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Lordy! So much news keeps coming out about the biggest Trump scandal of the entire week, which is that Stephen Miller has a real girlfriend, and she apparently doesn't have a travel ban on his wangus landing its plane in her lady garden! Wow!

Just kidding, that is not the big news.

Ukraine. It was Ukraine. The foreign leader with whom Trump has been having sexxx chats, and in the process promising something so out of bounds for an American president, is the president of Ukraine, according to the Washington Post. Allow Wonkette to note that we CALLED IT, while everybody else was yammering about everybody but Ukraine, Wonkette figured it out and CALLED IT.

And we think we know approximately what Trump has been doing. The New York Times reported yesterday that the whistleblower complaint wasn't about a single phone call, but a series of actions by the president, which tracks with what we've been covering here for months now, namely that Trump seems to have been literally extorting Ukraine, by holding up military aid and demanding Ukraine commence bullshit investigations based on disproven allegations about Joe Biden that came out of Rudy Giuliani's asshole. (Around here, we call the made-up scandal "Ukrainium One.")

In essence Trump has been saying "You don't get your aid unless you do NO COLLUSION to help me cheat my way into a second term by framing investigating my political opponents." Oh yeah, and he wants Ukraine to FESS UP that it only paid Paul Manafort all that blood money as part of a Deep State campaign led by Hillary Clinton. Or something. Yes, this is what supposedly sane and sentient human beings on the Right believe. No, it makes no fucking sense. Anyway, it's mostly the Biden thing, based on Trump's hallucination that Joe Biden somehow fired the corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor who was looking into a company Biden's idiot son Hunter was one the board of. None of that happened.

Rudy Giuliani has been traveling the globe meeting with Ukrainians to push his and Trump's bullshit investigation, and canceling trips to Ukraine when the media shined a light on the rat, so of course when last night's Ukraine news came out, Giuliani hopped, skipped and tripped his way over to CNN to have an absolute meltdown on Chris Cuomo's TV show. And when we say "meltdown," we need to stress that it's just a placeholder word, because we haven't figured out the appropriate English word for what Giuliani did to himself and Trump last night.


This is the primary clip you need to see, if you watch no others. Giuliani lost it when asked if he pushed the Ukrainians to investigate Biden, denied it, lost it some more, then admitted it 30 seconds later, saying OF COURSE he pushed the Ukrainians to investigate Biden, why wouldn't he!

Um, wow, Rudy. Good lawyerin' right there!

But there was so much more, and you really should watch the interview from the beginning. Giuliani started out by waxing senile about how HILLARY WAS THE REAL UKRAINE COLLUSION, and said he was over there in Ukraine Inspector Gadget-ing that obvious fact, at which point he found out about an ASTOUNDING SCANDAL involving Joe Biden! It was ASTOUNDING! It was all being funded by GEORGE SOROS! Rudy Giuliani has PROOF!

It was ... OK yeah, Rudy made it up, or somebody playin' a li'l joke on Giuliani made it up, or maybe Rudy's divorce is just really doing a number on his mental health and all his mental health is gone now, GO BYE BYE!

Anyway, in the following clip, Giuliani also asserted that the new prosecutor in Ukraine was appointed by Joe Biden. Crazy old Uncle Joe, givin' out all the government jobs in Ukraine!

The last line in that segment was, "You want to cover some RIDICULOUS charge that I urged the Ukrainian government to investigate corruption. Well I did! And I'm PROUD OF IT!"

RIDICULOUS charges! That are TRUE! And he's PROUD OF IT!

Giphy

OK! AND THEN!

In this next clip, Giuliani shat on the whistleblower, saying "this guy is hidin' somewhere and skulking around," you know, unlike most whistleblowers, who go on TV and blow their whistles. Giuliani called the whistleblower a "Democrat holdover," and um, that's really the last section of this next clip where Giuliani was sort of coherent but not really. Later on, regarding the whistleblower, Giuliani demanded to know from Cuomo, "YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S A DEEP STATE?" A few seconds later, Giuliani asked Cuomo, "I'M A DEEP STATE?"

AND THEN!

If what is reported is true, it doesn't make a damn! It doesn't make any difference! If the president of the United States said to the president of Ukraine, "investigate the corruption in your country that has a bearing on our 2016 election," isn't that what he's supposed to do?

Haha OK, Rudy, no. This is not about the 2016 election, no matter how much Trump and Giuliani try to make it about that. This is about Trump extorting Ukraine to meddle in the 2020 election for his benefit. Rudy Giuliani did not want to answer questions about that. When asked about the letter Adam Schiff sent when he found out about the whistleblower complaint, Giuliani asserted that if Adam Schiff ever sent him a letter, he would throw it in the trash. And he kept going back to his fake made-up Joe Biden story, which funnily enough started to sound a lot like the current allegations against Trump the more Giuliani babbled.

Odd how that happens.

Giuliani confessed to the crime on Twitter after the interview, because of course he did:

It's amazing that he thinks he's helping. But we guess we'll address his points:

First of all, and once again, we need to be very clear about the fact that any allegations of Biden "corruption" made by Giuliani are imaginary fever dreams that fell out of Giuliani's asshole while Trump's hand was inside it, ALLEGEDLY.

Secondly, NO, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT CRIMINAL, that's not what Trump is "supposed to do" with his opponents!

THIRDLY, if the president is pressuring Ukraine to investigate Rudy Giuliani's fecal fever dreams about Trump's political opponent Joe Biden AND HOLDING UP MILITARY AID IN ORDER TO EXTORT THEM INTO DOING SO, then we'll say it again, we doubt for the last time, that this has JACKSHIT to do with the president's conduct of foreign policy, and everything to do with Donald Trump begging yet another foreign nation to help cheat him into a second term in office.

Anyway, it was nice to see Rudy Giuliani confess to Donald Trump's crimes on TV again. It had been a while! Good to see you, Rudy!

And now we will back away slowly.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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