Republicans Agree: 9 Out Of 10 Alabama Children Never Even Seen Roy Moore's Dick!

No really, I'm a friend of your mom's. Get in!

Well, it's official. The GOP has gone full pedophile. They're all in on Roy Moore, despite the nine women who have come forward to accuse him of sexual assault, harassment, or inappropriate relationships. If Democrats had just voted for the Republican tax scam, maybe it wouldn't have come to this!

OR, Republicans are unethical bastards who would pimp out their own daughters while lecturing the world on sexual morality. Hmmmmm. Let's go with that one.

Last month, Mitch McConnell said "I believe the women, yes." He agreed that Moore "should step aside" and vowed to begin expulsion proceedings immediately if Moore were elected. But that was when Moore was down in the polls, see. You can't really hold him to that now that Moore has recovered. Be real, man! Via CNN,

I think we're going to let the people of Alabama decide a week from Tuesday who they want to send to the Senate, and then we'll address the matter appropriately.

See, he's standing up for the poor Alabama voters who are being victimized by those terrible women telling their stories of sexual harassment and abuse. How is it okay for that lady to talk about being pulled out of trigonometry class to take a call from a horny 30-year-old Roy Moore in the week before elections? UNFAIR.

Any Republican Senators want to take a courageous moral stance here?

"I don't think he had any choice but to do that,” [Orrin] Hatch told the reporters on Monday about Trump’s endorsement. “That's the only Republican we can get down there.” He continued, that "many of the things (Moore) allegedly did were decades ago."

RIGHT. Gotta love them family values! (And don't even talk to us about Jeff Flake. That spineless shit is at the White House right now eating lunch with Donald Trump, after he voted for that fucking tax abomination! He'll be buddying it up with Moore in January.)

So now the RNC is making it rain GOP dollars all over Padre Pedo's campaign again. Which had better be the first line of every Democratic ad on TV next summer, dammit!

And just in case you haven't hurled your laptop through the window yet, check out this video of Roy Moore's spokesliar Janet Porter on CNN this morning.

It’s great to be with you. And, by the way, congratulations on your unborn child. That's the reason why I came down, as a volunteer, to speak for Judge Roy Moore, because he’ll stand for the rights of babies like yours in the womb. Where his opponent will support killing them up until the moment of birth.

What the everloving fuck? Did that woman just use Poppy Harlow's pregnancy as a prop for her "Baby Killer Doug Jones" schtick? No doctor in America will abort a viable fetus after 35 weeks. Republicans sure do love to use them as a stick to beat women with, though.

But please, ma'am. Tell us more about how Roy Moore thanks heaven for little girl fetuses, 'cause little girls get bigger every day! Until one day you're hanging out under the bleachers at a high school football game hoping to catch a peek up their skirts. PROBABLY.

We need to make it clear that there’s a group of non-accusers, that have not accused the judge of any sexual misconduct or anything illegal.

CHECK AND MATE. There were at least four girls working at the Gadsden Mall who will swear on a stack of King James Bibles that Roy Moore never laid a hand on them!

Porter then went on to lecture Harlow on how to journalism good. Apparently, that involves slagging the women who came forward to tell their stories as lying whores with an axe to grind. But NOT pointing out that Moore admitted to Sean Hannity that he knew three of the accusers and is now pretending he never met them.

The allegations are completely false. They are malicious. Specifically, I do not know any of these women.

Because that would be FAKE NEWS.

So, to summarize: Demoncrats want to kill Poppy Harlow's baby. Roy Moore never touched nobody. Women are lying whores. And Republicans are the party of family values. THE END.

Please click to fund us. Only for you would we watch that interview with that spokesdevil! Because we care!

[CNN / WaPo / NYMag / Daily Beast]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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