UPDATE: Wonkette publishes this at 10:30 AM ET. Fucking Axios posts this on Twitter at 10:38 AM ET:

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Axios reports that Rosenstein has "verbally resigned to Chief of Staff John Kelly in anticipation of being fired by President Trump," because thanks for all your very important reporting, New York Times's Michael Schmidt!

MSNBC's Pete Williams is reporting, however, that Axios is full of shit and that Rosenstein has been summoned to the White House and is expected not to resign willingly, but force them to fire him. Who is right? We just don't know yet! If Rod Rosenstein plays chicken on this, does Trump have the balls to fire him? UNCLEAR!

Donald Trump, of course, is not even at the White House, as he is fucking up American foreign policy at the United Nations in New York right now. And that is what we know at this point!

UPDATE #2: OK, we think we are starting to figure out some of the confusion here, as Bloomberg seems to be confirming Axios's reporting but others are hearing differently. Pete Williams is on the MSNBC again explaining that those who say Rosenstein has resigned are in the White House, which says it has invited Rosenstein over for a nice morning resignation session. However, the source/s he's talked to in the JUSTICE DEPARTMENT say fuck that, he's going to the White House, but if they ask for his resignation, he's going to say they have to fire him.

Stay tuned!

Oh, and by the way, if you are wondering if this is your TAKE TO THE STREETS moment, fuck yes it is. Remember, the plan, which is that if it officially happens before 2 PM in your local time, you take to the streets at 5 PM. If it's after 2 PM, it's noon the next day. Click here for details and watch that website.

UPDATE #3: In case you are wondering about line of succession issues, first of all, it matters whether Rosenstein is fired or resigns, according to the Vacancies Act. However, according to special counsel regulations, the assumption right now is that Solicitor General Noel Francisco would oversee the Russia investigation. Click here for a NYT story about what the NYT has wrought.

Also, there's one little problem with Noel Francisco taking over:

UPDATE #4: We are just saying:

We still don't know what exactly is going on at the White House yet. Now Pete Williams says it's possible he could leave with his job intact! Regardless, please thank your local New York Times for this lovely Monday.

UPDATE #5: OH COME THE FUCK ON.

We now return to your originally scheduled post about everything that's happened since that bullshit NYT article came out on Friday.

Your originally scheduled post!

Good morning! This week has exhausted us, and oh boy, we are just glad it's already Friday so we can fuck right on off out of here! (In four days. At which point we will be dead. RIP ourselves!)

While the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation is falling apart, even though Mitch McConnell and the Senate Judicary penis-havers are trying to "plow through" it like a common blacked out Brett Kavanaugh at a frat party (allegedly), there is another story we neeed to update, and it is the fallout from what happened when the New York Times's Michael Schmidt and Adam Goldman copy/pasted first and decided to ask questions later on a story about Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein allegedly VERY SERIOUSLY talking about doing "wire tapps" to Donald Trump, and also VERY SERIOUSLY trying to put together a group to remove Trump from office via the 25th Amendment.

In the immediate aftermath of the late Friday turd drop, pundits and talking heads took thinly veiled slaps at the New York Times on the MSNBC, at least while NYT reporter Michael Schmidt was in the studio, and then talked openly about how Schmidt missed a bit of nuance in his reporting once he was gone. Rachel Maddow was pissed that night, to the point that she framed the story as what the NYT "decided to do," at the end of a week where Trump was finally, seemingly, talked off the ledge about declassifying documents on the investigation into Carter Page (actual Russian intelligence asset who is a fucking idiot) by ... Rod Rosenstein, who has reportedly had a better relationship with Trump lately. Rosenstein had apparently been able to convince Trump that such blanket declassification would seriously endanger our national security, to the point that Trump folded.

In response to the story, idiot Republicans in Congress like Mark Meadows have decided they want to haul Rosenstein in front of their committees, so they can yell at him a whole bunch and throw poo at him. Other idiot Republicans in Congress like Devin Nunes say Trump should again reverse course and declassify all that stuff immediately, because Devin Nunes cares about a lot of things (like obstructing justice for Donald Trump and fucking cows ALLEGEDLY) but he sure doesn't care about national security.

Friday evening, Rod Rosenstein got paged to the White House to talk to John Kelly about his alleged sins. After explaining (correctly, we believe) that the New York Times is an idiot, Kelly encouraged him to more specifically deny the stuff from NYT's report. So Rosenstein's new statement said no, he never tried to Wire Tapp the president and no, he did not try to 25A the president. He did not deny that he might have said those things when he was KIDDING, MICHAEL SCHMIDT, KIDDING, IT IS THIS THING WHERE SOMEBODY SAYS SOMETHING AND THEY ARE NOT BEING 100% SERIOUS, YOU SHOULD GOOGLE IT.

And then there was Fox News.

Trump engaged with his REAL cabinet Friday night and this weekend, by watching Fox News and dutifully taking instructions.

