Republicans Threatening To Care About Veterans, Thanks Donald Trump!

Everyone knows Republicans love the troops the best. That's why they're always sending our troops off to war and sticking yellow ribbon magnets of support on their SUVs and screaming THANKS OBAMA every time we hear a story about the lack of resources available for our conquering heroes, because Republicans hate government spending -- on things like resources for our veterans -- even more than they love the troops.

So we shouldn't be surprised, sickened, disgusted, and retching our guts out all over our keyboards at this latest demonstration of love. And yet:  

The super PACs supporting Ted Cruz are offering $1.5 million to veterans charities if Donald Trump agrees to debate Cruz one-on-one before the Iowa caucus, heightening the stakes around Cruz's proposal just five days before the Iowa caucus.

"Not only would this be a heck of a debate, but it would also be a terrific opportunity to generate millions of dollars for the veterans," the donors backing the pro-Cruz "Keep the Promise" entities said in a joint statement on Wednesday night.

[contextly_sidebar id="SNOVEX4zRNU1tXFZhmWEEHqALhN2bKGJ"]The Cruz-supporting super PACS -- which of course are not coordinating with Cruz in any way wink wink wink sarcasm voice, so Cruz probably isn't even aware that this offer was made -- sure want the chance to generate millions of dollars for the veterans. An opportunity that would not exist unless Trump, who has bailed on the Fox News debate Thursday to host a fundraiser for our vets but really to say "my dick is bigger than yours" to Fox News,​a agrees to give Cruz the face-slapping name-calling girl fight Cruz is begging for. Not that Cruz is in on this plan at all, no sir, because that would be a violation of campaign finance LOL just kidding:

Cruz laid out a specific proposal to Trump at a rally in West Des Moines on Wednesday evening, telling the crowd his campaign has reserved a venue in Sioux City, Iowa, for 8 p.m. local time on Saturday night. He said 800 seats are available for Iowans — and Trump can choose to do what he likes with half of them.

"We have the venue. We have the time," Cruz told the receptive, chuckling crowd. "All we're missing is the candidate."

If you're the kind of cynical America-hater who does not love our veterans, you might wonder why it's only a good idea to raise money for them in certain situations, like if Cruz gets his way, but not just, you know, in general. This is the part where we'd offer a snarky faux response to that question, but wait, Carly Fiorina wants to ME TOO! her way into this one. Because of how she loves our veterans even more:

Awww, that's nice. Carly Fiorina is also willing to give some of her millions of dollars to veterans, but only if she gets to be the meat in a Cruz-Trump sandwich.

Yeah, you're welcome for that imagery.

[contextly_sidebar id="w0QrxEa2ay8zkkUyTtsjHxPWacfVp4uX"]We aren't surprised that Fiorina is also eager to pretend she gives a tiny constipated poo drop about veterans, for a price. Just last week, she hijacked a group of preschoolers on a field trip to the Greater Des Moines botanical garden and made them listen to her shrew-shriek about unborned babies getting murdered, and no, their parents had no knowledge of it and had not given their consent, but the Fiorina campaign insisted "these children chose to come to Carly’s event with their adult supervisor."

So yeah. Offering charity to those who have served our nation, but only if, totally seems like something she would do. It seems like something they would all do. This is today's Republican Party: rich assholes who could write big fat checks right this second, with zero preconditions, to the causes they claim to believe in, but nope. They'll only "care" if it benefits their cynical political ambitions. Because goddamn America and vote GOP.

[ NBC News ]