he woke up like this

Another Monday, another episode of "WHAT THE HELL DID RUDY GIULIANI SAY THIS WEEKEND?" Come along, as we examine all the batshit insane #GiulianiWords that led the so-called president of the United States to tweet this Monday morning:

"Numerous legal scholars," LOLOLOLOL, President Taint Snort! More like "numerous Rudy Giulianis," because that is what Giuliani said on TV this weekend. To be clear, "numerous legal scholars" do not believe this:

GEORGE SNUFFALUPAGUS: Do you and the president's attorneys believe he has the power to pardon himself?

GIULIANI: He's not, but he probably does! He has no intention of pardoning himself, but he probably does! It doesn't say he can't! That's another really interesting constitutional argument (giggle giggle, Rudy Giuliani is giggling throughout this) ...

And so forth!

But don't get worried about a constitutional crisis or anything, because Giuliani emphasized several times that Trump is not going to do anything crazy, both on ABC and on "Meet The Press," where he acknowledged that Trump pardoning himself or terminating the investigation into himself would probably lead to "immediate impeachment." He also called Chuck Todd both "Todd" and "Chris," before ... not correcting himself. Then he made this face:

That's a great legal mind right there.

But heck, that Trump tweet above asks straight out why he would pardon himself when, as everybody knows, he has done nothing wrong? Stop being such worrywarts, YOU LIBS.

Giuliani is just saying IN THEORY that the president of the United States is a king who is above the law and has absolute power. (We imagine there is an exception written into Rudy Giuliani's Constitution for when the president is a Democrat or a black person, but that's just not relevant right now.)

In fact, if you want to know how absolute Trump's power is, Giuliani explained to the Huffington Post this weekend that Trump could indeed shoot somebody in the middle of Fifth Avenue, and then he could go shoot James Comey in the Oval Office, and you couldn't even indict him:

“In no case can he be subpoenaed or indicted,” Rudy Giuliani told HuffPost Sunday, claiming a president’s constitutional powers are that broad. “I don’t know how you can indict while he’s in office. No matter what it is.”

Giuliani said impeachment was the initial remedy for a president’s illegal behavior ― even in the extreme hypothetical case of Trump having shot former FBI Director James Comey to end the Russia investigation rather than just firing him.

“If he shot James Comey, he’d be impeached the next day,” Giuliani said. “Impeach him, and then you can do whatever you want to do to him.”

If the president does it, it's not murder. Gotcha.

Basically, here is where we are: If you are a Deplorable-American who likes Trump, he is above the law, and he is even above GOD. If, on the other hand, you are one of the majority of Americans who are still patriots, you better be getting your fucking voting shoes on for November and drive every single eligible voter you have ever met to the polls, in your car, because these authoritarian shitmouths are LITERALLY DISMANTLING OUR AMERICAN INSTITUTIONS PIECE BY PIECE.

Giuliani's "legal thinking" on these matters seems to be based on the leaked letter from Trump lawyer Jay Sekulow and dearly departed Trump lawyer John Dowd, sent back in January to Robert Mueller, which argued that it's literally impossible for the president to commit obstruction of justice or any other crime, based on the legal precedent set by Richard Nixon, who faced no consequences for his crimes and was indeed president until God chose Donald Trump to take his place. It is a very important letter (based on sound legal thinkin'!) that also admits that Trump personally dictated the Lie Statement about his stupid son's treason meeting with the Russians. Wonkette will have a post on that letter today! You should read it!

Finally, we already told you about how Giuliani doesn't want Trump to interview with Robert Mueller because THEIR "RECOLLECTION" KEEPS CHANGING. Therefore it would be obviously unfair for Mueller to perjury trap Trump by asking him questions, when he can't even keep his own story straight. That's just Law School 101, please do not question it.

Watch it again if you didn't put yourself through it the first time:

Just another totally normal weekend in the saga of Rudy Giuliani's brain doing a polka on his dick every single damn time he opens his mouth.

Can't wait for him to talk again!

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[Huffington Post]