I'm Rick Scott And I Do Not Want To End Social Security And Medicare, Pinky Swear.

I'm Rick Scott And I Do Not Want To End Social Security And Medicare, Pinky Swear.

Hi there! Don’t be afraid! It’s just me, Florida Senator Rick Scott.

I understand. You never know what weird refugee from the island of Dr. Moreau you’re going to run across out here in the Everglades. Last week while I was foraging for food, I ran across a seventeen-foot python that looked exactlylike Ron Johnson. And I mean exactly. It even kept screaming, “Rick, it’s me, Ron, what are you doing???” as I ate it.

Whew, I tell ya, that was haunting.

What am I doing here in the Everglades? Besides hunting down and eating wretched python-Ron Johnson hybrids? Well, I like it here in the Glades. It’s wild, it’s humid, it’s muddy, it’s isolated, it’s populated by hideous creatures and hermits who haven’t seen a shower or a barber since the early '80s … it just feels like home.

Oh, hang on a sec. Do you see that? That alligator that looks exactly like Ted Cruz? Let’s see if we can’t grab him and make us some soup. And maybe a nice handbag for the wife while we’re at it.

You hang back. I’m an experienced hunter. I’m just gonna slither up this tree and drop on him from above. You be ready. If he slips away and runs at you, just grab his jaws, flip him on his back, and hold him down until he stops thrashing.

What? That is Ted Cruz? Well, if that’s not the darnedest sight. Slithering around on his belly in the mud with those stubby little arms, you can see why I was confused. Ted! Hey Ted! Over here!

That’s weird, why is he running off while screaming in terror? Do I still have some python skin stuck in my teeth?

Man, I am starving. You’d think seventeen feet of raw python meat would sate my insatiable hunger.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the Glades. I like to retreat out here when I need a break from Washington. Sure, Washington’s also a swamp, but is it a swamp where a freakish cross between a man and a giant sandworm with razor-sharp teeth can hunt, kill and eat anything it wants, man or beast, without regard for any laws save the laws of nature?

Trust me, it’s not, as the police told me when they caught me chasing a screaming Chuck Todd across the Capitol lawn with my reptilian tongue flicking at his heels and my vise-like jaw unhinged to swallow him whole. They said, “Senator, we don’t know how things are in Florida, though we’ve heard stories, but up here you cannot just skin news anchors alive and swallow them whole like you’re popping Skittles. For one thing, we hate having to do the paperwork.”

And boy, did I need a break this week. What a time! First I lost a leadership battle against Mitch McConnell, the most ruthless and efficient Republican Senate leader in history, when my fellow members of the GOP caucus were unimpressed by my platform of "I just mishandled millions of dollars in campaign financing for Republican Senate candidates across the nation this last cycle, contributing to us losing a seat and remaining in the minority, please let me lead you."

Then Mitch took me off the powerful Commerce Committee as punishment while telling me I should be grateful he didn't put me on a one-man Committee for the Study of Whether Rick Scott Can Shove His Entire Head Up His Ass.

Then Joe Biden in his State of the Union speech called me out on what he claimed was my plan to end Social Security and Medicare. Which is not fair! What I called for was a law requiring Congress to debate bills reauthorizing every single law and program we pass every five years. And yes, Social Security and Medicare were created by duly passed laws that are still on the books. So theoretically yes, we would have to reauthorize Social Security and Medicare every five years in perpetuity. But Congress would never not vote to reauthorize those important programs! Not even if every five years we get the chance to accomplish this goal we Republicans have been saying for decades we would like to accomplish. Not even if one of those years we suddenly say “Oh hey, now’s our chance to finally after all these years destroy Social Security and Medicare!” Which we’ll never do. Pinky swear.

Surely a little uncertainty for the entire nation every five years about programs that touch pretty much the entire population is worth it for this too-cute-by-half reform.

Besides, why would we take away something people have relied on for so long? Listen, people say we haven’t protected the right to an abortion. But women can still get abortions some places in this country, every other Monday, between 3:00 and 3:30, if they are in their first week of pregnancy and if they can hop into a Planned Parenthood backwards on one foot while naked and playing “November Rain” on a kazoo.

See, we’re not monsters. Not even here, when we’re starving and there is a wounded and vulnerable turkey vulture that looks suspiciously like Lindsey Graham trying to drag itself across this clearing …

Anyway, then I had to spend all week defending myself against this true-but-I-hoped-no-one-would-notice accusation! The worst was that Kaitlan Collins on CNN, who had the temerity to double-check me ahead of time and then prepare for the interview so that I couldn’t put one over on her.

She should be careful, that Kaitlan Collins. She can ask Chuck Todd why. Say, are you sure you don't want to split this turkey vulture?

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