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Congratulations On Being Born, Robert Mueller! We Made You An Elegant Blingee!

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Happy birthday to the special-est special counsel of them all, Robert Swan Mueller III, AKA Bobby Three Sticks, AKA Donald Trump's real dad!

On this day in 1944, Robert Mueller was birthed as an actual baby and immediately started dreaming of the subpoenas he would one day send to the shittiest American president ever to live, who was not even borned yet at the time.

We wanted to get Robert Mueller a birthday present, but we ain't know what the man with all the receipts would actually need or want, and besides, we have a feeling he's going to have a REALLY GOOD CHRISTMAS this year, so instead we made him the Blingee you see above.

Herein, we will decode the symbolism, because you are probably too dumb to understand art.


DOLPHINS SHOOTING OUT OF HIS MOUTH = INDICTMENTS

CAT TRYING TO BAT AT MUELLER'S CHIN = DEVIN NUNES, BECAUSE WHILE FUCKING DEVIN MIGHT THINK HE IS REAL TOUGH AND STUFF, IN MUELLER'S EYES, FUCKING DEVIN IS BASICALLY A DUMB BRAND NEW KITTEN MESSING WITH HIS FACE LIKE "STOP IT, DEVIN THE KITTEN! I AM TRYING TO DO MY INDICTMENTS!"

POMERANIAN = DEEP STATE. WILL BARK THE KITTEN OUT OF EXISTENCE IF IT GETS TOO ANNOYING.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY = HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

CIGAR = SOMETIMES A CIGAR IS JUST A CIGAR, JESUS CHRIST, THIS ISN'T THE STARR INVESTIGATION.

CROWN = SYMBOLIZES THAT ACTUALLY ROBERT MUELLER WILL HAVE THE FINAL SAY ON WHERE TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY, AND THUS AMERICA, GOES NEXT.

SUN = HOW THE WEATHER IS IN ROBERT MUELLER'S BRAIN, BECAUSE HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ALREADY.

OPEN THREAD = THIS IS YOUR OPEN THREAD, which is not actually in the Blingee, we are just telling you because this day is over now, good night and good fuck, we mean luck.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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