Mama said knock you out.

Uh oh, all hell is breaking loose in Washington DC, because Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein has just announced indictments out of special counsel Robert Mueller's DC grand jury, and it appears MOST RUSSIANS WHO EVER LIVED are going to jail. OK, maybe we are exaggerating. Catherine The Great is not going to jail. That dumb Russian skater with the dumb face in the Olympics right now is not going to jail, even though he probably should, for having a dumb face.


Named in the indictments is the Internet Research Agency, the "troll farm" we've written about many times that operated out of St. Petersburg and employed many Russians who worked daily online to screw with America, starting as far back as 2014. The organization was contracted by the Russian government under a campaign known as Project Lakhta. It employed hundreds of dedicated ratfuckers, had a budget "equivalent of millions of US dollars," bought fake Facebook ads WITH RUBLES, stole people's identities, created fake identities, created fake Facebook groups, organized fake rallies, left fake internet comments (“FOUR DED MURCANS HITLERY PIZZAGATE NOBUMMER NEVER!” probably) and generally aimed to sow discord all over the political spectrum. Some of the Russians even traveled to the United States and "set up computer infrastructure" in the US "to hide the Russian origin of their activities" and to hide from law enforcement.

Click here for a deep dive into what it was like to work inside the IRA, doing the thrilling work of shitting on Hillary Clinton and subverting American democracy.

The indictments state clearly that the primary aim during the 2016 election was to support the candidacy of Donald J. Trump and hurt Hillary Clinton:

According to the indictments, the Russians conspired with "persons known and unknown" to the DC grand jury, and they targeted unwitting "members, volunteers and supporters" on the Trump campaign. What about the WITTING ONES? We dunno, this is not about that! Patience, children!

It also says they used unwitting US persons to collect intelligence on how best to fuck with our elections, such as focusing on "purple states like Colorado, Virginia and Florida." Apparently once the director of a "Texas-based grassroots organization" (probably the Texas Nationalist Movement) told them that, they were always talking about screwing the purple states.

Let's look at some screengrabs to get into some DIRTY RUSSIAN DETAILS about what they did to us!

This one tells us about the extent of the Russian interference when it came to creating fake Facebook pages, riling up people on all sides of all kinds of hot-button issues, to sow division:

They also set up shitloads of fake pro-Trump Twitter accounts, like @Ten_GOP, which was retweeted by esteemed Trump idiots Donald Trump Jr., Kellyanne Conway, Michael Flynn, Michael Flynn Jr., Roger Stone, and also every other Trump idiot that exists.

Bernie fans, you are not going to like this one:

If you're keeping score, Russia's election crushes were:

TOTAL BFFS: Trump and Bernie.

TOTALLY SUX: Hillary, Lyin' Ted and Little Marco.

It specifically goes on to say IRA employees were instructed IN A MEMO to "use any opportunity to criticize Hillary and the rest (except Sanders and Trump -- we support them)." Black print on white paper, y'all.

Jill Stein fans, you're not gonna like this one:

And remember the 2016 Democratic primary? Remember how it was #RIGGED? Well ...

But really, it wasn't personal. It was because Russia REALLY REALLY REALLY hated Hillary Clinton. Indeed, according to the indictments, the administrator of one of the fake Facebook groups, called "Secured Borders," got in big trouble mister one time for having a "low number of posts dedicated to criticizing Hillary Clinton."

This part is about #HASHTAGS:

LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! Isn't that what Michael "Misha" Flynn got all the Trump pig-nozzles to chant? How very Russian of them!

Here is a thing about all the online ads they bought. Some of them are ROFLMAO:

Were those written by BORAT? "You know! Many of the black people are to be agreeing that Hillary is one of the Satans! I say no to Hillary, who is one of the Satans, because I am the blacks!"

And oh dear Lord, they threw SO MANY FAKE RALLIES. Here is but one example:

If you want to read about all the fake rallies, including the parts where they paid actresses to dress up as Hillary Clinton and stand in cages, you'll have to read the full indictments. One interesting bit of information, though, is that once Trump was elected, they shifted and started doing rallies FOR Trump and also rallies AGAINST Trump. They had achieved goal numero uno, we guess, so it was time to go back to encouraging chaos and discord.

And that, folks, is all from COUNT ONE of the indictments. Count Two is Conspiracy To Commit Wire Fraud And Bank Fraud, and involves how they laundered all the money to pay for this shit. This also included some massive identity theft. And then are some more counts after that!

Again, READ THE WHOLE THING. It is your duty as a patriotic American.

Donald "Kompromat" Trump, president of the United States, was not even briefed on these indictments until this morning, and he may not have even heard about them then, since briefings are BOOOOOORING. Andrea Mitchell added on MSNBC that a number of NSC officials didn't get the briefing either, because pretty much nobody in the White House has a proper security clearance.

In Rod Rosenstein's press conference, he seemed to cover his ass a bit, emphasizing that no allegations in THESE INDICTMENTS indicate that any US person knew they were doing anything wrong, not in THESE INDICTMENTS. He also said there's no evidence in THESE INDICTMENTS that the election outcome was successfully altered, in THESE INDICTMENTS.

He did not comment on forthcoming indictments, because they are still a secret.

Oh hey, speaking of forthcoming indictments! Remember when we said no US persons were in big trouble today? We lied. This isn't part of the indictments above, but, it seems to be related to facilitating the Russians' identity theft:

How nice of him to help the Russians steal all the Americans' identities! Read the documents on that plea deal here.

IN CONCLUSION: Hey Donald Trump! Hey there, Mister President Man! What's that thing you always say? NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA?

Fuck you in the ass with a Russian nesting doll.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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