Republican Patriots Pretty Sure Russian Dictator Can Wipe The Floor With Crappy Old POTUS

joe biden

President Joe Biden really got under Vladimir Putin's skin last week. First, he confirmed in an interview that he told off the Russian dictator to his face back in 2011.

"I said, 'Mr. Prime Minister, I'm looking into your eyes, and I don't think you have a soul,'" Biden told [The New Yorker]. "He looked back at me, and he smiled, and he said, 'We understand one another.'"

I'm a materialist at heart, so I don't believe anyone actually has a “soul." Still, this was a pretty bad ass exchange. Biden also called Putin a “killer," which, if you follow the metaphysics of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is a fair description of soulless beings.

Putin responded Thursday with a variation of “I know you are but what am I?"

I remember when I was young and I got into fights with my friends, we always used to say "whoever calls names is called that himself."

This should've delighted Republicans. They hate presidents who apologize for all the terrible things America has done. Republicans prefer straight-shooting, tough-as-nails cowboy presidents who make two-bit dictators sit their $5 ass down before they make change. The former White House occupant gushed over Putin, but the current, real president has reduced Putin to a children's TV show host.


That's not what happened, of course. Republicans weren't happy because most Republicans are traitors. Putin challenged Biden to a duel live debate, which anyone with a brain knows won't take place because US presidents don't share a stage with two-bit dictators. Yes, Biden debated the previous White House occupant twice, but he wasn't president yet. And it was still beneath his dignity.

Fox News' Sean Hannity expressed serious concerns about a public debate because he thinks Biden is a doddering old fool who'll humiliate himself and his loved ones. However, Putin, who murders people, isn't known for his forensic skills. This isn't a contest over who can poison the most journalists. Democracies are better than dictatorships. That's usually a winning argument. I get that Republicans don't like Biden but honestly, they're cheering for Putin now.

HANNITY: The question is this. Why would Vladimir Putin immediately call for a debate with Joe Biden with no time to prepare?

The answer, for those of us with functioning brain stems, is that Biden rattled Putin, who now realizes that he can't actively attack US elections twice in a row without repercussions. Putin's at an obvious disadvantage when he no longer has a lease to own the US president. The one-term loser's first failed attempt at reproduction, Donald Trump Jr, claimed: "The whole world knows that we have no leadership at the top just an empty suit with a teleprompter (and he can't even get that right)." This idiot lives in an alternate reality where serious people don't point at his father and laugh.

Trump Jr. went on to suggest that our enemies "look at America's weakness right now and are salivating." Because when America's enemies sense true weakness, they challenge our commander in chief to a talk fight like it's the geopolitical version of 8 Mile.

House Rep. Matt Gaetz, the traitor from Florida, compared Putin v. Biden to Rocky IV — probably because that is the most intellectually challenging movie he's ever seen. (I'm not implying that Gaetz especially appreciates movies where Black men are brutally murdered, but on the other hand, I haven't seen his Blu-ray collection.)

Putin and Biden? It would not end like Rocky IV — I don't think the American would prevail.

The previous White House squatter was hardly a mental giant, and whenever he appeared with Putin, they reenacted the "ventriloquist act" from Chicago.

Republican Senator John McCain called the former guy's joint press conference with Putin in 2018 "one of the most disgraceful performances by an American president in memory." McCain died later that year so he didn't live to see all the other disgraceful performances.

It is tempting to describe the press conference as a pathetic rout – as an illustration of the perils of under-preparation and inexperience. But these were not the errant tweets of a novice politician. These were the deliberate choices of a president who seems determined to realize his delusions of a warm relationship with Putin's regime without any regard for the true nature of his rule, his violent disregard for the sovereignty of his neighbors, his complicity in the slaughter of the Syrian people, his violation of international treaties, and his assault on democratic institutions throughout the world.

No prior president has ever abased himself more abjectly before a tyrant. Not only did President Trump fail to speak the truth about an adversary; but speaking for America to the world, our president failed to defend all that makes us who we are—a republic of free people dedicated to the cause of liberty at home and abroad

I never jumped on the "not our president" bandwagon because I thought it was a cop put. You can't define America only by its best decisions, and (white) America made an objectively terrible choice in 2016. However, I'm also not a nationalist. I don't love America so much I'll blindly support a wannabe dictator just because the Electoral College installed him in the White House. As Captain America once said, "I'm loyal to nothing ... but the dream."

I would've feared a live matchup between Putin and President Klan Robe because it would've played out like the end of Animal Farm. You could've looked from dictator to orange pig and orange pig to dictator and not been able to tell the difference.

This is more than just reflexive hatred of any Democratic president. Like the twice-impeached thug, the growing sedition wing of the Republican party admires Putin. They look at corrupt autocrat and see Ivan Drago. Biden's greatest strength is his compassion, which Republicans don't respect and can't imagine prevailing against blatant cruelty. This isn't about rooting against America. It's about siding with human decency, and that's impossible for Republicans.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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