Rudy Giuliani Settles The Debate. Moron. The Answer Is Moron.
Well, that's settled then. The Rudy Giuliani: Master Strategist or Moron debate has been called by the great man himself. After a weekend of increasingly strange interviews where Giuliani appeared to confess his client's complicity in witness tampering and Russian collusion followed by a frantic walkback Monday, the attorney crescendoed to a fantastic climax last night. A lesser man might have just gotten in the shower and ignored a call from the thousandth reporter of the day seeking copy. But not Rudy! That guy parked his keister on the bed (probably) and unburdened his soul to The New Yorker's Isaac Chotiner in an epic interview that establishes his moron bona fides forever.
It started with a predictable denial of the BuzzFeed story alleging Trump directed his lawyer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress.
GIULIANI: But I can tell you, from the moment I read the story, I knew the story was false.
GIULIANI: Because I have been through all the tapes, I have been through all the texts, I have been through all the e-mails, and I knew none existed. And then, basically, when the special counsel said that, just in case there are any others I might not know about, they probably went through others and found the same thing.
CHOTINER: Wait, what tapes have you gone through?
GIULIANI: I shouldn't have said tapes. They alleged there were texts and e-mails that corroborated that Cohen was saying the President told him to lie. There were no texts, there were no e-mails, and the President never told him to lie.
CHOTINER: So, there were no tapes you listened to, though?
GIULIANI: No tapes. Well, I have listened to tapes, but none of them concern this.
You could have been in the shower belting out showtunes, Poppy! Instead you're discussing which crimes your client got caught on tape committing. But please, don't let us stop you!
We at Wonkette are old enough to remember when Rudy Giuliani told The New York Times that Trump's Moscow Tower talks were "going on from the day I announced to the day I won." Because we are exactly two days old. But apparently Giuliani was just channelling his inner O.J. Simpson, and even if Trump had negotiated with the Russians 24-7 during the campaign, it would have been completely kosher.
That's an insane question you just asked me. I am not saying that he did it. I just told you he didn't do it. I am telling you that their investigation is so ridiculous that, even if he did do it, it wouldn't be a crime. Now, would the American people be interested in it? Of course. There's a big difference between what the American people would be interested in and what's a crime. The American people can be interested in a lot of things people conceal that aren't crimes. I'm a criminal lawyer. I am not an ethicist. And I defend people against unfair criminal charges.
Uhhhh ... okay. You just admitted that your client lied to the public during the entirety of his campaign, but he can't go to jail for it, so not your problem! Which is very excellent public relations strategy. And speaking of PR, care to discuss your legacy, sir?
CHOTINER: Saying things for Trump, not always being truthful about it—do you ever worry that this will be your legacy? Does that ever worry you in any way?
GIULIANI: Absolutely. I am afraid it will be on my gravestone. "Rudy Giuliani: He lied for Trump." Somehow, I don't think that will be it. But, if it is, so what do I care? I'll be dead. I figure I can explain it to St. Peter. He will be on my side, because I am, so far . . . I don't think, as a lawyer, I ever said anything that's untruthful. I have a sense of ethics that is as high as anybody you can imagine. I've been doing this forever. I am doing what I believe in. I may not always be right, but I am doing what I believe. And I believe this man has been treated horribly. Including this BuzzFeed thing.
And, I think, when this is over, you are going to see that we are defending an innocent man who has been very unfairly treated. I can't think of a person who has been as unfairly treated as this, by both the media and, to some extent, the special counsel. Now, maybe he is near the end and is starting to rethink it. I hope.
CHOTINER: The Central Park Five? Trying to think of other people treated badly.
Aaaaaand, scene. Thrice-divorced serial adulterer Rudy Giuliani, who informed his children's mother that he was leaving her in a press conference and is currently in the pay of oligarchs across the Middle East and every former Soviet stan, thinks that fellow philanderer Donald Trump, who pushed the birther conspiracy, threatened to jail his political opponent, is currently urging the Justice Department to prosecute a witness against him, and oh, by the way, LOCKS BABIES IN CAGES, is somehow persecuted like Jesus on the cross? We're not really seeing a meet up with Saint Peter in the cards here! Okay okay, one more by popular request:
I just finished the conversation. You got it. You've got my position. Conversations didn't take place. If you say that I said they took place, you are lying. Now, if you want to discuss a hypothetical, if they took place, what are the legal ramifications of it, I went to law school to learn how to do that. But that isn't what I said. I don't know how to make it clearer, and I really don't have any more time.
Clear as mud.
This is not five-dimensional chess. Rudy's not getting out in front of a story here. He's flailing wildly and playing fast and loose with attorney-client privilege in a desperate ploy to throw dirt in all directions so no one notices his client is covered in Russian shit. As a PR strategy, it's pathetic, and as a legal strategy, it's disastrous.
No more will Yr Five Dollar Feminist shout into the void of the Wonkette Seekrit Chat Cave, "THERE IS NO PLAN!" There's just a has-been geezer, puffing cigars in between media hits where he arglebargles by the seat of his pants and then vanishes in a cloud of smoke, like she said from Day 1. That debate is over.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.