Republicans Wish Obama Did Turkey Murder As Good As Sarah Palin
Now that's presidential.
If you're like most Republicans, you're not even HAVING Thanksgiving this year, because you're still upset over how "President" Obama abused his executive powers last year, by pardoning TWO turkeys instead of just one, can you say OUT OF CONTROL MUSLIM DICTATOR? Haha, just kidding, Republicans aren't canceling Thanksgiving, because YUM YUM YUM.
And if you're like most Americans, you're planning your Thanksgiving menu and thinking to yourself, "Boy oh boy, I am SO glad Donald Trump is not coming to Thanksgiving this year, can you imagine? Especially now that my sister is dating that Latino fella!" (Because Donald Trump is a big racist toward the Mexicans, and also toward the other people who aren't white.)
If you are guessing these are the results of an actual poll, and not something yr Wonkette just made up, you MAY be correct. Or you might be wrong, and we just pulled this new thing from Public Policy Polling right out of our Wonkhole.
Barack Obama nowhere near as good at turkey murder as Sarah Palin
From the department of For Real, Republicans Have An Opinion About This, we learn that only 11 percent of Republicans are OK with how That Damn Obama waved his executive Kenyan czar wand last year and decided to pardon TWO turkeys, whose names were Macaroni and Cheese. Can you imagine? IMPEACH!
Look, PPP even made a picture graphic to help us understand the results, in case we are D-U-M:
We for the life of us could not figure out why this could make Republicans SO MAD, but then we remembered the thing we promised to Never Forget, which was that time Sarah Palin "dontcha you betcha!"-ed at the camera while a guy FED A LIVE TURKEY INTO A GRINDER BEHIND HER. Guess we're just liberal coastal elites, but we always sort of figured most people were grossed out by that, at least a little bit?
But maybe Republicans really like that video. Maybe they're like, "Oh, there's that maverick Sarah Palin!" and they finger themselves into Rich Lowry Starburst Nirvana as they watch it over and over again, for a Thanksgiving tradition. (Don't worry Wonkers, you'll get your Thanksgiving Sarah Palin video ON THANKSGIVING, when you're supposed to get it.)
Donald Trump most likely to ruin Thanksgiving, but HOW?
It is a well known fact we looked up on our Obamaphone that Donald Trump would be a bad, embarrassing dinner guest. And almost half of Americans agree! Let's see how all the candidates fared:
46% say they think Trump would be the candidate most likely to ruin Thanksgiving, as much as all the rest of the candidates combined. Hillary Clinton at 22%, Bernie Sanders at 7%, Jeb Bush and Ben Carson at 6%, Ted Cruz at 4%, and Marco Rubio at 1% round out the standings on who people think would be most likely to wreck the holiday.
OK, that's fine, but HOW will they ruin Thanksgiving? Thank Christ Wonkette is around to do the speculative work PPP is apparently too lazy to do:
- Donald Trump will shout racist things about Mexico, building YOOOOGE walls, Muslim registries, and right in the middle of it, your Aunt Lurlene will say, "Would you like some more pie?" and he will get mad at her for bleeding out of her wherevers, by asking questions.
- Hillary Clinton will be smug as always, doing Benghazi to the various yams and cranberry sauces on the table, and when you kindly ask her to stop, the New York Times will report that she stormed off and scissor-banged Huma Abedin in the front yard. This will not actually happen, and you will once again wonder why the NYT sucks at life so much, and moreover who invited IT to Thanksgiving.
- Bernie Sanders will say socialism words, which is fine, Bernie, but can you chill the fuck out about politics for ONE SECOND? Nobody wants to hear you yell about free college right now, please pass the giblet gravy.
- Jeb Bush will fuck it all up, every single thing. If it's in your house on Thanksgiving, Jeb Bush will break it, and then he'll spend 30 minutes putting on a hoodie, start hashtagging around your backyard saying "Jeb Can Fix It!" You will call Barbara Bush to please come pick up her son, and she will refuse, because she hates him.
- Ben Carson will just sleep through the whole thing, waking up only occasionally to explain how on the first Thanksgiving, when he was a cadet at West Point, all they had was Egyptian pyramid grain and Jesus did a miracle and turned it into a full spread catered by the Popeyes Organization. And then, fucking hell, he will tell you all about how he stabbed somebody one time, can we please just not talk about that for THIS ONE DAY?
- Marco Rubio will do ... a thing? We don't know. Oh, maybe he will talk about how fuckin' great those Paris attacks were, because "reasons."
When asked the question the opposite way, Americans said Hillary is the candidate they'd most like to eat Thanksgiving with, probably because she is a badass.
Other important findings in this poll are that Olds like cranberry sauce but youngs do not, Starbucks is actually NOT murdering Christmas (except for like 13 percent of Americans, probably the same ones bitterly clinging to Obama's turkey pardon libel), and macaroni and cheese (not the turkeys, the actual dish) is a super great thing to serve for Thanksgiving, which is good, because we are making Wonket's special grown-up macaroni and cheese for grown-ups for Thanksgiving, whether ding-dongs like it or not.