Republicans Close To Deciding Which Character-Free Hellhole Of A City They Will Invade In 2016
The Republican National Committeeis busy narrowing down the list of potential host cities for its 2016 convention. Last week the list dropped by two, with Cincinnati and Las Vegas dropping their bids; Cincinnati because, well, Cincinnati, and Vegas for a whole host of reasons. Needless to say, yr Wonkette was devastated by Vegas’s decision. We were giddy – GIDDY – at the thought of a) the entire Wonkette writing staff covering the convention in person and b) all those wingnut dipwads showing up on the convention floor hung over, pockets having been emptied by every roulette wheel, blackjack table and high-priced call girl from one end of the Strip to the other. All the potential scandals for delegates and candidates to get caught up in … dear Lord, we ask You for so, so little…
Let’s take a look at the four cities left in the running, along with their pros and cons.
Pros: Beautiful women. Being Wendy Davis territory, the wingnuts will make the insulting “Abortion Barbie” meme a thing, which could push Hillary’s share of the national female vote from “Most” to “All.” Hell, forget Hillary. Under those circumstances, the Dems could probably nominate a ball of rubber bands with a couple of eyes drawn on it and still grab nearly the entire female vote. Remember how “You didn’t build that” was the RNC theme in 2012, even though it was based on a bullshit and incorrect reading of what President Obama had actually said? How well did that work out for the Republicans?
Cons: It’s in fucking Texas. In the summer. There will be Cowboys fans and more cowboy hats than a Castro District leather bar on “Country and Western Night.” Also the usual rah-rah macho alpha male “Don’t mess with Texas” bullshit that was outdated by the time Pee-wee Herman lightly satirized it in 1985. We’ll have to endure so many Alamo references Davy Crockett himself might rise from the dead to yell at the assembled GOPers to shut the hell up. Which, come to think of it, would be pretty awesome.
Wonkette's odds the RNC chooses Dallas: 4 to 1
Pros: Legalized weed, at least for any liberal bloggers sent by their bosses to cover the event. The chance to compare it to the ’08 Democratic convention in the same city and find it wanting. A convention floor filled with delegates vomiting and passing out from altitude sickness. An airport so enormous it is possible many delegates will get lost on their way from their arrival gates to baggage claim and never make it to the convention center at all.
Cons: Proximity to Colorado Springs means possibly even more evangelicals attending than usual, which means we won’t be able to walk five feet through the convention center without some mouthy, blow-dried preacher’s wife with a pasted-on smile and teeth whiter than Newport Beach wanting to invite us to her coffee social to eat stale pastries and learn about Jesus. Though it will be fun to eat the free food and then tell her our per diem doesn’t cover donations to her church. Maybe this one’s a wash.
Wonkette’s odds the RNC chooses Denver: Dude, what?
Pros: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Imagine all those nice little Republican ladies and social conservatives inveighing against a museum that has inducted KISS and The Rolling Stones, among others. The river hasn’t caught on fire since 1969, so all the party’s oil men and free-market chicken fuckers can pretend that the environmentalists have done quite enough to save the planet already and there is no need to do any more, thank you very much.
Cons: It’s Cleveland.
Wonkette's odds the RNC chooses Cleveland: 20 to 1, and we’re only ranking it that closely because of the possibility of Ohio once again being the battleground state that swings the whole election. Goddammit.
Pros: Jazz clubs and barbecue, barbecue, barbecue. Could the host city’s bragging about its barbecue greatness lead to a massive brawl on the convention floor between the delegations from Texas, Tennessee, North and South Carolina, and Missouri and Kansas, resulting in multiple hospitalizations, arrests, and Sam Brownback being carved up for steaks like a character in “Hannibal” while Reince Priebus stands at the podium ineffectually waving his arms and calling for calm, followed by several days of every wingnut blogger, radio host, and Fox News anchor falling all over themselves trying to blame the whole mess on Obama? We can only hope.
Cons: What are the non-jazz-lovers supposed to do in Kansas City for three days, go to Royals games? We could say the city’s prostitutes and brothels will be busy exceptionally busy, but that’s true of all of these cities.
Wonkette’s odds the RNC chooses Kansas City: 50 to 1, because by 2016 Brownback’s policies will have turned the entire state into an apocalyptic deathscape that even the GOP will be smart enough to recognize it does not want to show off to the world.
Follow Gary on Twitter. He lives in Los Angeles and is an obvious coastal elitist.