sex trafficker and also "emails." (You probably already know everything in that last link about why the email scandal is bullshit, but if you have some idiot friends, hep them to it!)

Two-thirds of the American people think Hillary Clinton is dishonest -- this upswing in her terribles unfavorables coincided directly with James Comey's July press conference about how Hillary Clinton is the worst email crimer since Pol Pot. (Pol Pot did spams like you would not believe.)

And Jason Chaffetz promises there will be sooooo many Hillary Clinton investigations! He's already reserved the overhead projector for his Dick Morris slideshows of feet!

So let's take a little trip back in time, to the 1990s. "Whoomp There It Is" and Whitney Houston's crime against Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You" were all over your radio, which did not even have a Pandora in it. There were no emails for Hillary to crime, so she had to get creative. And that's when she fired her travel agent.

When the Clintons got to the White House, they found a hell of a mess at the White House Travel Office -- the office responsible for coordinating flights for the press that traveled with the president. Ten years of files were piled in a closet. The travel office kept next to no records. And the man who ran it, Billy Dale, had $68,000 worth of checks from media companies in his bank account. (So he could better pay for tips abroad, he said. He was acquitted of embezzlement.)

Hillary Clinton was all "fire these motherfuckers," and then when there was a HUGE MOTHERFUCKING OUTCRY because apparently there was nothing of any importance going on in 1993, she pretty much lied about it. "No, I totally wasn't the one who made the decision to fire them," she said, which was probably not true, and then you know what happened?

They literally investigated her for seven years. She was cleared in the year 2000 by the Independent Counsel who took over from Ken Starr. Janet Reno had asked Starr to broaden his Whitewater investigation to include Travelgate (Bill Clinton's third cousin had been given a job in the travel office after the firing, and another friend of the Clintons wanted to bid on the chartered air travel, which Dale had been giving to one company without bids, but the Clintons are the corrupt ones, because) which then went on to the pressing question of whether Bill Clinton got a beej from Monica Lewinsky, and then Ken Starr was like ENOUGH, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE, I SHOULD GO WORK FOR A COLLEGE AND IGNORE RAPES THERE, and he quit and was followed by Robert Ray, who eventually declined to charge the First Lady. Like, a really long "eventually."

Oh, also: you know how Hillary Clinton murdered Vince Foster, because everybody knows that? Well, I don't think it's ever appropriate to blame someone for someone else's suicide, but the intense media pressure on Vince Foster because of his involvement in the Travelgate firings is reported to have led to his depression.

Like, his whole suicide note was about fucking Travelgate:

I made mistakes from ignorance, inexperience and overwork I did not knowingly violate any law or standard of conduct No one in the White House, to my knowledge, violated any law or standard of conduct, including any action in the travel office. There was no intent to benefit any individual or specific group The FBI lied in their report to the AG The press is covering up the illegal benefits they received from the travel staff The GOP has lied and misrepresented its knowledge and role and covered up a prior investigation The Ushers Office plotted to have excessive costs incurred, taking advantage of Kaki and HRC The public will never believe the innocence of the Clintons and their loyal staff The WSJ editors lie without consequence I was not meant for the job or the spotlight of public life in Washington. Here ruining people is considered sport.

So the Republican Congress that was out for blood did actually get some. Gee, what a shocker that they'd be blaming her for his death for the past two decades. They do like to project.

And that is pretty much what we have to look forward to for the next four to eight years, presuming Donald Trump loses and everything is not quite up to "Apocalypse."

Thanks, Jason Chaffetz! We are very excited to see what 2017-2025 will bring.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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