Roy Moore Being Persecuted For Loving Jesus, Not Because He Wanted To Fuck Kids

Roy Moore's hands are God's hands.

It's your Morning Roy! And gentle readers, our Roy Moore spoke at a revival event on Tuesday night, to get us back on message about the real reason for the season, which is not that Roy Moore allegedly touches kids with his meaty Alabama hooves, but that Moore and his followers are being PERSECUTED for loving the LORD. Did God not say they would be hated for loving Him so much?

We're going to need you to sit down, take out your Bible, and let Roy Moore lock your passenger side door to make sure you are paying attention to his revival message, which he delivered at the God Save America conference in Jackson, Alabama. You ready? TAKE US TO CHURCH, ROY:

In case you don't want to watch that whole thing, here are some highlights:

  • The first ten minutes are about how we used to "In God We Trust" in America, and things were great back then, when kids prayed in school and everything in this country was perfect and there were no problems. Skip it, as it is super-boring.
  • 11:00: "They started to create new rights in 1965, and today we've got a problem." Oh, is he talking about the Voting Rights Act? Maybe he is talking about the Civil Rights Act, and he just got the year wrong. Regardless, we're certain the Alabama voters present at the revival got the message.
  • 14:00: Roy Moore reminds everyone the real issue here is that God Hates Fags. Remember how he stood in the courthouse door and stopped the heathen queers from entering into consensual adult marriages? Do you know how many little girls probably went to the mall while he was doing that, but Roy Moore wasn't there to lure them into his van, because he was busy defending Alabama against the homosexuals? Just kidding, Roy Moore couldn't go to the mall because he's banned from there.
  • 16:00: People are doing "allegations" to Roy Moore because he is a fag-hatin' freedom fighter for Jesus, and definitely not because all moral human beings recoil at child molesters.
  • 16:50: Oh fuck, Roy Moore wants to talk to the "young people." Hide your kids, Alabama. Hide your wives too, if they're under 18.
  • 19:30: If you follow in Roy Moore's footsteps, you will also get persecuted, just like Jesus said! Moore even quotes the Bible verses about letting your light shine and not hiding your light under a bushel. Because come on, how will 14-year-olds find you if your light is hidden under a bushel? Their moms probably did tell them to stay in well-lit areas after dark.

You get the idea.

Roy Moore is right that he's being persecuted right now. His buddy Sean Hannity said Tuesday night that EVEN HE is starting to doubt Moore's changing excuses for his alleged kid-touching, and that Moore has 24 hours to come up with a better answer to all these allegations, otherwise he needs to GTFO out of the race. When you've lost Sean Hannity, literally the most gullible motherfucker on earth -- the same Sean Hannity who ALSO went full Glenn Beck White Board pushing the hilariously made-up Hillary Clinton Uranium One scandal on the very same episode of his show -- you are fucked.

Meanwhile, Steve Bannon, who shares a lot of the blame for the fact Alabama is currently having to make a very difficult decision between an alleged child sexual abuser and Literally Atticus Finch, is leaking GRRR BIG TOUGH GUY statements to the media saying that if Moore is lying about these allegations, "I will put him in a grave myself." Oh no, Steve Bannon, don't do "AND THEN THE MURDERS BEGAN" to Roy Moore!

Also meanwhile, the Republican National Committee is doing the liberal establishment lesbian Jesus-hater agenda to Roy Moore, by yanking his funding.

But yea, though Roy Moore walks through the valley of the shadow of death (checking behind trees along the way to see if there are any little girls for him to "date") he will fear no evil.

Wonkette is sends our best thoughts 'n' prayers to Roy Moore, as he experiences this time of tribulation.

Meanwhile, you are free to send your moneys to Doug Jones, because we're pretty sure God's will for Alabama isn't for this pervert to represent it in the Senate.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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