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WOO FUCKIN' HOO, SPRING BREAK! TOPLESS LADIES AND TOO MUCH ZIMA AND KEG STANDS AND ... Revolutionary war sites? Wait what?


Yes, Rick Gates is pleading guilty, because special counsel Robert Mueller finally made him an offer he couldn't refuse, which was, "dude, you lied to the FBI this month in your Queen For A Day interview, do you really want me to put you in jail for everything until the end of time?" So Gates is pleading guilty to a very broad charge of conspiracy against the United States, and also to being a liar to the FBI-er.

But as Gates made the decision to do that, he also made another decision, and it was that he really really really wants to go on Spring Break with his kids, perhaps so he can spend some quality time with them before Daddy goes to the minimum security Fun Jail, where they get to do crafts with pipe cleaners and Elmer's Glue and everybody watches "Wheel Of Fortune" together every night. Gates would like to take his kids to Boston, so he can show them the Revolutionary War. It is for educational purposes! And certainly definitely there are no Russians there who will put a disguise on Rick Gates's face so they can take him home to his native Russia.

Here, have a filing:

In case you cannot read that, this is the funny part:

"This proposed trip of course cannot take place in Richmond, as it is intended to expose Mr. Gates's children to historical sites that can only be visited in Boston."

This is a far truer statement than the lies Rick Gates told the FBI. Boston has at no time in recorded history been in Richmond, Virginia. That would just be impossible. And so it follows that Revolutionary War sites in Boston, like the Paul Revere House, Faneuil Hall, and the Old State House in Boston are in no way to be construed as places in Richmond. Got it? Boston is in Boston. Richmond is in Richmond. The Venn Diagram of where Boston is and where Richmond is TWO VERY FAR APART CIRCLES.

Thus it is that logic would demand that if Rick Gates's kids are going to go to those places, they will have to travel to Boston. However, Rick Gates's children are far too young to go to Boston by themselves, therefore letting Daddy McMoneyLaundry take them is the only responsible course of action.

Also Rick Gates promises to wear his ankle bracelet the whole time, and he definitely will not accidentally hurl it into Boston Harbor when he's re-enacting the original Tea Party, for educational purposes, for his children.

PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE, JUDGE, PLEASE?

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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