Bad news, y'all. Rush Limbaugh, the well-known Nobel-Prize-winning epidemiologist, has figured out what is going on with this whole coronavirus thing.

Actually, we should say good news, because knowing is half the battle, when you are fighting a pandemic. And if there's anything Donald Trump's coronavirus press conference on Wednesday taught us, it's that the Americans in charge of the response to coronavirus know stuff. For instance, Trump knows it's just not gonna be that bad, because there's only like one American who has it, his name's Dale, and as long as Dale stays home instead of coughing all over everybody at Cracker Barrel like he usually does, we're all good. Oh, and Mike Pence! He knows viruses, and that is why he is the new czar of finding out if coronavirus is gay, praying the gay out of the coronavirus, refusing to let it share clean needles, and other scientific responses to disease. And if there's anything else Pence needs to know about coronavirus, he will have a meeting with the CDC, as long as it's not a lady CDC, because he's not allowed to be alone with lady, as per Second Lady Mother's instructions.

Relax, everyone, they GOT THIS.

But anyway, Rush Limbaugh. He knows where the hysteria over so-called coronavirus is coming from. You see, there's a woman from the CDC, Nancy Messonnier, the director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases. She really pissed Trump off when she said there will be "community spread" of coronavirus, and that "It's not so much a question of if this will happen anymore, but rather more a question of exactly when this will happen and how many people in this country will have severe illness." She said America needs to start preparing for that.

Where does THAT lady get off? Trump is trying to make the stock market great again by lying about coronavirus, HOW DARE SHE say real science!

You will understand HOW DARE SHE when you realize who Dr. Nancy Messonnier is. Tell us, Rush!


Full transcript because it's fucking stupid:

RUSH: Remember I asked somebody to look up who does Dr. Nancy Messonnier donate to? Well, let me tell you. "Dr. Nancy Messonnier's sister," or, I guess, brother, "is Rod Rosenstein." Dr. Nancy Messonnier of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, who's urging everybody to not go to school and stay home and teleconference all your communications.

"Nancy Messonnier's," it says, "sister is Rod Rosenstein." But that can't be, because Rosenstein is not a woman, so I'm assuming it means "brother" here. There's a reason I asked this question. So you've got here the CDC urging Americans to prepare for a coronavirus virus outbreak. "This might be bad, could be bad. Keep your kids at home. Don't go anywhere. It might be bad. We've got 53 cases. It might be bad.

"It could be! The stock market's plunging." Okay. This person running this agency, who does she donate to? Well, her brother is Rod Rosenstein. I'm guessing. Let me check. I need to double-check this, 'cause what I'm seeing here is "Messonnier's sister is Rod Rosenstein." Unless Rosenstein's had a sex-change operation, that can't be right.

BREAK TRANSCRIPT

RUSH: Okay. I clarified this. Dr. Nancy Messonnier of the Centers for Disease Control — which today warned it could be bad, it might be bad, don't go to school and don't go to work, stay home and teleconference — is the sister of the former deputy attorney general, Rod Rosenstein. Well, take that; do what you want with it. It may mean nothing. Might… Who knows? It's just in that town, I'm telling you, everything is incestuous. Most of that town is establishment oriented or rooted, which means they despise Trump.

Got all that? NANCY MESSONNIER has a sister, no wait a brother, and he is ROD ROSENSTEIN, and he is not a sister, unless he had a sex-change. And ROD ROSENSTEIN is the guy who appointed ROBERT MUELLER to do RUSSIA WITCH HUNTS against DONALD TRUMP, which means NANCY MESSONNIER saying the truth about CORONAVIRUS is a DEEEEEP STAAAAAATE E COLLUSION WITCH HUNT to hurt Trump's feelings and tank the stock market and bone his election chances. HILLARY CLINTON is probably somehow involved. She's probably working out of the nonexistent basement of a DC pizza parlor.

Told you it was stupid. But it "might mean nothing," Rush Limbaugh added for his simple-minded fans, who were probably already making plans to inhale a bunch of coronavirus directly into their butts, just to own the libs.

Millions of people listen to this shithole. And millions of people in America could end up sick from coronavirus, especially if the Trump administration doesn't get its goddamn shit together, and the chances of them doing that are slim to none.

It's not just Rush, though.

Media Matters notes that it appears to have started with QAnon. It's been on 4chan. From there it migrated and spread (like a common coronavirus!) through the bowels of wingnuttia, making its way to Stupidest Man On The Internet Jim Hoft:

It's some mouthbreathing wingnut named Wayne Dupree:

Rod Rosenstein as we all know definitely worked to undermine the Trump administration, which is oddly exactly what his sister is doing by undermining the more logical and calm message the president's team has issued on the virus.

Why are Rod Rosenstein and his sister colluding to undermine Trump's abilities to lie to America about an actual public health threat? UNFAIR!

According to Politico, a "large number of anonymous Twitter accounts" are also pushing this theory, and you know what that means.

In summary and in conclusion, everything is awesome, and everything is under control. NO CORONAVIRUS! NO CORONAVIRUS! YOU ARE THE CORONAVIRUS!

Libs: owned.

[Rush Limbaugh]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc