Ron DeSantis, Pudding Fingerer

It has been suggested that when people meet the actual Ron DeSantis, they won't like him. Not regular people who can see that he's a pants-pissing fascist with tough guy insecurity issues who's just trying to slither his way into the Republican nomination by precisely copy-catting Donald Trump without actually being Trump. We mean the actual Republican primary voters he's trying to woo.

He's cringey in debates. He wears dumb boots to hurricanes and everybody laughs at them. He reportedly has no social skills. "A strange no-eye-contact oddball," says Rick Wilson. “I’d rather have teeth pulled without anesthetic than be on a boat with Ron DeSantis,” said Mac Stipanovich, a Florida lobbyist, to The Atlantic.

You can see it when he's on camera. Remember when he had that little hissy fit at the high school kids wearing masks? It's not the hissy fit of a self-assured adult man. It's got an angry toddler quality to it. The general air he gives off is that he could either irrationally explode or break down sobbing and run away looking for mommy at any moment, tripping over his own feet as he goes.

The Daily Beast reports today that people are starting to meet DeSantis, and it's not going well. Also that he's a really disgusting, classless eater, the kind of guy who eats his pudding with three of his fingers. Wait, did we say the kind of guy? We meant to say he's literally that guy.

He stays by himself, not talking to people, in the corners of rooms. He's an awkward fucking dork. (These are Wonkette's treason paraphrases of Daily Beast's sources, of course.)

The reporting says "early primary state players" are trying to "DeSantis-proof" their events, so he doesn't have to get close to humans. He uses bike racks to put distance between himself and the masses. There are about 14 more paragraphs about how DeSantis's personality might be a deterrent to early Republican primary success.

Then the pudding starts flying:

“He would sit in meetings and eat in front of people,” a former DeSantis staffer told The Daily Beast, “always like a starving animal who has never eaten before… getting shit everywhere.”

Raise your hand if you're surprised that the real Ron DeSantis is mannerless trash.

During a private plane trip from Tallahassee to Washington, D.C., in March of 2019, DeSantis enjoyed a chocolate pudding dessert—by eating it with three of his fingers, according to two sources familiar with the incident.

No social skills, always looks like he's about to start crying, eats pudding with his hands, God forbid he tries to touch you, who knows where those hands have been (in pudding). As we were saying, it's downright toddler-like. Very "full diaper, don't care!" behavior.

A lot of people are comparing this to the story of Amy Klobuchar's salad comb during the 2020 Democratic primaries, but the major difference here is that DeSantis is a fascist piece of shit AND he's apparently an awkward, ill-mannered loser you can't take out in public without him embarrassing you. Amy Klobuchar isn't those things.

Along the same lines, there's a story out there today that Marianne Williamson, who also is "running" for president on the Democratic side, was a real abusive shitass to her staff when she "ran" in 2020. We really were just surprised her operation was large enough to have a staff.

It's actually a wild read, though. "Foaming, spitting, uncontrollable rage," said a former staffer. "It was traumatic. And the experience, in the end, was terrifying."

Did she beat people with her magic wizard crystals too? We don't know, but:

Williamson would throw her phone at staffers, according to three of those former staffers.


Her outbursts could be so loud that two former aides recounted at least four occasions when hotel staff knocked on her door to check on the situation. In one instance, Williamson got so angry about the logistics of a campaign trip to South Carolina that she felt was poorly planned that she pounded a car door until her hand started to swell, according to four former staffers. Ultimately, she had to go to an urgent care facility, they said.

Well that is not very chakra-style zen behavior, we bet her cosmic vibrations are out of alignment.

Williamson, of course, denies what her 12 former staffers and the guy who ran her New Hampshire operation and the guy who ran her Ohio operation say about her. She confirms the car door thing, though. "[A] car door is not a person. I would never be physically hurtful to a person.”

The article also says she was super-big on NDAs too, even trying to make taxi drivers and service industry staff sign them when she would flip her shit in front of them.

And so much more!

In summary and in conclusion, everybody who ever ran for president is a real peckerweenus.

The end.

[Daily Beast / Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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