Ron DeSantis Will Close Florida's Beaches. By October, At The Latest!

coronavirus

If Gen Z wants to avoid becoming the next millennials, they better get their perky asses out of the water. With all those videos of drunk spring breakers thronging the beach in Florida, those kids are fast on their way to becoming the generation all the old people love to hate. They grow up so fast, don't they!

Excellent social distancing going on there! Sure hope you kids are taking proper precautions. And no, I do not mean condoms. (Although, that too, obviously.)

It's cool, you guys, she takes SUPPLEMENTS.

But really, they're just kids. As my mother reminds me when my own genzies heat a wad of deli turkey by placing it directly on the toaster oven rack and pressing "Bagel," "they're not fully myelinated." Which is a science-y way of saying, "Teenagers, whaddayagonna do?"

But Ron DeSantis has no excuse. The Florida governor is 41 years old, and he knows damn well he should close those beaches during a wildly contagious viral pandemic. He just doesn't want Florida's tourism industry to take the hit, so he waffled.

Not Ron DeSantis and happy sharkbait kids



"What we're going to be doing for the statewide floor for beaches, we're going to be applying the CDC guidance of no group on a beach more than 10 and you have to have distance apart if you're going to be out there. So that applies statewide," DeSantis said during a press conference Tuesday.

Define "have to." Because that would imply some kind of enforcement mechanism, other than the natural desire of a bunch of drunk 20-year-olds in their underpants to stay several feet apart and not touch each other. And if that's what we're relying on to protect us from disease, we're not gonna make it.

To DeSantis's (partial) credit, he did close bars and limit capacity at restaurants for 30 days starting Tuesday night. But at that point, all the spring break kids were already there.

That nitwit kid can't even manage to work a tube of sunscreen, and we're counting on him to wash his hands to protect his grandma when he goes back to New Jersey or whichever mid-Atlantic state blessed him with that unmistakeable accent? Really?

"We've seen some big crowds on the west coast of Florida and I've had a chance to speak to mayors on both coast today," DeSantis continued at his press conference. "If … they want to continue to [leave the beach open], we want them to have the freedom to do that, but we also want them to have the freedom to do more if they see fit."

It's about local control, see. If the mayor of Amity wants to leave those beaches open and let those kids risk getting eaten by a shark, well, who is Ron DeSantis to tell him otherwise? Just like Andrew Cuomo leaving it up to Bill de Blasio whether he wanted to close the gyms, or nah, brah, it's leg day.

Oh, wait!

And it isn't only crotchety old Gen X'ers losing their minds in quarantine who are shouting at DeSantis to CLOSE THE GODDAMN BEACHES ALREADY, YOU ASSHOLE! Here's DeSantis's predecessor, Florida's former governor and currently quarantined senator, Rick Scott, telling DeSantis and the kids to knock that shit off already.

Did Ron DeSantis actually make us agree with that bastard Rick Scott? The Medicare fraud guy who let those nursing home residents die without power during Hurricane Irma and then deleted the frantic messages to cover it up and banned the term "climate change" as a toxic red algae bloom poisoned Florida's beaches?

DAMMIT, RON! And go home, kids. Like, NOW.

[The Hill]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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