Rudy Giuliani Would Gladly Pay You Tuesday To Shut Down Investigation Today


WHY IS RUDY GIULIANI STILL TALKING? What is even happening here?

When Comey closed [the Hillary Clinton case] in July — although I think it was a complete whitewash — I’d like to have them do that for us.

Sorry, did the president's attorney just tell Politico that he wants Robert Mueller to WHITEWASH the Russia investigation and sweep it all under the rug? Is he having a stroke?

Well that's the craziest shit we've heard since Rudy confessed to Sean Hannity that Trump "funneled" money through his legal payments to reimburse Michael Cohen for the Stormy Daniels payoff.

As best we can make out, Donald Trump's second looniest lawyer thinks investigations are only allowed to go on for a year. And since we've reached the anniversary of the Special Counsel's appointment and he hasn't thrown Donald Trump in Collusion Jail, Robert Mueller is now required by law to go on television and say that the president is pure as fresh snow blanketing the roof of a Kremlin troll farm on a cold November evening.

Come on! They’ve had a whole year,” the Trump lawyer said in a recent interview. “We’re going to raise the pressure to try to get this thing over with. It’s gone on long enough,” he added.

“In the interest of the country, I think it's time to wrap it up,” Vice President Mike Pence told NBC last week.

How long was that Whitewater investigation again? Oh, four years to investigate a 1979 land deal and a blow job in the Oval Office? Just checking.

Yes, it's puzzling that a massive investigation into wholesale Russian meddling in the American electoral process takes longer than figuring out whether Hillary Clinton should have set up a server in her basement. Particularly since every time Robert Mueller turns over a rock, another Russian oligarch crawls out. Or a pornstar payoff. Or a campaign finance violation.

And we are old enough to remember when James Comey got fired for being too mean to Hillary Clinton when he closed the email investigation after a year. As Politico points out,

“The Director laid out his version of the facts for the news media as if it were a closing argument, but without a trial,” [Deputy AG Rod] Rosenstein wrote. “It is a textbook example of what federal prosecutors and agents are taught not to do.”

Another critic was Trump himself, who has justified his decision to fire Comey last May by pointing to the way he handled the Clinton email scandal.

Just last week Giuliani and that whacknut Jeanine Pirro were doing that weird performance art thing where they screeched at each other while Giuliani caressed his own hand in imitation of the FBI's gentle treatment of Hillary Clinton ... we guess? Who the hell even knows!

See, the FBI botched the Clinton investigation, and thus they OWE IT to Donald Trump to botch his, too! That is very excellent lawyering, and not at all the rantings of a man who has been cheeking his meds.

Here on Planet Earth, Robert Mueller has indicted 18 people, secured guilty pleas from Michael Flynn, Rick Gates, and George Papadopoulos, and has criminal cases pending against Paul Manafort in two federal courts. And Alexander van der Zwaan is currently a guest of the Federal Corrections Institute in Allenwood, Pennsylvania.

So, Rudy Giuliani can STFU about Mueller's duty to wrap it up already. Maybe if he'd been in a courtroom in the past 30 years, he'd know THAT'S NOT HOW LAW WORKS.

Oh, wait! He has been dipping his toe back into the waters of complex criminal litigation.

Never mind! Carry on, sir. You obviously know exactly what you're doing!

And we have belatedly decided this is your OPEN THREAD! Get to threading!

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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