Rick Perry: Texas Is Spread Wide Open, Eagerly Awaits Your Throbbing Business


Texas drug-eater Rick Perry denies that he is gay, but Texas? Gay as the dickens -- FOR YOUR BUSINESS! That is the message of the “Texas Wide Open for Business” campaign that Gov. Perry is flogging in New York, California, and various other places where it is not torturously hot, humid, and buggy all the goddamn time like it is in Texas, and where people do not have an unearned sense of accomplishment just because they live in a certain place. Wait, scratch that last one, because we just said New York and California (we are New Yorkers and we love California, but srsly.)

Another goal is to entice Connecticut gun manufacturers to skirt new state regulations by relocating to Texas. Good, maybe once that happens, Texas can finally secede and then we can legally embargo all their bullshit. Problem solved!

How much more effective would Perry’s cheerleading be if he weren’t so widely known as a buffoonish ass? A bunch, probably! It’s also kinda weird that a government official has to pimp his state with a traveling medicine show and a shitty commercial we didn’t watch; shouldn’t the magneto-magical emanations of the Free Market be enough? Rick Perry, y u socialist? (Yes, we read how this is all funded privately. It’s a good thing there won’t be any Public Integrity Unit to wonder what that money’s really buying.)

If you’re thinking the states Perry is targeting probably don’t like what he’s doing, a gold star for you! Here’s California’s Gov. Jerry Brown on the initiative: “[B]arely a fart.” Oh Jerry, never change. And if you’re thinking it’s probably easy for Texas to be so business-friendly when they are last in the nation in providing health insurance and give less than a shit about polluting every other state with their filthy air, you are acing this class, and how!

Often imitated, never replicated: TEXAS! They ache for your business! And don’t worry about the ticks, even though they have one that can make you allergic to meat! Oh, and can we suggest a slogan, too? “The opposite of taxes is Texas!” You’re welcome.



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