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Huh! Big news of some sort is about to happen, because Special Counsel Robert Mueller is about to make a "statement" about the "Russia investigation" or maybe possibly his "hottest looks for summer." The news says it is a "substantial" statement, and that it will take eight whole minutes to say! At first people were speculating that maybe it was because Michael Wolff wrote another truth-y book that claimed Mueller had readied an indictment against Donald Trump, but then withdrew it, and maybe Mueller wanted to say FAKE NEWS! But the news says it's not that.

Maybe he will officially say he is quitting Justice Department, since he has technically still been an employee this whole time. Maybe he will do a big statement on what a big fucking liar Attorney General Bill Barr is, and officially announce that he and his wife are switching to a different Sunday School class that doesn't have stinky fucking Bill Barr in it.

But, you know, probably not.

Ooh, maybe he is announcing that he is the 395th person who would like to run for president as a Democrat! Except for how he is a Republican. WOMP WOMP.

No matter what, we hope he very loudly says that everything Barr and Trump have been saying about NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION is absolute bullshit, and that he's sick and fucking tired of them lying so much every day. Maybe he could hold a banner that says DOES NOT EXONERATE. But he probably won't do that either. Hey, maybe literally nothing will happen and we aren't going to get anything fun from him until or unless Congress manages to get him to testify in public, something he is apparently reluctant to do.

Regardless, he will not be taking questions and he will not be signing autographs, because he is Robert Mueller and he does what he wants.


Let's watch it!

Watch LIVE - Special counsel Robert Mueller to make statement at 11 a.m. ET | ABC News www.youtube.com

11:01: Holy shit, it is Robert Mueller! In the flesh!

He says he is here because today is the today they are "formally closing" the special counsel's office and he is quitting this shit.

Says he wants his written work to speak for itself.

11:03: Mueller is explaining the general parameters of the Russian influence operations to hurt Hillary Clinton and help Donald Trump in the 2016 election, and the indictments his office made, and also his office's investigation into Trump's obstruction of justice. He has not said anything that is just WHOA IF TRUE yet, but we don't expect he's going to anyway, so WHATEVER.

11:05: Mueller reiterates that in Volume 1 of his report, he found "insufficient evidence" of a charge-able conspiracy between the Trump campaign and Russia. That is very different from NO COLLUSION.

Mueller reiterates that if they had evidence Trump did not commit an obstruction of justice crime, he would have said so. He was not able to say that.

Now he is reaffirming his commitment to the (very stupid) Department of Justice policy against indicting a sitting president. He is a Marine and a company man, this is not unexpected.

11:07: "We will not comment on any other conclusions or hypotheticals about the president." Oh, Bobby, call Trump a dumb dick. It'll feel good!

11:08: Robert Mueller really does not want to testify before Congress. UGH, Jesus Christ. Says anything he had to say wouldn't go beyond the report. What were we just saying about him being a company man? MUELLER, THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS WE STILL HAVE, JESUS CHRIST.

11:10: Mueller concludes (yes, already) by saying he wanted to reiterate the central finding of his investigation, which is that there were "multiple systematic efforts to interfere in our election. That allegation deserves the attention of every American."

Yes, it does! And ...

OH GODDAMMIT, BOB MUELLER, YOU COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS OUT IN A LETTER, FUCK.

11:13: Anyway, it is over now. Bob Mueller didn't tell us anything new, but reaffirmed that DOES NOT EXONERATE, and furthermore re-confirmed that Russia committed sweeping crimes to help Trump and hurt Hillary Clinton. Also said that underlying counter-intel stuff from his investigation is essentially out of his hands now, which we guess means it is in Bill Barr's hands, so that's probably fine.

UGH.

Anyway, nice press conference, everyone!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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