Remembering Bill Kris... Oh Goddamnit, The Washington Post Just Gave Him A Column

Remembering Bill Kris... Oh Goddamnit, The Washington Post Just Gave Him A Column

We were preparing to writesomethingelse fairly epic about the end of Bill Kristol's tenure as the New York Times' "lightning rod conservative" columnist, a position he accepted one year ago for the sole purpose of annoying people during an election year, but... something's happened!

Let's think about this!

So, the New York Times. The Times is a junk-rated company with an op-ed page read by certain brands of mean liberals. Rich teenagers are the first group. They get free hard-copy delivery at their boarding schools and are required to read the whole thing, every day, by their liberal professor, Allah. At first they only like the Bono column, but then they think, hey, Tom Friedman is a pretty cool dude with his rich people columns about "green" BlackBerrys he saw while jet-setting in Java and Fiji, and that Maureen Dowd sure is a stitch, and how cool is it that Nicholas Kristof gets to fly to Africa all the time.

In college, however, they start to hate Tom Friedman and throw pies at him. They think Kristof still does an able job but eh, so boring after a while.

As for Maureen Dowd, well, this is the key to everything. Those who go through college and *still* think that Maureen Dowd is funny or witty or worth reading at all, they become the die-hard Times opinion page readers for life. You may know some of these people. They hold mid-size dinner parties with white wine and bruschetta. All of their favorite albums are soundtracks. They complain non-stop about the quality of the produce at their grocery store. And so on.

As for the other group of mean liberals -- the ones who discover in college that alliteration isn't really the best vehicle for humor, and that it's actually sort of offensive for this Maureen Dowd person to have 800 words in the Paper of Record twice-weekly -- they just stop reading the Times op-ed page entirely, and then the other sections, one-by-one, until they're only checking out for ~3 minutes each week to study the latest revelations about John Yoo's torture memos. Then they get drunk, navigate to Wonkette, and comment about violent sex until Sara gets pissed and bans them all.

The last group is the one the New York Times was hoping to win back by hiring Bill Kristol. Since Bill Kristol may be the actual worst person in the world -- not really exaggerating! -- it was fun to mock ~30 of his columns in the last year at the expense of increased page views for the fucking Times that hired him. Anti-Dowd liberals hate both themselves and Bill Kristol, so this must have been a profitable arrangement. But he was fired last night, about when everyone expected, and, goddamnit, now we have to grow up! Obama's president! The Era of Low-Hanging Fruit is over and retired in a Dallas mansion! This demon, "nuance," is going to force us to write thoughtfully! EVERY SINGLE PUNDIT IS SUDDENLY FUCKED.

Ha ha, just kidding. The Washington Posthired Bill Kristol today. Like the Times, they just want angry page views. We'd love to defy them and ignore Kristol, but c'mon... we're not heroes. He'll write "Reagan ended slavery" or something in his first column and we'll be all over that. "GOD BILL KRISTOL IS SO RETARDED HE KNOWS NOTHING IT WAS OBAMA ST. LINCOLN ENDED IT, WHERE IS CORRECTION EDITOR?" or whatever. The Era of Low-Hanging Fruit will never die. There's nothing we can do. It's just too goddamn profitable.

Too long? Well how about YOU perverts try justifying in under 500 words how it is that Bill Kristol has been hired to write columns for both the New York Times and the Washington Post in the course of two years, HMM?


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