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OMG!!Veteran Condiwatchers thought the ridiculous vice presidential rumors were over and done with, but oh no, there was to be one final, glorious flare-up last week to finally burn them to cinders. What else has America's Princess Diplomat been up to for the last seven days? Well, it all involves paperweights, cutesy baseball references, Jimmy Carter, and torture! Yay! Find out all about it after the jump.


Condi and McCain 4everOK, so last week in the Condi Roundup, I linked almost as an afterthought to an article about Dan Senor trucking the Condi veep rumors on ABC's This Week. Senor obviously got the whole idea from Steve Clemons, who had earlier spun the straw of Condi meeting with Grover Norquist into the gold of her angling to be McCain's running mate. Well, you know what happens when you repeat a rumor, no matter how illogical, on television! And like an extravagantly virulent STD, the rumors flared up anew.

Telephone gameAnd since nobody wanted the rumor to be true more than journalists, they all rushed to write about it. Condi's spokesboy, Sean McCormack, tried to throw water on the whole thing with a quick denial, but it was too late. Both Reuters and Ackers at the Washington Post buried the denials in clouds of wishful thinking and feel-good quotes from Grover Norquist,.

Wish you were hereThe funniest thing is that WALNUTS! McCain himself was pretty bewildered about the whole business.

"I missed those signals," the doddering, ancient coot said, refusing to play along with the reporters. He then rambled on a bit about Condi being a great American 'n stuff, finally adding, hilariously, "her overall record is very, very meritorious." And then they gave him his meds and wheeled him back to his room.

Meanwhile, what was Condi herself doing while all this was swirling around? Why, she was chuckling it up with tiny defense secretary Robert Gates at the Colombia trade thingy. (All large photos by AP.)

So happy together

Another MAPOOn Tuesday, Camp Condi issued a fresh batch of "No, Condi's not running" statements. The Washington Post's Eugene Robinson, refreshingly, realized full well that the McCain/Condi idea was totally ludicrous, and wrote a hilarious column to that effect. "[T]he piano recitals, the early-morning workouts, the skybox appearances at football games, the impromptu lectures on Russian history (in Russian), the daily fashion show," Robinson wrote excitedly, ending with a heartfelt "Pleeeeeease?"

And just like that, the rumor was dead. Well done, Eugene!

Condi's legacyWell, now that we've got that all sorted out, let's talk about something more fun, like torture! On Wednesday, ABC News reported that -- wouldn't you know it? -- the Bush Administration had all kinds of special meetings about approving "enhanced interrogation techniques."

And what about our fashionista diplobot? Why, she chaired the meetings! Neato, Condi! There's that legacy you were wondering about! It's no wonder she looked so constipated at her meeting with her Canadian and Mexican counterparts:

I'd rather be shopping

InterloperThe rest of Condi's week was mostly made out of cutesy bullshit, although she did take some time out on Friday to call Jimmy Carter an asshole. Just because he won the Nobel Peace Prize, he thinks he can do a better job in the Mideast than Dr. Ferragamo! The nerve! He's trying to steal your precious legacy, girl! Don't let him do it!

Meanwhile on Friday, Condi was presented with one of the most underwhelming honors of her career. A bunch of Afghanis were around, and to show their appreciation to Condi for everything she's done for their bucolic country, they presented her with ... a paperweight. No, really! A paperweight! How much do you want to bet they picked it up last minute at the airport? Anyway, here's what it looks like when Condi is presented with a magic paperweight by grateful Afghans:

Such an honor

Condi, I think the above picture gives an accurate representation of every photo-op you're going to endure from now on for the rest of your life.

Don't do it, FrankAnd finally, remember how Bush got booed recently when he threw out the first pitch at the Nationals game? I think it affected Condi deeply. How do I know this? Well, her last thing on Friday was a presser with her German counterpart, Frank Steinmeier, and at the end when everything had devolved into cute nattering, one of the reporters asked if Condi had any advice for Mr. Steinmeier, who was scheduled to throw out a pitch in Boston. Her suggestion? "I would tell him not to do that," the plucky diplomat warned, "This is risky, Frank."

Better luck next timeAnd last but not least, just to show how totally dead the Condi/WALNUTS! rumors were by the end of the week, some people had already moved on to other absurd ideas about who to put up as McCain's running mate. Gary Bauer, the batshit crazy erstwhile candidate, for instance, came up with perhaps the only pick more unlikely than Condi: Fred Thompson! And that, dear readers, is how a rumor truly dies, not with a bang, but with a whimper.

Veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) explores the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America's Favorite Princess Diplomat™ each week at Wonkette!

PREVIOUSLY: Casting 'n' Condicising

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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