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Was today the stupidest day? Sure why not. (FACTCHECK: All of the days while Donald Trump is president are stupid.)

Roger Stone went to court today to see if federal district Judge Amy Berman Jackson, who is handling his case, might like to revoke his bail agreement and throw his ass in jail, or maybe just stick a big ball gag in his mouth, we mean ISSUE A FULL GAG ORDER, after he thought it'd be REAL CLEVER to post a picture of the judge on Instagram next to what certainly appeared to be crosshairs, you know, because none of his batshit followers would ever take something like THAT the wrong way, would they? PSHAW.

Of course, Roger Stone is very sorry for all this and he'd like to plead guilty to being Roger Stone, argue that he has no other choice in life but to be Roger Stone (it is his eternal curse), and beg the judge for her forgiveness. Also please do not do a full gag order to Roger Stone, because if he's gagged, he will be unable to make dollars and will become poor!

Perhaps he could bring Amy Berman Jackson over to his side and she'd see the hilarity in all this? (NARRATOR: She did not.)

VERDICT: BALL GAG! But no jail :(


Let's set the scene for how this all went down:

Yep, that is a thing that is happened today in the American criminal justice system.

media2.giphy.com

It all went to hell when Roger Stone decided to take the stand, because his lawyers let him do that, even though Roger Stone is an unhinged crazyass fool and this would mean he was subject to questioning from the judge and cross examination by Robert Mueller's prosecutors. We will leave to Legal Twitter the question of whether this should be grounds for immediate disbarment.

Vox reporter Andrew Prokop was at the hearing and he live-tweeted the whole entire shitshow. We will do that little thing Wonkette does, and just throw his tweets at your face, augmenting them with dick jokes wherever the Wonkette Legal Department deems them appropriate.

Awwww poor Roger Stone, just kicking himself for bein' so dumb just this one little time in his whole life. Would Judge Berman Jackson like to see Roger Stone's Nixon tattoo on his back? No? OK, well, he'll go back to feeling very poorly and emotionally and financially stressed.

(By the by, during the hearing, Berman Jackson read from Stone's financial filings, which say he makes $47,000 per month as a "political consultant" for his own company. That sounds VERY financial stress. Except for how we bet his legal fees are pretty fucking astronomical too. Oh well, guess who cares? Not us!)

Anyway, Roger Stone has never seen that crosshairs picture in his life, and again he is sorry.

Oh yes, the "notice of apology"! It was VERY STUPID. In it, Stone said the picture was "improper" and also "impropriety," and he should never have posted it.

We are glad, though, that they cleared up whether Stone posted a crosshairs or if it was a Celtic cross (which can either mean white supremacy or, in more harmless circumstances, suggest that Enya is nearby) or maybe it was FOR DEVIL. We wouldn't want Judge Berman Jackson to jail Roger Stone today for Inappropriate Invocation of Enya.

Oh wait, Roger Stone would like to amend the part of the apology statement where it said "improper."

He was blindfolded when he posted it! He had recently been assassinated by the CIA! But don't worry he got better!

Anyway, is Roger Stone going to do it again? Maaaaaaaaaybe. Just kidding, your honor, certainly not!

All right, good deal. Roger Stone has learned his lesson and will never commit this particular crime again, he promises to God with his fingers crossed inside his butt! (Actually violently threatening people is sort of a pattern for Stone. Oh hey, remember that time he tampered with witnesses in Robert Mueller's investigation by threatening to kill Randy Credico and steal his dog? You should, because it's THE CURRENT CASE HE'S BEING TRIED FOR.)

After that, it was time for the Mueller prosecutors and the DC prosecutors to take over and say hey, let's do a real gag order to this asshole, one that REALLY forces him to shut all the bodily openings that protrude from the jowls of his misshapen head. And for good measure, they pointed out that whatever Stone said today was almost certainly 100,000 percent bullshit.

After that, an exchange between Stone's lawyer and the judge that made us literally LOLOLOLOL:

BRUCE ROGOW: Maybe if you and I sit down with Roger and have a little talk with ...

AMY BERMAN JACKSON: If I talk to him, I'm gonna be talking this gavel right up his ass!

Like we said, we LOLOLOLed, in the literal way.

When the arguments were done, and before Judge Amy Berman Jackson took a 15-minute break to decide on Roger Stone's fate, she reportedly said, "I'm going to take a break to try to absorb this," presumably because she didn't think it would be very perfessional to say "OH MY FUCKING GOD WE LIVE IN THE STUPIDEST TIMELINE."

When Berman Jackson came back, she noted the thing Wonkette noted above, about how weird it is that we're in a hearing about Stone posting threatening stuff on his Instagram about HERSELF, considering how some of his current indictment is for witness tampering.

She continued by noting that Stone is a full-of-shit liar who has made a pattern of this, and that moreover, he couldn't even "keep his story straight on the stand."

AND DON'T BULLSHIT AMY BERMAN JACKSON ABOUT "IS THIS CROSSHAIRS OR IS THIS ENYA TICKETS?"

She GETS YOU, Roger Stone. And she DOES NOT THINK you are really sorry.

THEREFORE, IT IS THE DECISION OF THE COURT THAT:

That's right, Roger Stone, YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ENTIRELY WITH YOUR STUPID MOUTH HOLE.

And next time? JAIL.

No seriously, she said that:

Wonkette, of course, assumes Roger Stone will fuck it up by the weekend, and will be going to jail at the very latest by next Thursday.

Until then, run your mouths off in this, your OPEN THREAD!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

Keep reading... Show less
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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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