Robert Mueller's Angry Democrat Witch Hunt Finds TWO ANGRY DEMOCRAT WITCHES!
FINALLY, the news we have all been waiting for! It is PROOF that ROBERT MUELLER was really investigating the DEMOCRATS this whole TIME, and he is now going to UNVEIL that he REALLY has put HILLARY CLINTON and CHELSEA CLINTON and probably also BEYONCÉ in ANKLE BRACELET JAIL for doing #PIZZAGATE but they can't do #PIZZAGATE anymore because GREAT VALIANT TRUMP OF THE TUMESCENT HE-PENIS has been secretly working this whole TIME to SAVE THE WORLD and ...
Oh fuck, sorry, we were just reading Robyn's excellent post on QAnon and it seems to have gotten the better of us.
Donald Trump has been having an absolute shit-fit today. You think he'd be happier, because CNN broke news that special counsel Robert Mueller had sent criminal referrals on DEMOCRATS to the Southern District of New York (SDNY). But perhaps somebody whispered in Trump's ear that these Mueller referrals happened back in the spring and they're just pissant bullshit, so they didn't make him feel better.
Here, let CNN splain you:
Since the spring, Mueller has referred matters to SDNY involving longtime Democratic lobbyist Tony Podesta and his work for his former firm, the Podesta Group, and former Minnesota Republican Rep. Vin Weber and his work for Mercury Public Affairs, the sources said.
One source said that former Obama White House counsel Greg Craig, a former partner at law firm Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom LLP, is also part of the inquiry.
OH SHIT, THEY GOT GREG!
And they also got Tony Podesta, brother of JOHN PODESTA who is EMAILS and HILLARY and WIKILEAKS and RISOTTO RECIPES (1 plate of risotto = 2 Pizzagates)! Is Robert Mueller about to end the Democrats' illegal Hillary Clinton-led reign of terror?
Ahem, no. This is all about FARA (Foreign Agents Registration Act) violations. But wait! You are loudly saying BUT WAIT!
Aren't FARA violations part of what Paul Manafort is going to the pokey forever for? Yes. But he's much more going to the pokey forever for rampant money laundering and conspiracy to defraud the United States, and a host of other things too. The FARA violations are just extra cheese on the pizza. Same with Michael Flynn. He didn't plead out on lying to the FBI to avoid SUDDEN GUILLOTINE over his FARA violations. Clearly, Mueller has him dead to rights on a lot of other shit. (Stuff like this, maybe?)
FARA violations are very rarely prosecuted. As a result, people who act as foreign agents are totally fucking lazy all the time about actually registering as foreign agents.
But wait! YOU ARE LOUDLY AGAIN SAYING BUT WAIT, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP! Isn't being a foreign agent bad?
Nah, bro, not usually.
Consider Tad Devine, who ran Bernie's campaign and was the first witness in the trial against Paul Manafort. Devine worked in Ukraine with Paul Manafort, and guess who else worked on those Ukraine projects? All those guys we listed above, including Greg, OH SHIT THEY GOT GREG! As we noted this morning, Devine appears to have conducted his work without going on ELEVENTY CRIME SPREES like a common Paul Manafort. Robert Mueller assured Devine he faces "no legal exposure and did not act unlawfully," just like 99 percent of the hired guns who study abroad for a semester and do campaign work in exotic faraway places manage to do so without breaking any laws. But it sounds like Mueller found evidence that these dudes in question did their work in Ukraine without registering properly.
(Of course, The Podesta Group and Mercury Public Affairs retroactively filed. As CNN notes, cooperating witness Rick Gates told the feds he lied to Skadden -- which advised Podesta and Mercury -- about whether the non-profit Paul Manafort was funneling money through was a front for the Ukrainian government, "a step he knew would avoid triggering Mercury and the Podesta Group to register their work under the FARA statute." So there's that.)
As things go, kinda pissant. And that's why Mueller punted it over to SDNY. Chasing down every campaign hired gun who ever did a foreign campaign during the off-season and failed to register as a foreign agent is not Mueller's mandate. He is HUNTING WABBITS, please and thank you. WUSSIAN WABBITS. And also WABBITS who have been on Russia's payroll this whole time probably up to and including their time with the Trump campaign, like Paul Manafort.
If SDNY wants to do something with these referrals, it will, but don't expect any KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER raids at Tony Podesta's house.
And that is the story of the DEMOCRAT WITCHES in Robert Mueller's ANGRY DEMOCRAT WITCH HUNT.
It is not a very exciting story.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!