WHY IS RUDY GIULIANI STILL TALKING? What is even happening here?

When Comey closed [the Hillary Clinton case] in July — although I think it was a complete whitewash — I’d like to have them do that for us.

Sorry, did the president's attorney just tell Politico that he wants Robert Mueller to WHITEWASH the Russia investigation and sweep it all under the rug? Is he having a stroke?

Well that's the craziest shit we've heard since Rudy confessed to Sean Hannity that Trump "funneled" money through his legal payments to reimburse Michael Cohen for the Stormy Daniels payoff.

As best we can make out, Donald Trump's second looniest lawyer thinks investigations are only allowed to go on for a year. And since we've reached the anniversary of the Special Counsel's appointment and he hasn't thrown Donald Trump in Collusion Jail, Robert Mueller is now required by law to go on television and say that the president is pure as fresh snow blanketing the roof of a Kremlin troll farm on a cold November evening.

Come on! They’ve had a whole year,” the Trump lawyer said in a recent interview. “We’re going to raise the pressure to try to get this thing over with. It’s gone on long enough,” he added.

“In the interest of the country, I think it's time to wrap it up,” Vice President Mike Pence told NBC last week.

How long was that Whitewater investigation again? Oh, four years to investigate a 1979 land deal and a blow job in the Oval Office? Just checking.

Yes, it's puzzling that a massive investigation into wholesale Russian meddling in the American electoral process takes longer than figuring out whether Hillary Clinton should have set up a server in her basement. Particularly since every time Robert Mueller turns over a rock, another Russian oligarch crawls out. Or a pornstar payoff. Or a campaign finance violation.

And we are old enough to remember when James Comey got fired for being too mean to Hillary Clinton when he closed the email investigation after a year. As Politico points out,

“The Director laid out his version of the facts for the news media as if it were a closing argument, but without a trial,” [Deputy AG Rod] Rosenstein wrote. “It is a textbook example of what federal prosecutors and agents are taught not to do.”

Another critic was Trump himself, who has justified his decision to fire Comey last May by pointing to the way he handled the Clinton email scandal.

Just last week Giuliani and that whacknut Jeanine Pirro were doing that weird performance art thing where they screeched at each other while Giuliani caressed his own hand in imitation of the FBI's gentle treatment of Hillary Clinton ... we guess? Who the hell even knows!

See, the FBI botched the Clinton investigation, and thus they OWE IT to Donald Trump to botch his, too! That is very excellent lawyering, and not at all the rantings of a man who has been cheeking his meds.

Here on Planet Earth, Robert Mueller has indicted 18 people, secured guilty pleas from Michael Flynn, Rick Gates, and George Papadopoulos, and has criminal cases pending against Paul Manafort in two federal courts. And Alexander van der Zwaan is currently a guest of the Federal Corrections Institute in Allenwood, Pennsylvania.

So, Rudy Giuliani can STFU about Mueller's duty to wrap it up already. Maybe if he'd been in a courtroom in the past 30 years, he'd know THAT'S NOT HOW LAW WORKS.

Oh, wait! He has been dipping his toe back into the waters of complex criminal litigation.

Never mind! Carry on, sir. You obviously know exactly what you're doing!

And we have belatedly decided this is your OPEN THREAD! Get to threading!

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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. George State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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Conservatives want to be oppressed. Or, rather, for everyone to think they are being oppressed and to then give them what they see as the impunity and moral upper hand that comes along with being an oppressed group of people. They want it very, very badly and think it is very unfair that all the people they have oppressed have this privilege and they do not. This morning, Trump took to Twitter to vow to protect them from the worst kind of oppression of all -- imaginary social media censorship!

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