​Robert Mueller Testimony Maybe Delayed Because Oh My God Democrats, Get Your Sh*t Together

News came across the Twitter this morning that Robert Mueller's scheduled July 17 testimony before the House Judiciary and Intelligence committees was being delayed until July 24, and we immediately were ready to TELL ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR TO GO FUCK HIMSELF BECAUSE EVERY DAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR THAT. Why? Because Barr obviously is terrified of Mueller testifying, just like Donald Trump is terrified of Mueller testifying, and Barr just this very week started doing his level best to give Mueller an out, since we all know that being a part of a big public spectacle is really not Bob Mueller's thing.

But no, that is not the hold-up. And Mueller's testimony might not even be delayed!

Politico was the first to report that something is happening with Mueller's testimony, and that the "something" is that Democrats on the two committees are arguing over who gets to question Mueller for how long and oh my god Democrats, do please get your shit together:

The House Judiciary and Intelligence committees have been negotiating to give lawmakers more time to question the former special counsel. Under the tentative agreement, which was described to POLITICO by lawmakers briefed on the talks, the Judiciary Committee would be granted an extra hour to question Mueller.

That concern was particularly acute for the 41-member Judiciary Committee. As initially planned, each committee would have had just two hours to question Mueller, and more junior lawmakers on the Judiciary panel — including all of its freshman members — would have been shut out.

Politico adds that Judiciary Committee ranking member Doug Collins (R-Hee Haw) has been hollerin' about how the original schedule was "disenfranchisin' everyone," and oh my god we do not care what Republicans are bellyaching about today.

We do understand that Democrats -- especially newer members -- are worried that with limited time, not everybody will get to ask Robert Mueller questions. And we want them to know that we hear them and we see them and we love them, and also that we don't care.

Here's the thing: We don't actually give a fuck if each and every member of the House Judiciary and Intelligence Committees gets to ask Mueller questions, because we have seen a congressional hearing before. Many congressmen and senators, despite all their other good qualities, really aren't that great at it, and the five-minute stop-start format means a lot of things get left hanging, questions remain unanswered, and SOME PEOPLE, not naming names, let their egos get in the way and spend more time grandstanding than they spend actually accomplishing anything with the witness. For example, we can guarantee you that every single Republican who gets to question Mueller will hoot and moan and play GOT YER NOSE! with Mueller, they will land exactly zero blows on his credibility, and it will be an absolute fuckshow. That's fine, no patriotic American expects anything from them. But there are also Democrats who, despite the fact that they want to be productive, will not accomplish much in the way of fuckall during their allotted time either.

So quite frankly, we'd be fine with it if members would yield their time to lawyers and/or investigators for the House Intelligence/Judiciary committees -- hiiiiiiiiiiii Daniel Goldman, do you want to go steady? Check Y or N! Hearts! -- thus empowering those professionals to thoroughly question the witness. This isn't a reality show, this is fucking Watergate on steroids. Let's act like it.

We would also note that the House goes on August recess approximately five minutes after July 24, which means if Mueller's testimony goes off like a nuclear bomb -- and we think it very well might, for reasons we've laid out previously! -- then it goes off like a bomb in a Washington that's already half-evacuated. We'd much rather Trump and his minions have to deal with a solid week after the testimony in a Washington media and political landscape that hasn't already flown home to play video games and whack off.

But maybe it's still happening next week and all of this is just some folderol!

In a sign of the tentative nature of the talks with Mueller, a Judiciary Committee spokesman emphasized that the initial July 17 hearing is still on the books.

"At this moment we still plan to have our hearing on the 17th and we will let you know if that changes," the spokesman said.

Great. Let us know. We'll just be over here watching democracy die.

Seriously, Dems, we love you. We support you. We defend you, especially to people who don't always understand the ins and outs of congressional processes and judicial precedent and political strategies -- in other words, the facts on the ground that make you do the things you do that nonetheless aggravate the fucking holy shit out of people.

But this is dumb, figure it out.

Letterkenny - Figure It Out www.youtube.com

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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