It's noon on a Monday, and Mitch McConnell is already having a week. Trump's babysitters had finally gotten Li'l Crankypants to agree to a 17-minute impeachment sham in the Senate, promising that Lindsey Graham would stage show hearings on the Biden bullshit after Uncle Mitch magicked away any real danger for the president. But then Rudy Giuliani stuck his stupid pinky ring in and screwed it all up. Yes, Rudy's back from Ukraine where he's been filming a "documentary" on Joe Biden's multiple attempts to poison Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin. And that's not even a joke!

So now Trump has promised that his free lawyer Rudy will be presenting his findings to the Department of Justice, State Department, and Congress as SCIENCE PROOF that Donald Trump was duty-bound to investigate Joe Biden and thus impeachment is UNLEGAL.

The Grandpa Crazy Express train is barreling down the tracks toward the White House and the State Department. No wonder Mike Pompeo is conspicuously fingering the rip cord of his State Department parachute.


We have not watched the entire One America documentary, because awwww helllll no. But we did watch Rudy's crazy-ass clips of "depositions" in TV studios and in restaurants, from which we learned that Hizzoner is real specific on the allegations, but kinda vague on his evidence.

"I must have five or six or seven Ukrainian witnesses who will say that over the course of the last two years they've tried to come to the United States to give us evidence of vast collusion by the Ukrainians to affect Democrats in the 2016 election and solid evidence of the corruption involved in Biden getting his son in to protect the Burisma company." He must have them! All five, or six, or seven hundred of them. Also, too, who has been in charge of the State Department for the past two years? Was it Hillary Clinton or George Soros? Hard to say!

Here on Planet Earth, after the US Embassy in Kyiv refused a visa for hilariously corrupt prosecutor Viktor Shokin to come "testify" in the US in January 2019, Rudy appealed to the White House, which refused to overrule the original State Department decision. And Mike Pompeo has steadfastly ignored the dossier of Skype "depositions" of Shokin and Lutsenko around the State Department, because obviously he is DEEP STATE.

Even getting rid of Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch didn't help. Although it was nice of Rudy to admit that it was all part of his plot in an interview with The New Yorker's Adam Entous.

[Giuliani, like Yuriy Lutsenko], saw Yovanovitch as an obstacle, hindering his attempt to dig up dirt against his client's rival in advance of the 2020 election. "I believed that I needed Yovanovitch out of the way," he said. "She was going to make the investigations difficult for everybody." Giuliani compiled a dossier on the Bidens and Yovanovitch, which he sent to Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, and which was shared with the F.B.I. and with me. John Solomon, a journalist, had interviewed Lutsenko for the Washington-based publication The Hill. Giuliani promoted the project. "I said, 'John, let's make this as prominent as possible,'" Giuliani told me. "'I'll go on TV. You go on TV. You do columns.'"

Counselor Crimetime was sadly unable to get traction in Congress with anyone other than Devin Nunes. Time to kick it up another notch!

Please, Rudy, show us these promised medical records proving that Viktor "The Undead" Shokin "was poisoned, died twice, and was revived." No doubt the annals of medical science will be eager to report on Shokin's miraculous reincarnation as a corrupt sham who took bribes to close cases and was pushed out by a cooperative effort of the European Union, International Monetary Fund, and the entire US government. Biden can be blamed for trying to take sole credit for it after the fact, but Shokin's claims that former President Petro Poroshenko told him to "slow down on Burisma and Biden because Biden was objecting" are obvious nonsense.

This is bribery at the highest level of government. A vice president of the United States bribing the president of a country to force the president of a country to do what he doesn't want to do. And now Joe will tell us, "Oh, it wasn't corrupt because I didn't know about my son." I have ten ways to prove to you that he knew about his son. And only one thing would prove it to you. Logic. Logic!

LOGIC, screams Rudy Giuliani, as unverified documents flash by on the screen, never to be made available to the public or subject to further verification. Move over, Pepe Silvia, there's a new game in town!

All of a sudden, Shokin gets this communique from Latvia that shows a $16 million laundering transaction. Classic laundering transaction! It goes from Ukraine to Latvia, it's disguised as a loan to another company, Wire Logic, I believe. It then goes to Cyprus, gets disguised as another loan, this is called Digitech, then it's disbursed as payment of board fees. Now you don't make two loans to pay board fees unless you're laundering the money.

Giphy

Rudy banged on some more about his batshit insane theory that former Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych stole $7 billion and then, instead of getting it out of the country, used it to buy $7 billion of Ukrainian government bonds through American investment firm Franklin Templeton. Which ... just makes too much sense. Here, let OAN host Chanel Rion -- a trustworthy source if ever there was one -- splain it to you:

When Lutsenko found a case in which $7 billion went to the US via possible money laundering to a firm called Franklin Templeton, he wanted to help. He wanted help from the Justice Department to track down and retrieve this money. Considering how interested Yovanovitch was in the status of cases at the Prosecutor General's Office, Lutsenko thought Yovanovitch would be helpful. She wasn't! In fact, she played the bureaucratic dunce.

Uhhhhh, okay.

Rudy was silent as to why Donald Trump failed to live up to his obligation to ensure that Ukraine investigated corruption during the first two years of his presidency, or why his interest in Ukrainian corruption appears to begin and end with Joe Biden's kid. Just as Trump was silent on his ethics disclosure about the hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal work he was gifted by Rudy Giuliani and whoever is paying for him to fly all over Europe doing these very serious investigations. Will Trump be declaring whatever OAN paid for these interviews as a contribution to his legal defense, since Rudy is using it in his presentation to Congress and the DOJ?

LOL, we are silly on a Monday. Rules are for the little people.

[New Yorker]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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