Russia Attacked Election To Help HILLARY, According To Breaking News Trump Just Found In His Butt


STOP THE PRESSES! There has been new information that's now coming out, just like "OBAMAGATE!" is now coming out and everybody knows what it is, because of how bad it is!

Trump explained the news that has just come out in an interview with Fox News idiot Maria Bartiromo:

TRUMP: Now it's all come out that actually, they wanted Hillary Clinton, you saw that one came out yesterday! They wanted Hillary Clinton to win! Nobody's been tougher on Ru-, you can speak to Putin or anybody else, nobody has been tougher on Russia than I have. They wanted Hillary Clinton to win!

They did! The information came out yesterday, we all saw it! It was the information, and everybody knew it, and once they knew it, nobody could deny the information, once it came out! In the beginning was Obamagate, and it was the biggest crime, except for the other biggest crime, which is this new information, which just came out!

OK, so besides the obvious fact that the president's brain continues to spiral into a bottomless sea of abject and irreparable brokenness, you might be wondering where Trump got this squirrel turd of "information" he just spit at the Fox News idiot.

Well, he got it from a different Fox News idiot.

That's right, Trump learned the breaking news squirrel turd of "information" from a Fox News idiot, and he gave it to another Fox News idiot, even though she probably already had it, because of how everybody knows it.

Here is Fox News idiot Ed Henry, appearing on Fox News show "Tucker Carlson's (Whites Only) Neighborhood," injecting squirrel turds into the president's brain:

Ed Henry Reveals John Brennan's Role in Unmasking

In that clip Ed Henry says Ric Grenell, Trump's dipshit loyalist acting Director of National Intelligence who revealed all the uNmAsKingssSsSSSS!!!!!!!1111! we actually have known about since 2017, has also declassified some SUPER SEEKRIT TOP INTELS that prove ("prove") Russia actually attacked the 2016 election out of a deep and abiding love for Hillary Clinton:

HENRY: It turns out Obama's CIA chief John Brennan ALSO had intel saying ACTUALLY Russia wanted Hillary Clinton to win!

Because that makes sense, you betcha, that is definitely some information right there, whoa if true, WOW WOW WOW, when you look up "the information that's just come out" in the dictionary, this is what you find! (Along with OBAMAGATE! of course.)

That Russia hacked and stole emails from the DNC and the Clinton campaign and then got its little fucktoys at WikiLeaks to release it at strategic times during the Democratic primary and general election, in order to help Hillary.

That oligarchs close to Vladimir Putin arranged a meeting with Donald Dipshit Junior in Trump Tower in June of 2016, in the words of the email as "part of Russia and its government's support for Mr. Trump," promising dirt on Hillary to Donald Dipshit Junior, in order to help Hillary.

That Russia launched propaganda campaigns from a troll farm in St. Petersburg to flood the internet with bullshit anti-Hillary/pro-Trump fake news, in order to help Hillary.

That a Russian spy met with Trump campaign chair/convicted felon Paul Manafort, who gave him internal Trump campaign Rust Belt polling data most likely to give it to Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska, in order to help Hillary.

That is just a solid theory right there, good job, everyone, GOLD STAR! It's a wonder Trump was able to barely "win" the Electoral College because of a handful of votes from braindead meatsacks in ... *checks notes* ... THE RUST BELT, while losing the popular vote by millions, what with Russia working so hard to get Hillary Clinton elected!

Do we even need to remind everyone that the entire US intel community agreed that Russia attacked the election to help Trump, the GOP-led Senate Intel Committee has affirmed it in multiple reports, and that the Mueller investigation found a "sweeping and systematic" attack committed by Russia to help Trump?

But sure, OK, fine, President Brain Trust. Russia did it to help Hillary. Just like Trump believes Ukraine buried the DNC server in the backyard with all the other servers it keeps buried in the backyard, in order to do THE REAL COLLUSION to help Hillary. (At least that's what Vladimir Putin appears to have told Trump!)

What are Ukraine and Russia even warring over, if they're so very in agreement with each other about how their favorite way to spend their days is do conspiracies to suck up to Hillary Clinton and hurt Donald Trump?

Maybe they're just fighting over which one of them is Hillary Clinton's favorite, yeah that is probably it.

Fuck it, goodbye, OPEN THREAD.

[video viaAaron Rupar]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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