Robert Mueller Just Saying Michael Flynn Sold ALL Y'ALL F*CKERS OUT, OH MY LORD

Were you disappointed after waiting all day and night for Robert Mueller's sentencing memo on Michael Flynn, only to find out that it was just a few pages long and most of it was redacted? Did you read it and think it wasn't a big deal? Well LET US TELL YOU that you are Wrong Dot Com, because this document is pretty fuckin' great.

The first thing you should know is that Michael Flynn has cooperated SO BIGLY and given up the dirt on SO MANY FOOLS that Mueller is recommending no prison time for Flynn. Over the course of his cooperation he met 19 times with investigators from Mueller's office and investigators from other departments in the DOJ, because he helped not only with the special counsel's investigation, but also assisted in (we think!) two other criminal investigations. (That's right, two other investigations! More on that in a sec.)

The memo makes clear that Flynn's crimes that he copped to are serious. He lied about his multiple contacts with the Russian ambassador, which were about the incoming Trump administration lifting the sanctions the Obama administration had just imposed in retaliation for election interference. He lied about his contacts with Russia about a UN Security Council resolution regarding Israeli settlements in Palestinian territory. And he lied in his disclosure forms about his foreign agent work on behalf of Turkey, work he was doing during the campaign.

But the memo also makes clear that, for a number of reasons, Flynn has earned the right to be treated a bit differently here. For one thing, it states that the "defendant's record of military and public service distinguish him from every other person who has been charged as part of the SCO's investigation." That is Mueller-speak for "Michael Flynn is not quite like all these other motherfucker Trumpass thugass shitrocket piss stain common criminals." (Mueller does note, though, that because of his career, Flynn of all people shoulda known better.) It adds that Flynn "accept[ed] responsibility in a timely fashion," and notes that he is unique in this investigation, in that he is one of the only people positioned in such a way as to have "long-term and firsthand insight" into all the issues on Robert Mueller's plate.

In short, he cooperated early and often, first to flip gets the sweetest deal, and holy shit he fuckin' sold EVERYBODY OUT. Even if he didn't know everything, he clearly gave Mueller the right names and phone numbers of who to call to get the whole story. (As opposed to Paul Manafort, for example, who is such a fucking dick that literally nobody cares if he dies in jail and they bury him under it.)

Mueller also notes that this document -- the unredacted version the sentencing judge gets to see -- is not exhaustive, but rather just enough to give the judge an idea of how helpful Flynn has been.

Let's look at how much he helped:

How did Flynn help with the Russia investigation?

Here, we see that Flynn's help with the SCO investigation involves way more than his dalliances with the Russians during the Trump transition about lifting sanctions:

See how Mueller listed more specific areas of inquiry behind that black ink? Wonder what's back there, and in the sections below that explain those areas of inquiry behind one million lines of black ink?

Did Flynn know about the Russian hacking operation to steal #ButHerEmails and launder them through WikiLeaks, to influence the election? Were his negotiations with the Russians over sanctions related to a larger quid pro quo where Russia helped Trump steal the election in exchange for everything Russia ever wanted all tied up in a bow? Did Flynn know about the Facebook influence operation? Dunno!

But whatever is behind that black ink -- and it's a lot -- is the good shit. And Flynn helped a lot!

What did Flynn help with, aside from the Russia investigation?

Read that carefully, because it says Flynn helped with "several" investigations: the special counsel's investigation ("SCO") and two other things. In doing so, he did all these interviews, he gave up documents and communications, and he ... REDACTED! Testified for the grand jury? Some kind of prosecutor-speak for "wore a wire"? Seduced Junior and made him cry? We dunno! But he did something significant enough that it's REDACTED.

