Mama said knock you out.

Uh oh, all hell is breaking loose in Washington DC, because Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein has just announced indictments out of special counsel Robert Mueller's DC grand jury, and it appears MOST RUSSIANS WHO EVER LIVED are going to jail. OK, maybe we are exaggerating. Catherine The Great is not going to jail. That dumb Russian skater with the dumb face in the Olympics right now is not going to jail, even though he probably should, for having a dumb face.


Named in the indictments is the Internet Research Agency, the "troll farm" we've written about many times that operated out of St. Petersburg and employed many Russians who worked daily online to screw with America, starting as far back as 2014. The organization was contracted by the Russian government under a campaign known as Project Lakhta. It employed hundreds of dedicated ratfuckers, had a budget "equivalent of millions of US dollars," bought fake Facebook ads WITH RUBLES, stole people's identities, created fake identities, created fake Facebook groups, organized fake rallies, left fake internet comments (“FOUR DED MURCANS HITLERY PIZZAGATE NOBUMMER NEVER!” probably) and generally aimed to sow discord all over the political spectrum. Some of the Russians even traveled to the United States and "set up computer infrastructure" in the US "to hide the Russian origin of their activities" and to hide from law enforcement.

Click here for a deep dive into what it was like to work inside the IRA, doing the thrilling work of shitting on Hillary Clinton and subverting American democracy.

The indictments state clearly that the primary aim during the 2016 election was to support the candidacy of Donald J. Trump and hurt Hillary Clinton:

According to the indictments, the Russians conspired with "persons known and unknown" to the DC grand jury, and they targeted unwitting "members, volunteers and supporters" on the Trump campaign. What about the WITTING ONES? We dunno, this is not about that! Patience, children!

It also says they used unwitting US persons to collect intelligence on how best to fuck with our elections, such as focusing on "purple states like Colorado, Virginia and Florida." Apparently once the director of a "Texas-based grassroots organization" (probably the Texas Nationalist Movement) told them that, they were always talking about screwing the purple states.

Let's look at some screengrabs to get into some DIRTY RUSSIAN DETAILS about what they did to us!

This one tells us about the extent of the Russian interference when it came to creating fake Facebook pages, riling up people on all sides of all kinds of hot-button issues, to sow division:

They also set up shitloads of fake pro-Trump Twitter accounts, like @Ten_GOP, which was retweeted by esteemed Trump idiots Donald Trump Jr., Kellyanne Conway, Michael Flynn, Michael Flynn Jr., Roger Stone, and also every other Trump idiot that exists.

Bernie fans, you are not going to like this one:

If you're keeping score, Russia's election crushes were:

TOTAL BFFS: Trump and Bernie.

TOTALLY SUX: Hillary, Lyin' Ted and Little Marco.

It specifically goes on to say IRA employees were instructed IN A MEMO to "use any opportunity to criticize Hillary and the rest (except Sanders and Trump -- we support them)." Black print on white paper, y'all.

Jill Stein fans, you're not gonna like this one:

And remember the 2016 Democratic primary? Remember how it was #RIGGED? Well ...

But really, it wasn't personal. It was because Russia REALLY REALLY REALLY hated Hillary Clinton. Indeed, according to the indictments, the administrator of one of the fake Facebook groups, called "Secured Borders," got in big trouble mister one time for having a "low number of posts dedicated to criticizing Hillary Clinton."

This part is about #HASHTAGS:

LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! Isn't that what Michael "Misha" Flynn got all the Trump pig-nozzles to chant? How very Russian of them!

Here is a thing about all the online ads they bought. Some of them are ROFLMAO:

Were those written by BORAT? "You know! Many of the black people are to be agreeing that Hillary is one of the Satans! I say no to Hillary, who is one of the Satans, because I am the blacks!"

And oh dear Lord, they threw SO MANY FAKE RALLIES. Here is but one example:

If you want to read about all the fake rallies, including the parts where they paid actresses to dress up as Hillary Clinton and stand in cages, you'll have to read the full indictments. One interesting bit of information, though, is that once Trump was elected, they shifted and started doing rallies FOR Trump and also rallies AGAINST Trump. They had achieved goal numero uno, we guess, so it was time to go back to encouraging chaos and discord.

And that, folks, is all from COUNT ONE of the indictments. Count Two is Conspiracy To Commit Wire Fraud And Bank Fraud, and involves how they laundered all the money to pay for this shit. This also included some massive identity theft. And then are some more counts after that!

Again, READ THE WHOLE THING. It is your duty as a patriotic American.

Donald "Kompromat" Trump, president of the United States, was not even briefed on these indictments until this morning, and he may not have even heard about them then, since briefings are BOOOOOORING. Andrea Mitchell added on MSNBC that a number of NSC officials didn't get the briefing either, because pretty much nobody in the White House has a proper security clearance.

In Rod Rosenstein's press conference, he seemed to cover his ass a bit, emphasizing that no allegations in THESE INDICTMENTS indicate that any US person knew they were doing anything wrong, not in THESE INDICTMENTS. He also said there's no evidence in THESE INDICTMENTS that the election outcome was successfully altered, in THESE INDICTMENTS.

He did not comment on forthcoming indictments, because they are still a secret.

Oh hey, speaking of forthcoming indictments! Remember when we said no US persons were in big trouble today? We lied. This isn't part of the indictments above, but, it seems to be related to facilitating the Russians' identity theft:

How nice of him to help the Russians steal all the Americans' identities! Read the documents on that plea deal here.

IN CONCLUSION: Hey Donald Trump! Hey there, Mister President Man! What's that thing you always say? NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA?

Fuck you in the ass with a Russian nesting doll.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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