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Romney Taps Ryan For VP: Our Tape-Delayed Liveblog To Honor America's Olympians

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In case you missed it, Mitt Romney picked Rep. Paul Ryan (WI)as his running mate. Here is how they did it: First, they notified Twitter. (Darrell Issa is convening a panel to investigate the national security leaks coming out of the Romney campaign.) Then they notified Paul Ryan maybe. This morning, Romney announced the pick officially through his smartphone app, which, if you downloaded, congratulations, because the Romney campaign now has your contact information for sexy Paul Ryan chats.


At 9 AM, which is 6 AM Pacific time, which is a really, really smart and excellent time to have a big announcement on a Saturday morning, and which unfortunately precluded us from actually live-blogging this bullshit as was originally the plan because someone forgot to wake up and now all of a sudden I'm doing it, Romney and Ryan set foot on the U.S.S. Wisconsin, a former Naval battleship and government-run museum, to point out that the government has done nothing useful and should be destroyed.

First, Romney walked out to the soundtrack from Air Force One, which increased his foreign policy experience by nearly 75%. He was very happy to be able to announce Paul Ryan as a game-changer policy wonk Young Gun political outsider thing. Paul Ryan is a 14-year Congressman who has basically not stepped foot outside of the District of Columbia since he could rent a car without a co-signer. Romney awkwardly introduced Ryan as "the next President of the United States," but then smoothly corrected himself by putting his arm around Ryan's shoulder and grinning through a really painful explanation of how Romney made a mistake, but not in selecting Paul Ryan, because (chuckle), um, because.

Ryan also walked out to the soundtrack from Air Force One (ONLY THREE LEFT), at which point Your Wonkette realized that neither of them were carrying AK-47s to ward off terrorists. How this will play in swing states is unknown.

Ryan unleashed a blistering barrage of battery on Bam-Bam, going after government and a few other things, but never mentioning his amazing pop-up site to end Medicare and Social Security. Presumably, he will unveil his handsome wonkishness on us at a later date when we have all obtained free birth control to prevent us from having his little Eddie Munster children. Ryan did not in fact mention much of anything he had ever done during his 14 years in Congress, because apparently the Romney campaign is not adopting or endorsing any part of Ryan's entire career.

Does this mean Mitt Romney is adopting the Paul Ryan plan?

· Gov. Romney applauds Paul Ryan for going in the right direction with his budget, and as president he will be putting together his own plan for cutting the deficit and putting the budget on a path to balance.

Growing up in my hood, we called that "a startling break with the predominant rationale for choosing this man as second in line to the presidency, mufucka."

Oh, and they both spoke on Teleprompters, because after the guy who invented Obamacare chooses the guy who voted for the auto bailout and  has virtually no private sector experience to complete his ticket, we are all Kenyans now.

Oh yeah, and also, because Romney is a man of integrity and honor, he had his son Tagg Romney notify all the runners-up that they spent months sitting in hotel bathrooms constipated out of their minds on local food for no good reason. Dude just really loves outsourcing.

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The Dumb Song Of J. Dinesh Prufrock

A quick Dear Shitferbrains for you smart kids today, in response to our recent piece on Dinesh D'Souza's continued insistence that historian Kevin M. Kruse please bitchslap him with facts again and again. It turns out we picked the wrong historian to lionize, according to "Hadding Scott," who dropped by to let us know we had foolishly referred to a mere Princeton professor instead of to the most comprehensive take-down-er of D'Souza's lies, "Hadding Scott" himself.

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Among the primary results from Tuesday that we didn't report: Chris Murphy, US Senator from Connecticut, managed to hold on to the Democratic nomination for a second term. Actually, if you want to get all technical about it, he didn't win the nom Tuesday -- he'd already been nominated at the state party convention in May, and the Dem primary was cancelled since Murphy was the only one to file. Murphy's also heavily favored to win reelection this fall. The biggest question for Murphy is whether he's hoping to seek some other office in a couple years. (As if any prominent Democratic senator hasn't already mentally compared their inaugural crowd size to Trump's.)

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