Actual White House counsel Jeanine Pirro and actual Defense Secretary Laura Ingraham screamed at the camera Friday that Rosenstein should be fired RIGHT FUCKING NOW, but were undermined later in the night by actual Chief of Staff Sean Hannity, who calmly explained to the president that this was all a Deep State plot to trick Trump into firing Rod Rosenstein, because THAT'S HOW THEY GITCHA, we guess. Later on that night SecDef Ingraham deleted her tweets about Trump firing Rosenstein, we guess because CoS Hannity told her about Deep State and she was like "GAH I'm an idiot, how didn't I figure out the thing about how this is Deep State??????"

By Saturday, the story had metastasized inside Pirro's brain and she was just Just Wondering something else:

DUN DUN DUN!

Excuse us, we meant to type DURR DURR DURR!

(That is the sound of "bombshells" in the Fox News building.)

According to WaPo, Trump has been most convinced by Hannity, which is usually an awful thing, but let's not question it this time because somehow Hannity is being helpful for the first time in his entire life, and no, we don't know how to feel about that either.

Meanwhile, back at the adult daycare ...

Trump been polling everybody, asking do you think he is being "baited" by the Deep State like Hannity says, or do you think Rod Rosenstein actually suggested he was possibly unfit for office, during that week of his presidency when he fired an FBI director to obstruct justice in the Russia investigation, and then the very next day spilled highly classified intel from the Israelis all over Russian officials in the Oval Office. (You know, because we're supposed to think it's SO CRAZY that Rosenstein would mention the 25th Amendment or doing wire tapps to the president, whether in jest, or whether, as Michael Schmidt reports, because Rosenstein was such a hysterical "emotional" crybaby at the time.)

Some Trump advisers and allies have recommended that Trump LOCK HER UP, or at least fire Rosenstein, whereas others have said perhaps this is the failing New York Times doing fake news because THAT'S HOW THEY GITCHA, we guess.

Also complicating the story is that it seems to be sourced on a third-hand reading of memos from fired former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe, which probably don't even feature emojis so Michael Schmidt couldn't tell whether Rosenstein was joshing or saying a serious. You see, Trump hates McCabe, so it stands to reason Trump would be paranoid that McCabe might have planted this story THAT'S HOW THEY GITCHA him into doing a dumb. Also, just in general, Trump is not that inclined to believe what McCabe says. What's a dumbass barely sentient president from hell supposed to do in such a hairy Yeti Pube situation?!

"McCabe complicates it," [a Trump ally] said. "He doesn't trust McCabe and thinks McCabe is maybe playing a game with memos — maybe because of his book deal, maybe trying to take down [Trump]. So, he's staying cool, for now."

Reportedly, Trump hasn't even been that mad about the Rosenstein thing, because he's been busy being very mad about all the Brett Kavanaugh stuff, and the president's very good brain isn't big enough to focus on more than one thing at the same time.

RELAX, Republicans! Trump isn't going to do anything bugfuck nuts right now before the midterms. After that, though ...

Lindsey Graham had words on the Fox News this weekend:

"He shouldn't fire Rosenstein unless you believe Rosenstein's lying. He says he did not do the things alleged," said Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C. on "Fox News Sunday."

Fair.

Go on:

"But there's a bureaucratic coup against President Trump being discovered here. Before the election, the people in question tried to taint the election, tip it to (Hillary) Clinton's favor. After the election they're trying to undermine the president."

That's right, Lindsey Graham, they all tried to tip it in Hillary Clinton's favor, by failing to disclose that Trump's campaign was under investigation, while FBI Director James Comey sent a letter 11 DAYS BEFORE THE ELECTION to say the FBI was looking at HER EMAILS again, which arguably tipped the election in Trump's favor.

Did they bury your brain in John McCain's coffin, Senator Graham, or is this just how you are without adult supervision?

Meanwhile, Republicans in Congress have been worried Trump will do something that will make the midterms even worse for the GOP, so the White House has been doing reacharounds to Congress telling them to relax, and that Trump isn't about to do anything irrational. Maybe the RESISTANCE in the White House has pulled the folder marked "Dumb Irrational Shit Preznit Wanna Do Right Now" off Trump's desk and replaced it with Big Macs wrapped in porn sex pictures. The White House has also reportedly been telling the wingnut media not to "provoke" Trump, because that is a thing they have to do in 2018 with the man who is currently president of the United States.

Michael Schmidt is still confused, bless his heart.

He's still out there defending his reporting! We guess this is the trouble with being Maggie Haberman's apprentice. You learn how to report like a common Haberman, and then you Haber-splain like a common Haberman when your reporting is exposed as crap.

Dude was on "Morning Joe" this morning, doubling down on his reporting in his trademark humorless monotone, and we'd find you a video of it, but fuck it, ain't nobody interested.

Update you on this story next time it gets stupider!

[Washington Post / AP]

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