Rudy Giuliani Says Anybody Who Puts Him In Jail Going To Heaven When They Die

Rudy Giuliani Says Anybody Who Puts Him In Jail Going To Heaven When They Die

Poor Rudy. Poor, poor Rudy.

No literally, it sounds like Rudy Giuliani's pretty poor these days, because Donald Trump won't pay no legal bills for him. Maggie Haberman says according to Rudy's pals, whatever pals he has left, he is B-R-O-K-E as a J-O-K-E. File that one in your "when bad things happen to bad people" spank bank.

But Rudy is just so upset and he swears he is innocent of all crimes past, present and future, and he says he'll go to jail if he has to, but whoever puts him there is gonna hear about it. IN HEAVEN.

Lotta fun quotes here, though, we'll get to that part when we get to it.

"I committed no crime," the former New York mayor told NBC, apparently unprompted during an interview about the forthcoming 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, conducted at the 9/11 Memorial and Museum in downtown Manhattan.

"And if you think I did commit a crime, you're probably really stupid because you don't know who I am."

Who among us doesn't say unprompted that during interviews about the 20th anniversary of 9/11?

Rudy says he couldn't POSSIBLY have been a secret unregistered foreign agent for hostile foreign powers, because you know why? Because in a former life he prosecuted people for crimes!

"As the guy who put the mafia in jail, terrorists in jail, put [former mayor] Ed Koch's commissioners in jail and the worst people on Wall Street, I'm not going to file [as an agent]?" Giuliani asked, referring to highlights of his time as a prosecutor before becoming mayor.

As we all know, you have to choose either prosecuting crimes or doing crimes, and no lawman in human history has ever done a crime. Or multiple crimes. Forget that for some reason, dude has, at least for now, lost his ability to practice law in DC and New York, and that that's actually unrelated to the reasons the FBI raided him a few months ago. We know he's under criminal investigation for Ukraine stuff. Is there more? Only prosecutors know. But he can't have possibly done crime!

"I mean, that is crazy."

That is crazy!

He also said he was "more than willing to go to jail if they want to put me in jail. And if they do, they're going to suffer the consequences in heaven."

Sounds like Rudy is unclear on how "heaven" works. Does heaven have D-Hall for wayward saints? Oh well, point is if people put Rudy in jail, they've got a one-way ticket TO HEAVEN, says Rudy, and he might not be wrong.

Know who's not gonna suffer the consequences in heaven?

"I'm not."

That was still Rudy talking, and if we're reading the transcript correctly, we guess he probably thinks he's saying heaven for him is going to be all chram-yanking and candy stripers, as opposed to "consequences heaven," where the bad Rudy-jailers go. Of course, he could also be saying he's probably personally going to hell.

This has been a morning contemplation of what happens to people who put Rudy Giuliani in jail when they die.

Soli deo gloria and shit.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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