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Well, that's settled then. The Rudy Giuliani: Master Strategist or Moron debate has been called by the great man himself. After a weekend of increasingly strange interviews where Giuliani appeared to confess his client's complicity in witness tampering and Russian collusion followed by a frantic walkback Monday, the attorney crescendoed to a fantastic climax last night. A lesser man might have just gotten in the shower and ignored a call from the thousandth reporter of the day seeking copy. But not Rudy! That guy parked his keister on the bed (probably) and unburdened his soul to The New Yorker's Isaac Chotiner in an epic interview that establishes his moron bona fides forever.

It started with a predictable denial of the BuzzFeed story alleging Trump directed his lawyer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress.

GIULIANI: But I can tell you, from the moment I read the story, I knew the story was false.

CHOTINER: Because?

GIULIANI: Because I have been through all the tapes, I have been through all the texts, I have been through all the e-mails, and I knew none existed. And then, basically, when the special counsel said that, just in case there are any others I might not know about, they probably went through others and found the same thing.

CHOTINER: Wait, what tapes have you gone through?

GIULIANI: I shouldn't have said tapes. They alleged there were texts and e-mails that corroborated that Cohen was saying the President told him to lie. There were no texts, there were no e-mails, and the President never told him to lie.

CHOTINER: So, there were no tapes you listened to, though?

GIULIANI: No tapes. Well, I have listened to tapes, but none of them concern this.

You could have been in the shower belting out showtunes, Poppy! Instead you're discussing which crimes your client got caught on tape committing. But please, don't let us stop you!

We at Wonkette are old enough to remember when Rudy Giuliani told The New York Times that Trump's Moscow Tower talks were "going on from the day I announced to the day I won." Because we are exactly two days old. But apparently Giuliani was just channelling his inner O.J. Simpson, and even if Trump had negotiated with the Russians 24-7 during the campaign, it would have been completely kosher.


That's an insane question you just asked me. I am not saying that he did it. I just told you he didn't do it. I am telling you that their investigation is so ridiculous that, even if he did do it, it wouldn't be a crime. Now, would the American people be interested in it? Of course. There's a big difference between what the American people would be interested in and what's a crime. The American people can be interested in a lot of things people conceal that aren't crimes. I'm a criminal lawyer. I am not an ethicist. And I defend people against unfair criminal charges.

Uhhhh ... okay. You just admitted that your client lied to the public during the entirety of his campaign, but he can't go to jail for it, so not your problem! Which is very excellent public relations strategy. And speaking of PR, care to discuss your legacy, sir?

CHOTINER: Saying things for Trump, not always being truthful about it—do you ever worry that this will be your legacy? Does that ever worry you in any way?

GIULIANI: Absolutely. I am afraid it will be on my gravestone. "Rudy Giuliani: He lied for Trump." Somehow, I don't think that will be it. But, if it is, so what do I care? I'll be dead. I figure I can explain it to St. Peter. He will be on my side, because I am, so far . . . I don't think, as a lawyer, I ever said anything that's untruthful. I have a sense of ethics that is as high as anybody you can imagine. I've been doing this forever. I am doing what I believe in. I may not always be right, but I am doing what I believe. And I believe this man has been treated horribly. Including this BuzzFeed thing.

[...]

And, I think, when this is over, you are going to see that we are defending an innocent man who has been very unfairly treated. I can't think of a person who has been as unfairly treated as this, by both the media and, to some extent, the special counsel. Now, maybe he is near the end and is starting to rethink it. I hope.

CHOTINER: The Central Park Five? Trying to think of other people treated badly.

Aaaaaand, scene. Thrice-divorced serial adulterer Rudy Giuliani, who informed his children's mother that he was leaving her in a press conference and is currently in the pay of oligarchs across the Middle East and every former Soviet stan, thinks that fellow philanderer Donald Trump, who pushed the birther conspiracy, threatened to jail his political opponent, is currently urging the Justice Department to prosecute a witness against him, and oh, by the way, LOCKS BABIES IN CAGES, is somehow persecuted like Jesus on the cross? We're not really seeing a meet up with Saint Peter in the cards here! Okay okay, one more by popular request:

I just finished the conversation. You got it. You've got my position. Conversations didn't take place. If you say that I said they took place, you are lying. Now, if you want to discuss a hypothetical, if they took place, what are the legal ramifications of it, I went to law school to learn how to do that. But that isn't what I said. I don't know how to make it clearer, and I really don't have any more time.

Clear as mud.

This is not five-dimensional chess. Rudy's not getting out in front of a story here. He's flailing wildly and playing fast and loose with attorney-client privilege in a desperate ploy to throw dirt in all directions so no one notices his client is covered in Russian shit. As a PR strategy, it's pathetic, and as a legal strategy, it's disastrous.

No more will Yr Five Dollar Feminist shout into the void of the Wonkette Seekrit Chat Cave, "THERE IS NO PLAN!" There's just a has-been geezer, puffing cigars in between media hits where he arglebargles by the seat of his pants and then vanishes in a cloud of smoke, like she said from Day 1. That debate is over.

TOLDJA.

[The New Yorker]

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Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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