Rudy Giuliani's Lawyer Issued A Statement For His Client. It Is #BeBest.

One more Roodles the Raving Assclown post before we shut down this day. We imagine Wonkette will have a fun post for you tomorrow on his big appearance on Tucker tonight. Or not! We are not in the future, so there is no way to know!

Did y'all happen to see the statement Rudy Giuliani's lawyer Robert Costello released in response to Rudy getting raided? Oh, it is a thing of beauty. It looks like it was written by Donald Trump when he's hangry for hamberders.

It is exactly the kind of statement Rudy deserves. It is HUNTER BIDDEN!11!1 and HILARLYDFCLINTNO!!!!! and so much goddamn whining. Also some weird capitalizations, because why release a fully literate statement when your intended audience isn't really known for doing words good?

Let's tear it apart piece by piece, and also helpfully edit it!

This is how it starts.

The Biden department of justice has completely ignored clear evidence (which the FBI has had for over a year) in texts and emails on Hunter Biden's hard drive of failing to register numerous times as a foreign agent, child pornography, money laundering, and 30 years of the Biden Crime family taking millions and millions in bribes to sell his public offices.

No really, that's how it starts. "Department of Justice" should be capitalized, first of all. And you should either capitalize all the letters in "Biden Crime Family" or just capitalize his name. No in-between-sies!

But wow, if the FBI has had all that very real evidence for that long, it sounds like the Trump Justice Department really dropped the ball too!

Instead, the Justice Department decided it was a higher priority to serve (at dawn) search warrants for electronics at the home and law office of former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.

They usually do those types of things (at dawn).

The search warrants involve only one indication of an alleged incident of failure to register as a foreign agent. Mayor Giuliani has not only denied this allegation, but offered twice in the past two years through his attorney Bob Costello to demonstrate that it is entirely untrue. Twice the offer was rejected by the SDNY by stating that while they were willing to listen to anything Mr. Costello had to say, they would not tell Mr. Giuliani or Mr. Costello, the subject matter they wanted him to address.

Bob Costello says Bob Costello offered to do the thing Bob Costello wanted to do, but they wouldn't listen to Bob Costello, the same Bob Costello writing this illiterately comma'ed, statement right now.

Bob Costello.

This contrasts with multiple proven incidences of failure to file as a foreign agent contained on the Biden hard drive which the FBI and the Department of Justice has ignored. You have not seen the home of Hunter Biden raided by the FBI with search warrants. This behavior of the justice department, enabled by a compliant media, running roughshod over the constitutional rights of anyone involved in, or legally defending, former President Donald J. Trump is becoming the rule, rather than the exception.

"Justice Department" ought to be capitalized. And again with the commas. Remember that scene in Shattered Glass when the mean New Republic owner made them all circle every comma in the new issue, because he was mad about their commas? Man, that was great. Good movie, good idea for commas!

But yes, we bet "laptop" definitely for sure has "multiple proven incidences of failure to file as a foreign agent." There is probably a folder with that exact name, on laptop! (In Cyrillic? We are just asking.)

Anyway, if all these Trump people keep getting investigated and prosecuted for crimes — even during the Trump administration! — then Occam's Razor would suggest ...

It is also a clear example of a corrupt double standard. One for high-level democrats whose blatant crimes are ignored, such as Hilary Clinton, Hunter Biden, Joe Biden, and Republicans who are prominent supporters and defenders of President Trump who, are subjected to false charges and procedures used in the past, if at all, in cases involving terrorists and organized criminals.

That is not what Occam's razor would suggest.

Also, capitalize "Democrats." Throw those commas up in the air again and see if they land in more reasonable places. "Hillary" has two 'L's, but delete that part anyway, it makes you look deranged and senile.

The electronics taken are, also, replete with the material covered by the attorney-client privilege and other constitutional privileges. The warrant served on Mr. Giuliani's law office is another disturbing example of complete disregard for the attorney-client privilege protected by the Sixth Amendment to the Constitution.

We are quite certain that if there are attorney-client privilege issues that aren't completely negated by the crime-fraud exception, then a taint team can sort that all out, just like they did with that other Trump lawyer Michael Cohen.

Unnecessary commas after "are" and "also," but they don't rise to the level of COMMA CRIME, so we'll, perhaps, but perhaps not, allow them. No, we won't allow them at all.

Remember the newspaper reports that explained that twice before, the SDNY went to Main Justice to seek permission to obtain a search warrant for Mr. Giuliani's electronic devices and twice before the request was rejected. What changed? A new Administration – a new Attorney General.

Good point. Not for your side, but rather for our side, but good point nonetheless.

First sentence should end with a question mark, and "administration" and "attorney general" need not be capitalized, though we suppose you can For Emphasis.

Were they ever informed of Mr. Costello's offer? Was the Judge who signed the search warrant ever informed of Mr. Costello's offer? We think not.

He thinks not.

Twice, Mr. Giuliani's counsel offered to sit with the SDNY and demonstrate that Mr. Giuliani's conduct was lawful. It is outrageous that the Trump Derangement Syndrome has gone so far that hatred has driven this unjustified and unethical attack on the United States Attorney and Mayor who did more to reduce crime than virtually any other in American history. Mr. Giuliani respects the law, and he can demonstrate that his conduct as a lawyer and a citizen was absolutely legal and ethical.

We're fairly certain SDNY will be willing to interview Rudy, when it's interviewin' time.

Of course, I'm sure you will not be surprised that the FBI left behind the only electronics that contain evidence of crimes, the Hunter Biden hard drives.

Wait, didn't dude just say above that Hunter Biden's laptop is full of child porn? Is he saying Rudy Giuliani has KIDDIE PORN in his HOUSE? And that it's STILL THERE? Is that what he ... meant to type?

Mayor Giuliani offered them on several occasions, but the agents steadfastly declined. Keep in mind that the agents could not read the physical hard drives without plugging them in, but they took Mr. Giuliani's word that the hard drives were copies of Hunter Biden's hard drive and did not contain anything pertaining to Mr. Giuliani. Think about what that tells you. Their reliance on Mr. Giuliani's credibility tells you everything you need to know about this case.

Yeah, we bet it happened just exactly that way. "No Hunter Biden laptops for us," said the FBI, steadfastly, because they didn't want any Hunter Biden laptops, and also they just think of Rudy as a totally truthful guy.

Pardon us if we have a mental image of Rudy during the raid waving around a stuffed bunny, or something else that he believes in his heart is "Hunter Biden's laptop," but the FBI agents were like "bless his heart, he thinks his lovey is a computer" and decided out of the goodness of their hearts to leave it with him.

We obviously are not asserting that is what happened, it's just that we've seen Rudy Giuliani on television a bunch of times and can imagine it going down kinda like that.

Anyway, good lawyer statement, dude, we are all very convinced of Rudy Giuliani's utter and eternal innocence now, you betcha, the end.


[Costello statement]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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