Nonessential employees are stuck at home and bored during the coronavirus lockdown, and few things are less essential than Republicans. Some have decided to pass the time by coming for Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, and she keeps handing them their asses. I'm not one to kink shame but I suggest they spare themselves further embarrassment and just watch "Tiger King."

This weekend, Texas's junior senator and Donald Trump's wet wipe, Ted Cruz, tried to score one on Whitmer. He tweeted an article with what he believed was witty commentary about the $1,000 fines imposed on any Munchkins who dare defy the Wicked Whitmer of the Midwest's social distancing order. The photo attached showed the governor apparently breaking her own edict, signing her tyrannical law into effect among a crowd of contagious onlookers. Cruz didn't bother to consider that this was an old photo, especially since no one's dumb enough to have public signing ceremonies anymore during the coronavirus crisis. Whitmer's not a common Donald Trump.


Whitmer's quick response to Cruz was brilliant.

Hello Senator! This photo is from January of 2019 and is being misused to spread fear and anger. I know you would never intentionally mislead the public during a pandemic, so I'm hopeful you'll correct this mistake as soon as possible. Stay safe and Happy Easter from Michigan.

Cruz deleted his tweet. This was the most amusing thing that happened with his account since a “staffer" was caught “liking" boring porn.

Conservatives are also BIG MAD at Whitmer because she ordered stores to close off areas containing products deemed nonessential. The governor was even the face of the National Review's attack against “coronavirus authoritarianism."

Under what imperious conception of governance does Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer believe it is within her power to unilaterally ban garden stores from selling fruit or vegetable plants and seeds?

Whitmer's power to act in what she considers the public good comes from the state of emergency she declared in March. It's not like she made up Star Wars Emperor-style emergency powers like the Patriot Act, which the National Review has consistently supported. That was different, I guess. It kept Muslims in line. Conservatives only cry tyranny if white people's gardening privileges are temporarily suspended.

The Federalist

The Federalist argued that the crisis is “exposing little tyrants all over the country." Whitmer is one of several elected officials mentioned in this hysterical diatribe, but she's the only one featured in the photo illustration, which looks like she's giving orders about Death Star maintenance to her stormtroopers.

In Michigan, Gov. Gretchen Whitmer has taken it upon herself to declare what items are and are not "essential," dictating to grocery stores what they can and cannot sell as part of a sweeping order issued Friday.

Among the nonessential, and therefore banned, items are fruit and vegetable plants and seeds. Never mind that growing fruits and vegetables at home right now would help maintain social distancing during the pandemic, the governor has spoken and her word is law.

Yes, Whitmer's the governor and her word on this matter is in fact law. I know it sounds crazy -- she's a girl and all -- but it's true. Matt Walsh with The Daily Wire retweeted someone who complained that Whitmer had “banned us from growing our own food." It would take a few months before you'd have (lousy) tomatoes for your BLT. Conservatives are already threatening revolt after a few weeks of lockdown. It's obvious they don't have the patience for actual gardening.

Meghan McCain chimed in on Whitmer's “nonessential" ban because she assumed like a dummy that Whitmer had also banned the sale of children's car seats. Didn't Whitmer know that John McCain's secret daughter would soon have a baby who'd need transporting from the hospital? Shame on you, Gov. Whitmer!

Twitter

McCain typed these words and hit send without once considering that Whitmer probably wouldn't endanger the lives of children. She's an anti-horticultural tyrant but she's not a monster. Sure, John McCain's presidential campaign might not have bothered to fully vet Sarah Palin, but Whitmer is running a professional operation here.

Whitmer responded to McCain with the literal text from her executive order. She even politely recommended that McCain read the order's fucking FAQ.

Twitter

Whitmer's slaying fools on Easter, and it's quite the contrast to that absurd bit from a Politico profile that suggested she's a pushover.

With the suburban-mom hairstyle, the high-pitched giggle, the nasally accent straight out of "Fargo" central casting, she looks like the type of person—OK, the type of woman—that Donald Trump would chew up and spit out.

But looks can be deceiving, especially when they are strategically deployed to deceive.

Anyone who's actually met a bully in their life knows that Trump is scared shitless of Whitmer. Her “looks" aren't deceiving. She's openly and honestly a bad ass. It's why conservatives are coming for her like she's already on the presidential ticket.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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