We have officially reached the point in this simulation where our absolute caricature of a corrupt president has commuted the prison sentence of his buddy, the actual personification of a cartoon villain.

And I would just like to say to the demon in charge that WE FUCKING SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, MICHAEL.

Late last night, the White House made a shocking statement that surprised absolutely no one: Trump had ensured that his best crime-buddy, Roger Stone, would not be going to prison for his crimes.


As you may remember, Stone was convicted of witness tampering, lying to Congress, and obstruction of justice — and not, despite appearances, framing Roger Rabbit. Judge Amy Berman Jackson sentenced Stone to 40 months in prison for his various felonies.

The White House announced the commutation in a lie-ridden statement from Blowhard Barbie that is so incoherent and full of bad grammar that it almost reads like something Trump could have actually written, himself. (That is, until you notice the lack of RANDOM Capitalization and use of words like "overzealous" and "egregious," which Trump absolutely doesn't know and definitely couldn't spell.)

Trump doesn't even attempt to claim Stone's innocence but instead rants about Robert Mueller, "witch hunts," and "collusion delusion." It laments the fact that "Roger Stone has already suffered greatly" — we guess because it was just SO HARD for him to stop threatening federal judges on Instagram — and says "[h]e was treated very unfairly, as were many others in this case." The identity of the "many others" are who were harmed by Stone being tried for all of his crimes remains unclear.

Lest there be any question over why Trump was stepping in to give Stone a get out of jail free card, the statement announcing the commutation makes it quite clear.

Roger Stone is a victim of the Russia Hoax that the Left and its allies in the media perpetuated for years in an attempt to undermine the Trump Presidency.

It also breaks out old favorites, like

There was never any collusion between the Trump Campaign, or the Trump Administration, with Russia.

The statement notes that Stone

has appealed his conviction and is seeking a new trial. He maintains his innocence and has stated that he expects to be fully exonerated by the justice system. Mr. Stone, like every American, deserves a fair trial and every opportunity to vindicate himself before the courts.

And says

The President does not wish to interfere with his efforts to do so.

A commutation reduces or eliminates a prison sentence but doesn't remove the underlying criminal conviction, so it's true that Stone can continue his appeal despite Trump's commutation. Trump's Department of Justice is now in the position of continuing to defend Stone's conviction — even while the president attacks his own federal prosecutors. It's possible that the DC Circuit could hold arguments in Stone's appeal before the election, though getting a decision before November 3 is incredibly unlikely.

A full pardon could still eventually be coming Stone's way. The commutation means he doesn't have to serve his prison sentence, but if the DC Circuit were to order a new trial for Trump's comrade for some bizarre reason (and hey, it's happened before!), we could end up in a situation where Trump has to decide before leaving office whether to issue a blanket pardon to his BFF.

Trump's statement about commuting Stone ends with a super professional and definitely very presidential celebration:

Roger Stone is now a free man!

Stone's commutation was a long time coming. He has been begging Trump for months to keep him out of prison and was finally set to report to a federal corrections facility next week.

And of fucking course this week's Friday night news dump included the Stone commutation. Trump has been VERY BIG MAD this week, after even his handpicked stooges on the Supreme Court wouldn't tell Congress and prosecutors to stop being so mean to him. And when Trump is mad, he likes to do corruption. So here we are.

Obviously, Democrats and people who aren't big fans of cronyism were less than pleased at this development.

And Mittens continued his streak as the only elected Republican willing to stand up to the mafia boss-in-chief.

Though we're sure that, somewhere in Maine, Susan Collins is feeling concerned.

This is undoubtedly not the end of Trump using the pardon power to his own benefit. If Biden wins in November, it's time to start the pools on which date Trump announces full pardons for himself and everyone else who has helped him crime throughout the years.

Yay America!

donald trump GIF Giphy


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Jamie Lynn Crofts
Jamie Lynn Crofts is sick of your bullshit. When she’s not wrangling cats, she’s probably writing about nerdy legal stuff, rocking out at karaoke, or tweeting about god knows what. Jamie would kindly like to remind everyone that it’s perfectly legal to tell Bob Murray to eat shit.
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