Roger Stone Not Going To Jail Until Next Time He Pulls Some Real Dumb Sh*t, So ... Next Week-ish?
Was today the stupidest day? Sure why not. (FACTCHECK: All of the days while Donald Trump is president are stupid.)
Roger Stone went to court today to see if federal district Judge Amy Berman Jackson, who is handling his case, might like to revoke his bail agreement and throw his ass in jail, or maybe just stick a big ball gag in his mouth, we mean ISSUE A FULL GAG ORDER, after he thought it'd be REAL CLEVER to post a picture of the judge on Instagram next to what certainly appeared to be crosshairs, you know, because none of his batshit followers would ever take something like THAT the wrong way, would they? PSHAW.
Of course, Roger Stone is very sorry for all this and he'd like to plead guilty to being Roger Stone, argue that he has no other choice in life but to be Roger Stone (it is his eternal curse), and beg the judge for her forgiveness. Also please do not do a full gag order to Roger Stone, because if he's gagged, he will be unable to make dollars and will become poor!
Perhaps he could bring Amy Berman Jackson over to his side and she'd see the hilarity in all this? (NARRATOR: She did not.)
VERDICT: BALL GAG! But no jail :(
Let's set the scene for how this all went down:
Yep, that is a thing that is happened today in the American criminal justice system.
It all went to hell when Roger Stone decided to take the stand, because his lawyers let him do that, even though Roger Stone is an unhinged crazyass fool and this would mean he was subject to questioning from the judge and cross examination by Robert Mueller's prosecutors. We will leave to Legal Twitter the question of whether this should be grounds for immediate disbarment.
Vox reporter Andrew Prokop was at the hearing and he live-tweeted the whole entire shitshow. We will do that little thing Wonkette does, and just throw his tweets at your face, augmenting them with dick jokes wherever the Wonkette Legal Department deems them appropriate.
Awwww poor Roger Stone, just kicking himself for bein' so dumb just this one little time in his whole life. Would Judge Berman Jackson like to see Roger Stone's Nixon tattoo on his back? No? OK, well, he'll go back to feeling very poorly and emotionally and financially stressed.
(By the by, during the hearing, Berman Jackson read from Stone's financial filings, which say he makes $47,000 per month as a "political consultant" for his own company. That sounds VERY financial stress. Except for how we bet his legal fees are pretty fucking astronomical too. Oh well, guess who cares? Not us!)
Anyway, Roger Stone has never seen that crosshairs picture in his life, and again he is sorry.
Oh yes, the "notice of apology"! It was VERY STUPID. In it, Stone said the picture was "improper" and also "impropriety," and he should never have posted it.
We are glad, though, that they cleared up whether Stone posted a crosshairs or if it was a Celtic cross (which can either mean white supremacy or, in more harmless circumstances, suggest that Enya is nearby) or maybe it was FOR DEVIL. We wouldn't want Judge Berman Jackson to jail Roger Stone today for Inappropriate Invocation of Enya.
Oh wait, Roger Stone would like to amend the part of the apology statement where it said "improper."
He was blindfolded when he posted it! He had recently been assassinated by the CIA! But don't worry he got better!
Anyway, is Roger Stone going to do it again? Maaaaaaaaaybe. Just kidding, your honor, certainly not!
All right, good deal. Roger Stone has learned his lesson and will never commit this particular crime again, he promises to God with his fingers crossed inside his butt! (Actually violently threatening people is sort of a pattern for Stone. Oh hey, remember that time he tampered with witnesses in Robert Mueller's investigation by threatening to kill Randy Credico and steal his dog? You should, because it's THE CURRENT CASE HE'S BEING TRIED FOR.)
After that, it was time for the Mueller prosecutors and the DC prosecutors to take over and say hey, let's do a real gag order to this asshole, one that REALLY forces him to shut all the bodily openings that protrude from the jowls of his misshapen head. And for good measure, they pointed out that whatever Stone said today was almost certainly 100,000 percent bullshit.
After that, an exchange between Stone's lawyer and the judge that made us literally LOLOLOLOL:
BRUCE ROGOW: Maybe if you and I sit down with Roger and have a little talk with ...
AMY BERMAN JACKSON: If I talk to him, I'm gonna be talking this gavel right up his ass!
Like we said, we LOLOLOLed, in the literal way.
When the arguments were done, and before Judge Amy Berman Jackson took a 15-minute break to decide on Roger Stone's fate, she reportedly said, "I'm going to take a break to try to absorb this," presumably because she didn't think it would be very perfessional to say "OH MY FUCKING GOD WE LIVE IN THE STUPIDEST TIMELINE."
When Berman Jackson came back, she noted the thing Wonkette noted above, about how weird it is that we're in a hearing about Stone posting threatening stuff on his Instagram about HERSELF, considering how some of his current indictment is for witness tampering.
She continued by noting that Stone is a full-of-shit liar who has made a pattern of this, and that moreover, he couldn't even "keep his story straight on the stand."
AND DON'T BULLSHIT AMY BERMAN JACKSON ABOUT "IS THIS CROSSHAIRS OR IS THIS ENYA TICKETS?"
She GETS YOU, Roger Stone. And she DOES NOT THINK you are really sorry.
THEREFORE, IT IS THE DECISION OF THE COURT THAT:
That's right, Roger Stone, YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ENTIRELY WITH YOUR STUPID MOUTH HOLE.
And next time? JAIL.
No seriously, she said that:
Wonkette, of course, assumes Roger Stone will fuck it up by the weekend, and will be going to jail at the very latest by next Thursday.
Until then, run your mouths off in this, your OPEN THREAD!
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