Rudy Giuliani Didn't Know About Party In His Honor That's Not Happening, Because He Wasn't Invited
Remember that hilarious week when the New York Times did 475 stories on how Alan Dershowitz was a LoserNaked McNoFriends because literally none of his neighbors at Martha's Vineyard were willing to talk to his dumb naked old nudist balls while he lowered them into the hollandaise sauce at all the hottest brunches in Martha's Vineyard, on account of his blind moron support for Donald Trump? Well! The New York Times needs to fire up its presses to do 475 more stories, but this time for Rudy Giuliani!
(To be clear, we don't think there's any part of this story that involves Giuliani's balls in the hollandaise, but maybe there would be if NYT's Jeremy Peters would go fucking do the Giuliani interview he was born to do.)
Point is there was gonna be a party. And all the hottest people in New York were invited! It was to be a party celebrating that time Rudy Giuliani was elected mayor of New York in 1993, which really isn't much of a thing to celebrate, since his mayoral reign was basically just nouns and verbs until finally got his 9/11 in 2001. But that's immaterial, because Giuliani completely lost any semblance of sanity he ever sorta kinda had when he became Donald Trump's TV lawyer, and then he proceeded to go on TV every five minutes to implicate his client and maybe himself in crimes, and because of that, nobody wants to go to his party, because he sucks:
Plans for a party celebrating the 25-year anniversary of Rudy Giuliani becoming the mayor of New York City are "fizzling out" because the 74-year-old politico is "too toxic," according to a source who was invited. [...]
"Rudy wanted it to appear to come together organically," according to that source, who said the mayor left party-planning responsibilities to associates who struggled to find supporters willing to pay for tickets.
Rudy wanted the party to just kinda happen as if by magic, by which we assume he wanted people to RSVP "yes," instead of pretending they were washing their cat or were planning to come down with a nasty case of the rocket poops that night. We imagine he was trying on all his favorite dresses for the occasion and wondering if maybe this time Donald Trump would be his date for real.
As for people who might have actually wanted to show up for this sad and now canceled event, we are guessing they're all indicted or going to be indicted real soon:
"It'd be like a mafia wedding," that source joked, referring to mob gatherings where investigators and media members show up to take an inventory of party-goers with close ties to the dubious guests of honor.
OK, we take it back, maybe we would go to that party.
But there's not going to be a party, and now Rudy Giuliani is pretending like he didn't know there was going to be a party, WHO SAID PARTY, I'M ALWAYS UP FOR A PARTY!
"If there was a party for me, it was a surprise party," he said. "I don't know anything about a party. If you find something out, let me know."
We found something out and we are letting you know, Rudy Guiliani, because we are reading this New York Daily News article right now! There was going to be a party, and you were totally down-low planning it (or at least your former comms director was planning it, as per NYDN's reporting), but everybody who's anybody RSVP-ed "LOL!" and now there's not gonna be a party because pretty much everybody thinks the world would be a better place if you had never been born.
This is all very sad, we are certain.
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