Rush Limbaugh Knows Hurricane Irma Is Conspiracy To Hide How Al Gore Is Very Fat

knows things

Rush Limbaugh is a South Floridian, so he should know better than to say the bullshit we're about to tell you about. But apparently there is nothing Limbaugh is too unhinged to turn into a CONSPIRACY!!!11!!2 for his chairborne loser fans, so here we are. Limbaugh has seen these so-called "weather reports" about Hurricane Irma, if that is even her real name, and he knows the following things are true:

The reason that I am leery of forecasts this far out, folks, is because I see how the system works.


Now, I don’t mean this to be a personal attack on anybody ...

Never, not Rush Limbaugh!

... but the one thing that’s undeniable throughout our culture is that everything has been politicized. And in that sense, much of our public information system, including from the government, from the drive-by media, has been corrupted. It has been corrupted by the individual biases and whatever present bigotry of the people who hold these positions. You can see it in the way the deep state deals with Trump. You can see it with the way the intelligence community and the Washington establishment deal with Trump.

Good, get your listeners to worrywart about the Deep State. This is a very well-constructed segment, if your goal is to get the septuagenarian wingnuts who actually think Rush is smart to start making fearful oopsie poopsies in their Depends.

So, in the case of a hurricane, what happens? Well, there are many levels here. When a hurricane pops up -- and we can’t forget Hurricane Harvey because Hurricane Harvey and the TV pictures that accompany that go a long way to helping further and create the panic.

The Illuminati commanded its loyal acolyte Beyoncé to turn on the secret faucets and put Houston underwater. Because hello, Beyoncé is from HOUSTON? She says it right there in that "Formation" song, the one about how black ladies are going to do the apocalypse to white people with hot sauce. Connect the dots, sheeple!

Now, in the official meteorological circles, you have an abundance of people who believe that man-made climate change is real ...

Much like how in official Oxycontin manufacturer circles, you have an abundance of people who believe Rush Limbaugh probably shouldn't mix entire bottles of Oxycontin into his spaghetti sauces. It's just not #ScienceSmart.

... and they believe that Al Gore is correct when he has written, and he couldn’t be more wrong, that climate change is creating more hurricanes and stronger hurricanes. And, of course, when Harvey hit, it was the first hurricane that had hit in 12 years. There haven’t been more hurricanes and they're no more dangerous than any others in previous years.

No, but TECHNICALLY he's right you guys, because Not A Hurricane Sandy was Not A Hurricane, so ignore the $75 billion in damages and the couple hundred people dead, because otherwise Rush Limbaugh's argument would be stupid, okay? Apropos of nothing:

Huffington Post: Florida Governor Warns Irma Is ‘Bigger, Faster And Stronger’ Than Hurricane Andrew

CNN: 'Potentially catastrophic' Hurricane Irma nears eastern Caribbean islands

Mother Jones: Hurricane Irma Just Became the Strongest Hurricane on Record in the Atlantic Basin

Probably all fake news, especially whatever liberal George Soros-paid shill Florida Governor Rick Scott said.

But it doesn’t matter because the bias is built in. So there is a desire to advance this climate change agenda, and hurricanes are one of the fastest and best ways to do it. You can accomplish a lot just by creating fear and panic. You don’t even need a hurricane to hit anywhere.

But it helps when they do hit, which is why Al Gore at this very moment is sitting in his secret chamber in his fossil-fuel-burning jet steering Hurricane Irma toward Donald Trump's Caribbean estate and Mar-A-Lago and Rush Limbaugh's house and Matt Drudge's house. Stop it, Al Gore, stop it!

Limbaugh went on to talk about the "symbiotic relationship" between the weather reporters in south Florida and corporations, who use hurricanes to force people to buy their useless products, like "water," just because hurricanes SUPPOSEDLY often destroy the supply of "water." Fuckin' Big Evian strikes again, y'all!

Now, how do you do this? Well, any number of ways. Let’s take south Florida television, for example. There is symbiotic relationship between retailers and local media, and it’s related to money. It revolves around money. You have major, major industries and businesses which prosper during times of crisis and panic, such as a hurricane, which could destroy or greatly damage people’s homes, and it could interrupt the flow of water and electricity. So what happens?

Well, the TV stations begin reporting this and the panic begins to increase. And then people end up going to various stores to stock up on water and whatever they might need for home repairs and batteries and all this that they’re advised to get, and a vicious circle is created.

Yes, the vicious circle of "having batteries" so you can "turn things on" and "having water" so you don't "die." Limbaugh says Big Energizer and Big Evian are buying these ads on the TV, which forces the media to lie and say, "Oh hey there is a hurricane," which is what the Battery-Water Industrial Complex WANTS you to believe, and before you know it Al Gore's fake hurricane knocks over your house and cancels all the underage sex tourism flights to the Dominican Republic (this only really bothers one Floridian, ALLEGEDLY) and everybody's drinking their water and putting their batteries in stuff, lookin' all stupid because it's like they don't even know Al Gore is very fat.

This is a very complicated conspiracy theory Rush has concocted. We think we'll stick with those smart Christians who say hurricanes are God's punishment for beachfront gay buttfucking, because that somehow makes more sense.

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[Media Matters]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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