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Ain't no hurricane gonna blow Rush down.


Hurricane Matthew is a big, scary storm, and it is bearing down on Florida. Zombie-faced Florida Gov. Rick Scott is telling people to evacuate, saying this storm "is going to kill people." So we imagine Rush Limbaugh, a Florida resident, is doing all his hurricane preparations right now. He's likely digging ginormous holes in the ground for all his Oxycontin and Viagra, so it's safe from BIG WIND, and we bet he's also doing his best to board up his house so Obama's frothing hordes of lesbian farmers don't pull up in tractors and steal it from him while he's gone.

But Rush is also dispensing some wisdom to America in advance of the storm, and it is that hurricanes are a big liberal lie, just like global warming:

This has been a serious storm from the get-go, and I have perfected being able to analyze how hurricanes are reported.

Is it something about fresh-faced weather guys and gals standing in waders in the middle of the storm while palm trees are blown to bits, so Ethel in Nebraska has a visual aid to understand WTF a "hurricane" is? NO, it is something different:

I've become an expert in spotting the politics in hurricane tracking and hurricane forecasting. And by that I mean people that work at the -- the National Hurricane Center is part of the National Weather Service, which is part of the Commerce Department, which is part of the Obama administration, which by definition has been tainted just like the DOJ has.

Follow the bouncing wingnut! Hurricanes are connected to the National Weather Service, which is connected to Obama, who is a Muslin from Kenya who hates America, right? Obviously ISIS made Hurricane Matthew, in its dad's garage!

And we know -- in fact .... Obama is telling -- Obama is actually telling people that global warming, that climate change is having a very profound impact on the war on Syria. The war in Syria.

Droughts. Insane droughts, which are happening more and more because of climate change. It's not that complicated, but it's probably above Rush's pay grade.

It's tactically absurd, and there's now a story from the Pew Center for people in the press showing that a majority of Americans do not believe the consensus of scientists predicting that there is climate change.

Wonder why an impressionable majority of Americans doesn't "believe in" climate change, when ALL REAL SCIENTISTS agree on it. It's almost as if those idiot Americans are being influenced by ignorant-ass opinions from dickholes like Rush Limbaugh. HMMMM.

Well, the left doesn't like that, so they keep ramming it down our throats. So with hurricane tracking and hurricane forecasting, I've been able to spot where I think they might be playing games because it's in the interests of the left to have destructive hurricanes because then they can blame it on climate change, which they can continue desperately continue trying to sell.

WE LOVE HURRICANES. We get naked and jump up and down and frolic around because WHEEEEEEE! We just know that, while the big storm batters Florida, a Rush Limbaugh devotee is huddled in his Motel 6 in inland Georgia, crying chunky tears, because he thinks maybe the liberals have been right all along. When, sobbing, he utters the words, "climate change is real I guess," all left-leaning voters spontaneously jizz on each other, because our wicked plan is coming to fruition.

What, you didn't get invited to the big exciting hurricane jizz party?

The problem for them is after Hurricane Katrina. Remember, Al Gore goes out there, and all these people start saying this is just the beginning. And this is just, I mean, tip of the iceberg. We're going to have these kind of hurricanes every year -- numerous hurricanes, and they're going to be more destructive than Katrina, and it's all because we've got climate change. And what happened? We had 11 years of no hurricanes -- 11 straight years of no major hurricanes striking land in the United States, which just bores a hole right through the whole climate change argument.

Actually ...

So over the recent past, five or six years, whenever there has been a hurricane, I think I've been able to spot when they try to make it look like it might hit a population center because they want people to think this way: Hurricane reported. Ah, must be climate change! They want that thought process. And one of the ways you can bring that about is to try to convince people that a given hurricane that may pop up is aiming right for a major population center. It's kind of like UFOs. You know, UFOs never land where there are smart people. UFOs always land in trailer parks and places.

Bet Rush Limbaugh's listeners mail him lots of UFO snapshots.

You ever notice that? UFOs land in swamps. They land out where nobody lives. They don't go to MIT. They don't go to Harvard. Well, a hurricane hitting a swamp is worthless to the global warming crowd. A hurricane has to hit a population center. Well, this hurricane there has been no politics. This is a serious bad storm.

Wait, it's a "serious bad storm" and yet liberals aren't doing "politics" to it? We must be off our game. There's always next time, though, except there won't be a next time because Al Gore is fat.

(Florida Wonkers, we do hope you are evacuating right now, even though we are liberals who love hurricane destruction because it helps our agenda.)

[Media Matters]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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OK everyone, hello! It was a really shitty week with Trump's BABY JAILS and whatnot, right? And we cried and we cried, but then we got MAD. Are you MAD BRO? Because this shit is not going to stand and we are more fired up than ever to make things better, to register people to vote, to pick them up in our car so they can go vote, and also all the other stuff too. BRB TAKING OUR COUNTRY BACK NOW. That is how we are right now! So are you! Start by marching with Wonkette next week!

Also, please look above, as that is a picture of Wonkette toddler getting SWIMMING LESSONS. Isn't that the greatest?

OK, we are continuing our tradition of making the top ten post even shorter than ever before, because gotta get on the road and go to Nashville BRB GOING TO NASHVILLE NOW.

Stories chosen by Beyoncé, as per usual:

1. Why Are You Peeing On Yourself, Donald Trump, Jr.? (ALLEGEDLY)

2. Ann Coulter's America Will Die if Baby Jails Go Away, So That's Something!

3. Yes, Trump Is Stealing Children. But You Can DO Something.

4. Baby Jails? Goddamn Motherfucking BABY JAILS?

5. Trump's 500 Days Of Bummer

6. The 987,386 Most Fucked Up Lies Our Shithead President Told This Morning

7. Happy Father's Day, Roger Stone! YOU ARE THE COLLUSION!

8. Michael Cohen Slams Baby Jails On His Way To Grownup Jail

9. Awwwww Rudy Giuliani, YOU FUCKING SCARED?

10. Trump Foundation Fuckery? WHO KNEW!

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

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Let's see ... anything else? Nope, BYE.

Yours in baby Jesus,

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The great journalists at the National Enquirer regularly sent advance digital copies of stories about Donald Trump and his political opponents to Michael Cohen, according to a story in the Washington Post, which cited "three people with knowledge of the matter" as sources. Probably Trump was one of them, you know how he is.

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