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The other day, lawyers for disgraced literal actual foreign agent/former national security advisor (for five minutes) Michael Flynn filed their sentencing memorandum, which argued that yes, Michael Flynn is guilty and yes, he told BIG WHOPPERS to the FBI. He admits it! He agrees! YOU HEAR THAT, DONALD TRUMP? HE ADMITS HE LIED.

But there was another section of the memorandum that made us roll our eyes and say "OH GIMME A BREAK" and other disrespectful things like that, and it was the part where Flynn, through his lawyers, argued that it was UNFAIR how PETER STRZOK and ANDREW MCCABE asked him QUESTIONS and didn't even TELL HIM he wasn't 'POSED TO LIE TO FBI AGENTS. Like come on, you guys. Can't you help a buddy out, by reminding him that lying to the FBI is a crime? It's not like Michael Flynn -- former director of national intelligence, and a longtime general who's had a security clearance pretty much since he was in Pampers -- had any access to that information before. Those assholes set him up!

You guys, Robert Mueller's office has responded. They seem to be simultaneously #NotAmused and also LOL ROFLMAO HAHAHAHAHAHA by Flynn's argument.


If you can't read that, we have trasncribed it, because WORTH IT:

"A sitting National Security Advisor, former head of an intelligence agency, retired lieutenant general, and 33-year veteran of the armed forces knows he should not lie to federal agents. He does not need to be warned it is a crime to lie to federal agents to know the importance of telling them the truth. The defendant undoubtedly was aware, in light of his "many years" working with the FBI, that lying to the FBI carries serious consequences. [...] He ... was a senior national security official with extensive federal government experience, had led an intelligence agency, had worked with the FBI, and was steeped in the importance of accurate information to decision making in areas of national security."

Or in more proper legal terms, THAT ASSCLOWN KNEW BETTER.

Robert Mueller should not have to hold Michael Flynn's scaly, probably traitorous hand through all this. We know Flynn absolutely lost his marbles after Barack Obama fired him and may be on his way to getting a disorder named after him in the DSM-5 -- because really, a decorated general and director of national intelligence turned #TeamTreason and started literally believing in things like #PizzaGate just because his feelings were hurt over the black Democratic president firing him? Fucking hell, dude -- but Jesus Christ, this is not complicated.

Mueller's filing notes that there was nothing about Flynn's FBI interview on January 24, 2017, that made him lie to the FBI, and further notes that Flynn didn't just lie to FBI agents, he lied to the media, he lied to Mike Pence, and he lied to people on the Trump transition team like Reince Priebus and Sean Spicer. L-I-E-D. It further says he was "committed to his false story" about how in all his sub rosa conversations with the Russian ambassador, he DID NOT EITHER talk about how Russia shouldn't worry about all those yucky Obama sanctions, because Trump would snap his tiny fingers and make them go away.

Indeed, he had told the lie so many times by the time the FBI talked to him, it was probably second nature to him, like taking a shower, making weird-looking sons with his sperm, or committing treason. (ALLEGEDLY.)

Why did he lie? We dunno. (Maybe something to do with this, and also other Trump-related crimes?) But he did lie! He was trying to hide what he was doing hard.

Mueller's filing further recounts the details of the interview with Flynn, both consequential and mundane. Flynn was "relaxed and jocular" throughout the interview, taking the agents on a tour of his HAWT new digs in the White House and shooting the shit with them about how good Trump is at interior design. (If you have seen pictures of every Trump property in existence, you realize this was Flynn's first lie to the FBI.) Flynn knew what the interview would be about beforehand, because the agents told him before they came to the White House. Once there, they "gave the defendant multiple opportunities to correct his false statements by revisiting key questions. When the defendant said he did not remember something they knew he said, they used the exact words the defendant had used," to perhaps jog Flynn's lying memory.

Donald Trump has been yammering his shitmouth off about how the FBI didn't think Flynn had lied to them, insinuating that somehow Robert Mueller's team "decided" to falsely accuse Flynn of lying after the fact. Trump is, of course, full of shit. Mueller notes that the fact the agents thought Flynn was telling the truth -- because he did not show "indicia of deception," perhaps because he was SO WELL-VERSED IN HIS LIES -- does not change the fact that Flynn lied.

Which he admitted.

So yeah, Michael Flynn, take your whining about "the bitch set me up!" and hurl it down into the (nonexistent) underground sex dungeon of the pizza parlor where you literally believe Hillary Clinton is running an underage child prostitution ring.

Barring that, shove it up your ass.

Love,

Robert Mueller

[Mueller filing]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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