Romney Sons Campaign For Dad Over Here So They Don't Have To Campaign For Him Over There
While the U.S. Special Forces command refused to comment, sources inside the Pentagon confirm that a new elite commando unit, the "Flying Romneys," has been formed to execute what may be the most crucial mission in the War on Terror: ensuring Mitt Romney's victory in the Iowa caucuses.
The five members of the Flying Romneys -- code-named "Matt," "Josh," "Ben," "Craig," and, most mysteriously, "Tagg" -- were trained in the various clandestine arts of electioneering. While their full skillset is concealed by a haze of secrecy, it almost certainly includes glad-handing, baby-kissing (literal), ass-kissing (figurative), pretending to care about what people in Iowa think, smiling politely, speaking in platitudes, riding around in buses, and collecting gobs and gobs of money.
America's allies were firm in their support for the Flying Romneys. "There's only one way to defeat the insurgency that is tearing Iraq apart: electing Mitt Romney," said Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. "I have faith that these five shadowy heroes can achieve that goal." Afghan President Hamid Karzai said that a strong Romney showing in Iowa would be "better than a dozen victories over the Taliban in battle" for the stability of his long-suffering nation.
Reports that the Flying Romneys were using vote-gathering methods outlawed by the Geneva Convention were brushed off my military brass. "Everyone bearing arms for the U.S. has to do what they have to do to win this war," said General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "It's absolutely crucial that Romney come in first in Iowa."
Future President Romney himself was taciturn on the subject, saying only that "One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president," and adding that a new campaign medal, the 2007-8 Iowa Caucus Victory Badge, would be authorized by the military once he had been elected.
Romney Speaks Up for Sons [AP via SF Chron]