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SO SAD


Did you really think Roy Moore would have actually conceded failure by now? Nah. Instead he released a YouTube video for his followers, to reassure them God is in control and God hates fags and God loves Roy Moore, yadda yadda yadda as Moore's Jewish lawyer might say. Moore's going to be really disappointed when God certifies the result of the election and sends Doug Jones to Washington.

Wanna watch old Roy's message to his followers, who still apparently don't mind if old Roy likes to touch kids? Shit no you don't, but here it is anyway:

Now, we will liveblog the video like it's happening live!

0:00: Roy Moore and Kayla Moore have been gay-married for 32 years. Thank you Kayla, for not divorcing Roy just because he might have fiddled with some young children under their clothes.

0:28: Something about preserving "our public, our civilization, and our religion." Because if Roy Moore doesn't go to Washington, all those things WILL BE BANNED.

0:30: Roy Moore is holding out hope the final certification will somehow miraculously declare him the winner because of "military ballots," even though he lost by eleventy percent TO A DEMOCRAT. Why does he think the brave men and women of the US military were supporting his Stranger Danger ass anyway? (Also, by the way, it would be mathematically impossible for Moore to gain the ground he needs with those ballots.)

1:54: "Abortion, sodomy and materialism have taken the place of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." Yep, that's the America Wonkette knows and loves! Hey, wanna gay-sex each other pregnant, get side-by-side abortions and then go shopping at a mall Roy Moore's not allowed to visit? That is Wonkette's favorite pick-up line, and it ALWAYS WORKS.

2:30: Blah blah, prayer in schools, blah blah 'bortions murdered all the babbies, blah blah God hates fags, God hates transgenders, God hates YOU, God hates YOU, God hates YOU, etc.

THE REST OF IT: Dunno, got bored. Good "liveblog," Wonkette!

Moore had been making noises about a recount, and the Alabama secretary of state was originally aiding and abetting that idea, except Rachel Maddow explained on her show Wednesday night that Alabama state law doesn't actually provide a mechanism for a recount in a federal race like this, where the victor won by 1.5%, or 20,715 votes, which is way higher than the 0.5% margin that would trigger an automatic recount. (And no, he can't pay for one hisself.)

Doug Jones won. Roy Moore lost. Doug Jones is favored by God. Roy Moore's God has abandoned him, and is currently having sushi with Doug Jones at the cutest little spot in Birmingham's Five Points South neighborhood. God and Doug Jones would invite Roy Moore to their victory party, but A) they don't want to, and B) where would Roy Moore park SASSY?

Time to make like an Omarosa and go the fuck away, Roy Moore. Alabama has fired you for the third and final time.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Before we get all het up about Donald Trump's press conference with Vladimir Putin, Tucker Carlson says, we need to look at the larger perspective. Maybe Russia hacked us, maybe they didn't, but what about how Mexicans have interfered in our elections for decades just by being born here, huh?

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pic of Butina and her handler via Butina's Twitter

Have you been enjoying the last 24 hours of the mainstream media suddenly realizing there's a Russian intelligence asset in the White House, which is something we at Wonkette have known since October of 2016? Hilarious, right? Anyway, DOJ just found another Russian spy in its big "witch hunt." Her name is Maria Butina and she was arrested on Sunday, because the feds were pretty sure she was about to run. Now she is being held in federal custody without bond.

Butina, who is being called a Russian gun rights activist in the news reels, has been indicted for being a total fucking Russian spy who secretly worked to infiltrate the NRA and use it to create secret back channels between the Kremlin and the Republican party. WITCH HUNT!

Keep one idea in your head during this post, please: There is no such thing as a Russian gun rights activist, at least not in the way that we know it. They do not have a "second amendment" in Russia. It is not a gun culture. And Vladimir Putin's political party certainly isn't trying to Samantha Stephens one into existence! So it would follow that if a "Russian gun nut" is up the NRA's ass trying to create back channels, she is actually just a Russian spy who probably isn't even that good at guns.

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