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Richard Cohen Would Like Justin Bieber To Know That Reefer Madness Is Real, Man

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There's been a lot of Justin Bieber news: the drag-racing arrest, the police raid that found drugs, the arrest for assaulting a limo driver, and his private plane pilots wearing masks because of all the dank fumage. Through all this, WaPo's Richard Cohen has not shared his feelings. Finally, today he has. O Glorious Day.


While the rest of the world is saying "wait, why do I care what some aging lover of sexual harassment who only just learned that slavery was bad thinks about this era's Bobby Vinton?" Richard Cohen has been standing in front of a mirror, stroking his beard and his penis simultaneously, whispering "they want you, baby. They want to hear from you. Everybody does. Tell it like it is, Richard Cohen. Speak truth to power about Justin Bieber." OK, we weren't really there watching that, because ewww, but honestly, it is the only explanation for this column.

On the off chance that he is not already a subscriber, I urge Justin Beiber to take a look at the current issue of the New York Review of Books. There, in addition to an article about his fellow musician, Johann Sebastian Bach, is one about marijuana. It was written by the eminent Jerome Groopman of the Harvard Medical School who says, basically, that marijuana is not a benign drug. Smoke it at your own risk.

What bazillionaire 20-year-old whose fame rests upon having really insanely good teenage hair wouldn't respond to the clarion call of the New York Review of Books? Combine that with a Bach namecheck and some weed-shaming and the Biebs has probably already read the Review cover to cover three times yet today. Then Richard Cohen pivots -- brilliantly, of course, because that is the way of Richard Cohen -- to a series of haranguing statistics about weed that basically boils down to this: if you use a fuck ton of weed every day until you can't do anything else, or you get super fucking high and drive your car, these things are bad, mmmmkay? These are really not things that are in doubt, Richard Cohen, but they are also things utterly unrelated to casual weed use or medicinal weed use or Justin Bieber weed use. Perhaps Cohen would have made a bit more sense if he could have been arsed to go back and look at other things he wrote on the topic, but haha he is too lazy for that AND TELLS US SO.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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