But what are those other investigations? We have a few guesses. First of all, remember that they're presumably things outside SCO's investigation, which includes all Russian interference and Trump campaign NO COLLUSION, as well as any matters that "arose or may arise directly" from his investigation, as per Rod Rosenstein's letter laying out Mueller's mandate. Our gut feeling goes to the "Marshall Plan" to "recolonize the Middle East" that Flynn was involved in, to basically steal the Middle East's resources and divide the spoils between Russia and a bunch of American oligarchs. Go back and read this piece we wrote one hundred years ago, about a plan Flynn was working before the election with his Russian buddies, to build "proliferation-proof" nuclear reactors all over the Middle East and give the spare uranium to Russia.

Yes, uranium to Russia.


During the inauguration -- seriously, literally during Trump's creepy ass inaugural address -- Flynn and his buddies (bookmark the name "Alex Copson" in your brain) were texting each other saying "KA-CHING!" because the plan they had been working for so long was about to come to fruition, because Trump was inexplicably becoming president of the United States. According to a whistleblower who sent a letter to House Oversight Committee ranking member (soon to be chairman!) Elijah Cummings, Flynn's work to "rip up" the Russian sanctions was integral to these plans becoming reality and everybody becoming RIIIIIIIICCCCCCHHHHHHHH$!11111!!!11BENGHAZI!!!1!

So part of it could be about that. Maybe Blackwater Aryan sadist Erik Prince is under investigation by the FBI, because his mercenary oligarch work has focused on stealing the same parts of planet earth as Flynn's work, and maybe Flynn was somehow able to help with that, because they are related.

Something about Flynn's foreign agent work with Turkey? An outside investigation into Cambridge Analytica, because Flynn partnered with its parent company for a hot minute before the election, perhaps related to work it did separate from the Trump campaign? We just don't know, but whatever it is, these investigations are ongoing, and Flynn's help with them has been so valuable that Mueller is recommending no orange jumpsuits for Michael Flynn.

This passage from the memo will help you understand more about at least one of the separate investigations Flynn is helping with:

All clear now?

In conclusion!

We are sorry you don't get names and dates and times and places and LOCK HER UP just yet. That's not how these things work. But the sentencing judge gets that! LOL, don't you wish you were the sentencing judge right now?

As far as why Flynn is being sentenced right now if his cooperation is ongoing, there are a couple of possibilities. For one thing, Flynn got to plead guilty to one little bitty thing in exchange for his ongoing cooperation, and he has clearly been holding up his end of the bargain, unlike a common Paul Fucking Manafort. It's likely that, were Flynn to quit playing ball, Mueller could hit him with other charges, and that Flynn knows that:

Also remember Flynn's son, Pizzagate Dipshit Flynn Jr., who was his dad's Number Two in his Russian/Turkish foreign agent work, and who also was a prime purveyor of the aforementioned Pizzagate conspiracy theory, which the FBI has been investigating as a Russian influence operation for quite a long time. Mueller has been investigating Pizzagate Jr., and has reportedly had enough on both him and Daddy to bring charges for over a year now, so it's entirely possible Flynn's very good cooperation up to this point, and in the future, are keeping the young fuckface safe, and that if Daddy welches on the deal, the young fuckface could end up in prison.

(He would not do well there. Whereas his dad is kind of dashing and distinguished, fuckface looks kind of inbred and would probably end up in the stupidest Pennsatucky prison gang, the one that all the other prison gangs make fun of and steal their commissary.)

Hey, let's check in with fuckface:

Fuckface should be thanking his dad and Robert Mueller. God didn't do jackshit for him.

Let's close with a drunk text from Rudy Giuliani reacting to the Flynn filing, because why not:

Cool story, bro, that was just a very good statement from a very smart lawyer who speaks very good English.

So that's what the Flynn sentencing memo tells us! It is a very good memo.

In conclusion, God bless us everyone, we wish you a merry Christmas, tip your bartenders (by clicking below), and oh yeah, LOCK HER UP!

Michael Flynn leads 'lock her up' chant at 2016

[Michael Flynn sentencing memo]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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