Judy Riuliani Is Not As Think As You Drunk He Is (Allegedly! BURRRRRRP!)
It's all fun and games until it's time for RUDY GIULIANI AFTER DARK.
Yahoo! News reporter Hunter Walker spoke to Giuliani last night -- Giuliani called him, not the other way around -- and they discussed the news of the day. For instance, Trump's former fixer/thug/lawyer Michael Cohen, got sentenced to three years in prison. That's a big thing! Also, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) just sued the FBI for any records it has on its investigation into whether rogue FBI agents in the New York office were leaking dirty secrets and lies to old Roodles about how Hillary Clinton was about to be indicted for "emails" in the days before the 2016 election, because it sure seems like that was happening! As CREW notes, Giuliani sure seemed to admit as much when he said, "Did I hear about it? You're darn right I heard about it. And I can't even repeat the language that I heard." (Refresh yourself on that story by clicking HERE.)
Any thoughts on that stuff, Rudy? Do you need to (allegedly) open a third bottle of gin before you answer? OK fine we'll wait, but quick reminder that YOU CALLED THE REPORTER, HE DIDN'T CALL YOU.
Whew! OK! Judy Riuliani is now talks enough to drunk to a Yahoo! reporter about some questions! Allegedly!
Hunter Walker tweeted out the verbatim responses Giuliani gave him.
THAT IS A LOT OF WORDS.
Let's take a look-see at Walker's transcripts of his call with Giuliani. The first, we presume, is in response to the question about the CREW lawsuit on the radicalized FBI sleeper cell in New York leaking him dirts on Hillary just before the election. Or maybe it is in response to "Sir, you're in a taxi cab right now. We can't take you home if you don't tell us where you live."
COMEY BITTER LIAR LEAKER SLOSH SLOSH! COMEY DEMOCRAT! RUDY GIULANI FOOL ME ONCE CAN'T GET FOOLED AGAIN.
RUDY GIULIANI NO TRY TO HURT FBI AGENTS! HE WAS JUST PETTING THEM VERY GENTLY BECAUSE THEY ARE HIS FRIENDS!
Here's the rest, it is incoherent and incomprehensible:
RUDY GIULIANI FINDS RUDY GIULIANI INNOCENT ON ALL CHARGES, OFFICER YOUR HONOR!
Yeah, so anyway.
Walker followed up with a full article on his interview, in which Giuliani opined on many more subjects. For instance, you may not have ever heard him say this before, but he really wants the Robert Mueller investigation to be almost over now:
"Our strategy is … to do everything we can to try to convince Mueller to wrap the damn thing up, and if he's got anything, show us," Giuliani said. "If he doesn't have anything, you know, write your report, tell us what you have, and we'll deal with it. He can't prosecute him [Trump]. All he can do is write a report about him, so write the goddamned thing and get it over with now."
First of all, there is no law that says Trump can't be indicted. In fact, if his crimes are egregious enough -- like say, if he shot somebody in the middle of Fifth Avenue, or if he ACTIVELY CONSPIRED WITH A HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER TO STEAL AN ELECTION -- we bet DOJ will rethink that memo that says you can't indict a sitting president.
And the Southern District of New York is still out there, and all signs are pointing to SDNY being #LongHairDon'tCare about this and not giving a FUCK what some 1970s DOJ memo says. Hell, we think SDNY might do it before Mueller does.
Also, Rudy Giuliani may not be mentally alert enough to understand this right now, but the Mueller investigation is about a lot more than just Trump. So he'll "wrap the damn thing up" and "write the goddamn thing" when he's good and ready, fuck you very much, you senile old shitbag with his pants around his ankles for everybody to see in the men's room of the Milan airport, according to the grossest thing we ever read just now.
The special counsel's office declined to comment on Giuliani's assessment of the investigation.
They were too busy giggling.
Giuliani shared his thoughts on Michael Cohen's sentencing:
"Cohen is a completely dishonorable person. … I've never heard of a lawyer that tape-recorded their client without the client's permission, and I've known some pretty scummy lawyers," Giuliani said.
Like for instance ... this guy!
Funny story, though:
Federal prosecutors could use this statement against Trump to support their argument that Michael Cohen was not act… https://t.co/h9u6eIcCig— Renato Mariotti (@Renato Mariotti) 1544724998.0
That's right, Donald Trump apparently impromptu called in to Fox News today, because it's not like he does any actual work anymore, and he said Cohen wasn't really his lawyer.
This is different from what he tweeted this morning, of course:
Riiiiiiiiiight. Who you gonna believe? Donald Trump or Donald Trump? Oh well, guess the prosecutors will figure it out.
But we digress!
Giuliani commented on how Trump couldn't have possibly committed a campaign finance violation when he directed Cohen to make illegal campaign contributions by paying those women off, because A) Trump is definitely not a lawyer and B) this dumbass reason:
"They tried exactly the same theory against Edwards in order to sensationalize the case," Giuliani explained. "They couldn't succeed in that. The campaign finance board has indicated that payments like this, which even if they're for some campaign purpose, if they're also for a personal purpose and you would have made them anyway, are not campaign contributions."
Did Wonkette not just explain this morning that unless you really believe that Trump was trying to protect MELANIA'S FEELINGS, there is no way in hell this can be construed as in any way similar to what John Edwards did? WE DID DO THAT.
Rudy Giuliani would like to belch about NO COLLUSION real quick, if that's cool:
"Collusion isn't even a crime. Collusion is like the biggest bunch of bullshit. The crime is conspiracy to hack. Do you believe that Donald Trump engaged in a conspiracy with the Russians to hack Hillary Clinton? Of course not. It's ridiculous," Giuliani said.
No, dear baby sweetheart who probably needs to go lie down and sleep this off, the crime is conspiracy to defraud the United States. The hacking is just one LITTLE BITTY part of it! And no, we do not believe Donald Trump personally did a conspiracy to "hack," because Trump is too stupid to use computers. We just think he was in on it.
Finally, Rudy Giuliani, who used to be the US attorney who ran SDNY, does not know the difference between which one is SDNY and which one is the special counsel's office:
"How do they all of a sudden become campaign finance prosecutors? You need a special prosecutor for campaign finance? I mean, they started with collusion. … After two years and two investigations … they have nothing on collusion," Giuliani said. "Then, they started squeaking about obstruction. They've got nothing on obstruction, and Article II prevents them from doing anything about obstruction. Now they're doing campaign finance."
Boy howdy. You know the old expression, "A stopped Rudy Giuliani is right twice a BURP"? It's not relevant to this post, because Rudy Giuliani is full of shit about ALL OF IT.
Giuliani also whined about Paul Manafort's case, insisting that maybe Manafort is telling THE TRUTH (hahahahahahaha), and also said Trump's not going to pardon anybody, unless he decides to pardon people "based on an analysis of the case," mm hmm that's right, Trump is going to analyze it, using his very good brain and the legal expertise of his partner-in-crime (perhaps literally) Rudy Fucking Giuliani.
You betcha, can't wait.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is supported ONLY by YOU. Help a website out, if you are able!