RUH RO! Court Docs From College Admissions Scam Will Make Your BLOOD BOIL


We all shared a good laugh yesterday about Jerry Lundegaard, Lynette Scavo, and Aunt Becky allegedly committing multiple felonies in order to get their pampered, academically challenged kids into fancy schools ... and USC. But this is seriously a major indictment of our supposed meritocracy that never actually existed. It's pretty damn infuriating. C'mon, rich people, your kids were already born on third base. Don't cheat their way across home plate.

Reading the court documents related to the case only raises our blood pressure to Vesuvian levels. Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy (we all know his ass was involved seeing as how he was on the phone calls) claimed their $15,000 bribe was for "disadvantaged youth." This also made it tax deductible. We're sure the IRS is already finding it interesting.

They also grossly abused the SAT accommodations for disabled students so their daughter could take the test alone with a bought-off proctor. This is the bit that wouldn't make it into a movie because the parents would rightly look repulsive and you don't want audiences throwing literal rotten tomatoes at the screen.

Huffman specifically showed no remorse or even a glimmer of conflict over her actions. If you want to see emotional struggle from her, sit back with Season 6 of "Desperate Housewives," but you're not getting it here. Check out her reaction when a possible crimp emerges in her attempted test heist.

Yeah, that's right, the middle-aged woman said, "Ruh Ro!" When you're part of a nationwide conspiracy to commit fraud, try to keep Scooby Doo out of it. Huffman didn't pull the trigger on fixing the scores of her younger daughter, but this wasn't because she saw the error of her ways in a third act emotional epiphany. She was just concerned her daughter's SAT tutor might catch on.

"I just didn't know if it'd be odd for [the tutor] if we go, 'Oh, she did this in — in March 9th, but she did so much better in May.' I don't know if that'd be like — if [the tutor] would be like 'Wow,'" Huffman told CW-1, per the court docs.

Gordon Caplan is (well, probably not for long) a New York attorney who paid $75,000 to the fake-ass charity Key Worldwide Foundation. He agreed with a scuzzy plan to "test" his daughter for a learning difference she might or might not actually have.

Caplan did ask if all this was "kosher" because he apparently was not a very good lawyer. We've only watched "Law & Order" and can tell this was all kinds of fucked up. CW-1, who rolled over on Caplan, assured him that the only way he'd get caught is if he told someone. Caplan is a moron.

Gregory and Marcia Abbott, residents of New York and Aspen, Colorado (how maahvelous!), paid $75,000 for someone to take an exam for their daughter. They even confirmed this was a money well spent.

The con artists also faked athletic profiles for students with doctored photos of them doing sports-like activities. The level of underhanded shadiness is just off the charts.

People on social media have, perhaps in jest, wondered why these awful people didn't just directly and perfectly legally bribe colleges to accept their dumb kids. Jared Kushner's father bought him a slot at Harvard for $2.5 million but that's significantly more than the $15,000 Huffman and Macy paid. Filliam H. Muffman are primarily theatre people. They're still gonna have to come up with the tuition.

Huffman is wealthy enough, though, that there's some confusion over how to deal with her. You'd think it'd be fairly straightforward. Eight of out 10 Atlanta educators were sentenced to hard time for their part in a public school cheating scandal. The judge in that case made it clear that this was not a "victimless crime" and no one should "cry" about them, regardless of their motives. If you're breaking the law to get your kid admitted into college, you're obviously screwing over at least one other student who won't gain admission on their actual merits. Even if your kid has challenges with math, you should at least comprehend this.

Regardless of reality, Huffman's attorney attempted to plead white.

When her case was called, Huffman stood at a microphone as her attorney argued she was not a flight risk. Her hair was parted in the middle and pulled in a low ponytail, and she wore a blue sweater over a white T-shirt.

Why do we care how this criminal is dressed?

Huffman's attorney Evan Jenness argued to the judge that Huffman, as a mother of two, was not a flight risk and should be released on her own recognizance, saying she was the opposite of an "international fugitive."

So, she's a domestic shut-in? We're having trouble following the attorney's thought process here. Lots of parents go to jail. It's probably happening right now. Jenness seriously argued that they release Huffman without bail because she's "simply not the kind of person" who'd skip town and never face accountability for her actions. They have her dead to rights. She's looking at prison. Has her attorney seen a prison? Huffman wants no part of that.

The suppose "victory" for the justice system was that Huffman had to post a $250,000 bond and surrender her passport. She has $20 million in real estate holdings and $4 million in liquid assets. That's roughly six percent of what she can easily convert to cash. This is like a poor person facing similar offenses going home after handing the judge a $20.

[Rolling Stone / Vulture / AJC]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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