Republicans Eat Each Other's Faces Off In Yet Another Holy Jesus Debate
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... Dyin' time's here.
[contextly_sidebar id="KdaJ3b4BtILl39oBzeOHFFDaGhcWvV2P"]We've gotten accustomed to some pretty weird stuff happening during Republican debates, like the audience booing a gay soldier because Gay is worse than The Troops, or one of the candidates turning into a robot, or simply a constant string of lies about squirming fetuses. But Saturday night's GOP debate somehow managed to be even more mean-spirited and nasty than usual, or maybe we weren't drunk enough. No, the consensus in the press is that this was the nastiest debate yet, so we'll go with that. On top of that, probably thanks to curiosity about what the candidates would say following the death of Antonin Scalia, it was also the most-watched of all this year's debates, and on a Saturday night, no less. And so, in no particular order, we present, with a certain justified fear of traumatic flashbacks, your Top Most Hallucinogenic Weirdass Moments from Saturday's Debate, as ranked on the International Batshittery Scale:
5: Donald Trump Hearts Putin, Jeb Bush Almost Makes Sense
When Vladimir Putin reared his head over the foreign policy part of the debate, Jeb Bush had to go and throw some facts at Donald Trump, who had just praised Putin's wisdom in calling Trump a genius and said "I like him so far." More boos from the audience, who were booing everything Saturday. Trump went on to suggest that Russia was doing a terrific job of taking out ISIS, so we may as well save our money and let Putin do it. Also, Bush can't possibly be right about what to do in Syria, because "Lindsey Graham, who backs him, had zero on his polls." Jeb showed off that he's been studying up on Middle East stuff, and was so pleased with himself that this next clip comes from Bush's very own YouTube channel:
BUSH: The very basic fact is that Vladimir Putin is not going to be an ally of the United States. The whole world knows this. It's a simple basic fact. [Applause] They're not taking out -- they're not even attempting to take out ISIS. They're attacking the troops that we're supporting. We need to create a coalition, Sunni led coalition on the ground with our special operators to destroy ISIS, and bring about stability. And, you can't do that with Assad in power. He has...
TRUMP: ... We're supporting troops
BUSH: ... Let me finish....
TRUMP: ...that we don't even know who they are.
DICKERSON: ... OK, settle...
BUSH: ...This is ridiculous...
TRUMP: ... We're supporting troops that we don't even know who they are...
DICKERSON: ... Alright, Mr. Trump, alright...
TRUMP: We have no idea who they are.
DICKERSON: Gentleman, I think we're going to leave that there. I've got a question for Senator...
BUSH: ... This is coming from a guy who gets his foreign policy from "the shows."
TRUMP: ... Oh, yeah, yeah...
BUSH: ... This is a guy who thinks that Hillary Clinton is a great negotiator in Iran...
TRUMP: ... Spent 44 million in New Hampshire, it was practically (INAUDIBLE)...
BUSH: ... This is a man who insults his way to the nomination...
TRUMP: ... 44 million -- give me a break.
Who are we supporting in Syria? Either Sunni militias, or maybe nobody has any idea, but the main thing is, did you see how much money Jeb spent in New Hampshire to come in fourth place? Clearly, that kind of ineffective campaigning will not impress ISIS.
Considering that Russian planes reportedly attacked hospitals and schools in Syria Monday, we'll give the point to Jeb here -- Russia is backing Assad, not fighting ISIS.
4: Ben Carson Quoted Your Crazy Rightwing Uncle's Email
By the end of the debate, almost everyone onstage was panting like Animal after a drum solo, except for Ben Carson, who as usual nodded off for a little bit. Then, in his closing statement, he passed on some misinformation that he's especially fond of, even though it's not technically based in "reality":
This is the first generation not expected to do better than their parents. Some people say it's the new normal, but there's nothing normal about it in an exceptional American. I, like you, am a member of we, the people, and we know that our country is heading off the cliff.
Joseph Stalin said if you want to bring America down you, have to undermine three things: our spiritual life, our patriotism and our morality. We, the people, can stop that decline, starting right here in South Carolina. If all the people who say, "I love Ben Carson and his policies, but he can't win," vote for me, not only can we win, but we can turn this thing around.
