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SO SAD


Did you really think Roy Moore would have actually conceded failure by now? Nah. Instead he released a YouTube video for his followers, to reassure them God is in control and God hates fags and God loves Roy Moore, yadda yadda yadda as Moore's Jewish lawyer might say. Moore's going to be really disappointed when God certifies the result of the election and sends Doug Jones to Washington.

Wanna watch old Roy's message to his followers, who still apparently don't mind if old Roy likes to touch kids? Shit no you don't, but here it is anyway:

Now, we will liveblog the video like it's happening live!

0:00: Roy Moore and Kayla Moore have been gay-married for 32 years. Thank you Kayla, for not divorcing Roy just because he might have fiddled with some young children under their clothes.

0:28: Something about preserving "our public, our civilization, and our religion." Because if Roy Moore doesn't go to Washington, all those things WILL BE BANNED.

0:30: Roy Moore is holding out hope the final certification will somehow miraculously declare him the winner because of "military ballots," even though he lost by eleventy percent TO A DEMOCRAT. Why does he think the brave men and women of the US military were supporting his Stranger Danger ass anyway? (Also, by the way, it would be mathematically impossible for Moore to gain the ground he needs with those ballots.)

1:54: "Abortion, sodomy and materialism have taken the place of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." Yep, that's the America Wonkette knows and loves! Hey, wanna gay-sex each other pregnant, get side-by-side abortions and then go shopping at a mall Roy Moore's not allowed to visit? That is Wonkette's favorite pick-up line, and it ALWAYS WORKS.

2:30: Blah blah, prayer in schools, blah blah 'bortions murdered all the babbies, blah blah God hates fags, God hates transgenders, God hates YOU, God hates YOU, God hates YOU, etc.

THE REST OF IT: Dunno, got bored. Good "liveblog," Wonkette!

Moore had been making noises about a recount, and the Alabama secretary of state was originally aiding and abetting that idea, except Rachel Maddow explained on her show Wednesday night that Alabama state law doesn't actually provide a mechanism for a recount in a federal race like this, where the victor won by 1.5%, or 20,715 votes, which is way higher than the 0.5% margin that would trigger an automatic recount. (And no, he can't pay for one hisself.)

Doug Jones won. Roy Moore lost. Doug Jones is favored by God. Roy Moore's God has abandoned him, and is currently having sushi with Doug Jones at the cutest little spot in Birmingham's Five Points South neighborhood. God and Doug Jones would invite Roy Moore to their victory party, but A) they don't want to, and B) where would Roy Moore park SASSY?

Time to make like an Omarosa and go the fuck away, Roy Moore. Alabama has fired you for the third and final time.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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