Damn, that crafty Joseph Stalin saw America's demise coming, and Ben Carson isn't going to let that happen. Except, of course, that Stalin never said any such thing, according to Snopes.com (which is wholly funded by the Soviet Embassy). The quote appears nowhere in any of Stalin's collected speeches or writing, and in fact first showed up in print in a letter to the editor of an American newspaper during the Reagan administration, 30 years after Stalin bought the collective farm. It would be a weird thing for Stalin to have said anyway, since, as Snopes points out:
its subtext is praise for the strengths of American patriotism, morality, and spiritual life. More likely Stalin would have offered some negative reasons (such as the supposedly deleterious effects of capitalism) to use in comparing the U.S. to an unhealthy body.
But who knows, maybe Stalin simply recognized what a wonderful place America is, and was so evil that he openly called for the destruction of all that's good and holy.
3: ¡Marco Rubio And Ted Cruz Break Out The Español!
Ted Cruz tried to prove that Marco Rubio was a big ol' lying liarbot on immigration reform, accusing him of secretly making pledges in a foreign language on a foreign language teevee network, probably to a bunch of foreigns! It didn't quite go as well as he might have hoped:
CRUZ: Marco went on Univision in Spanish and said he would not rescind President Obama's illegal executive amnesty on his first day in office.
I have promised to rescind every single illegal executive action, including that one.
(MIX OF APPLAUSE AND BOOING) [...]
RUBIO: Well, first of all, I don't know how he knows what I said on Univision because he doesn't speak Spanish. And second of all, the other point that I would make...
CRUZ: (SPEAKING SPANISH).
Yr Wonkette doesn't speak Spanish, because we are good Americans, but we know Tourist Spanish when we hear it, and we're fairly certain Cruz was trying to find out where the Canadair Baggage Claim area was.
2: The Audience Boos "Facts"
In the very first round of questions, in which all the candidates agreed that the empty place where Antonin Scalia sat should be bronzed until the next president takes office, Ted Cruz plain old lied about the historical record and moderator John Dickerson corrected him. The audience was not pleased, not one bit:
CRUZ: Well, we have 80 years of precedent of not confirming Supreme Court justices in an election year. And let me say, Justice Scalia…
DICKERSON: Just can I -- I’m sorry to interrupt, were any appointed in an election year or is that just there were 80 years…
CRUZ: Eighty years of not confirming. For example, LBJ nominated Abe Fortas. Fortas did not get confirmed. He was defeated.
DICKERSON: But Kennedy was confirmed in ’88.
CRUZ: No, Kennedy was confirmed in ’87…
DICKERSON: He was appointed in ’87.
CRUZ: He was appointed in…
DICKERSON: … confirmed in ’88. That’s the question, is it appointing or confirming, what’s the difference?
CRUZ: In this case it’s both. But if I could answer the question…
DICKERSON: Sorry, I just want to get the facts straight for the audience. But I apologize.
We have reached the point where facts get booed, because facts are mean and unfair and have a liberal bias. And if you know what's good for you, Mr. Big Media, you'll say you're sorry for sullying a GOP debate with facts.
1: That's "Senator Cruz" If You're Nasty
At one point in the second half of the debate, Trump and Cruz looked like they were going to actually get into a fistfight over truthiness. Do we even care what they were fighting about? Not that much, really; what we want to know is whether the next debate will be settled by swords or pistols.
Not even gonna bother with the full transcript here, simply the lowlights:
TRUMP: You probably are worse than Jeb Bush. You are single biggest liar. This guys lied -- let me just tell you, this guy lied about Ben Carson when he took votes away from Ben Carson in Iowa and he just continues [...]
This guy will say anything, nasty guy. Now I know why he doesn't have one endorsement from any of his colleagues ... He's a nasty guy.
[contextly_sidebar id="gb5quoYChhc4QGwiKW0gt99hogzBB2vF"]And then the back and forth on where did Trump ever say he supported Planned Parenthood, the answer to which is right here at Wonkette, although Cruz seemed to think people should go to his stupid website instead.
Point for this round goes to John Dickerson, for breaking in with "Hold on gentleman, I'm going to turn this car around." No points to Jeb for insisting he now got to talk for a minute because his name was mentioned twice.
We're looking forward to the next Republican debate, which, if we're lucky, will include an actual Jello pit for the candidates to wrassle in.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.